Iraq has a new hit television show called Your Fortune. Hosted by two astrologers, Hadeel al-Bayati, who looks suspiciously like Monica Lewinsky, and her male counterpart Ali al-Bakri, the show fields calls and emails from all over Iraq.
I tried emailing the show myself, but I didn’t hear back. I am, however, being spammed by some group selling penis enhancing drugs for would-be martyrs: “If you don’t want them the remain virgins, you need Miracle-Gro.”
Since the hosts of Your Fortune are psyches I decided to contact them the old fashioned way—through telepathy. This proved to be very effective.
Rami: Thanks for taking my ethereal-net call, Ali.
Ali: No problem. What is on your mind which I say only to be polite since I already know what is on your mind being a psychic and no, Hadeel is not here.
Rami: Oh. Well. Listen, I have a question. Our president…
Ali: George W. Bush.
Rami: Wow, you are good. Anyway, our president thinks we need 21,500 more troops in Iraq. General Casey who is up for Army Chief of Staff says we need far fewer than this. Who is right, and how many do we need?
Ali: Yes, yes, let me see what the stars say. Actually your General Casey is right and you need fewer troops.
Rami: Really! How many fewer?
Ali: 21,499 fewer.
Rami: What? We only need one additional soldier in Iraq? Who?
Ali: Superman. He is really Clark Kent, but don’t tell anyone. It is a secret known only to Ma and Pa Kent and perhaps the Bat-Man.
Rami: You do know that Superman is a fictional character.
Ali: Yes, of course, but President George has been using fiction to run this war all along, so there is no problem. But Iran may be smuggling Kryptonite into Baghdad, so you should take out Teheran on the way over. Or, to be safe, may be to send entire Justice League of Great Satan, oh, sorry, of America, would be better. Wonder Woman would have to wear burka, however. Anyway, I must run. Just a warning: I could be wrong about the troops. Ever since Pluto was eliminated as planet everything having to do with Iraq and America is up Uranus. Good-bye.