Here Come De Jesus

Jesus is back. He is a Florida preacher from Puerto Rico named Jose Luis de Jesus Miranda. Called De Jesus by his followers, he travels with three bodyguards. (Want to crucify Me again, you bastards? Bring it on!) De Jesus’ symbol is not the cross (Hey, why be reminded of the bad old days?) but a copy of the Presidential Seal of the United States that reads “Government of God on Earth.” In Spanish. Which really ticks me off.

I'm happy that Jesus has returned. I'm proud that He chose to do so in the United States. I have no problem with him being Hispanic as long as He is here legally. (Can you build a border fence between earth and heaven?) Even his message is fine with me: Christ merged with De Jesus in ’73, sin and Satan are no more, and everyone is predestined for heaven. But to make Jesus Spanish speaking is cruel to all of us who don’t speak Spanish. Especially me. I have trouble understanding Ricky on I Love Lucy reruns. There has to be a better way.

God starts out speaking Hebrew, not exactly the most wide spread language of its day. He thought to correct matters the next time around and opted for Aramaic. That was so dumb even His disciples switched to Greek as soon as they could. Admittedly choosing Spanish this time is smarter, but if You are going to come back as an American, God, why not do so as an English speaking American? After all everyone knows that the Bible wasn’t really HOLY until King James typed up a copy in his own English.

Something has to be done, and I am asking all English speaking people of faith to pray with me now, “Dear Father, Thou knowest it is in our hearts to love Thee, but Thou must makest English Thy Holy tongue lest we not understandeth Thee and stray from Thy ways. O Lord sendeth unto us speedily and verily in our day an English speaking Jesus that we may knowest that Thou art God who speaketh English above and English below. For Thine is the lingua and the franca. Amen.”

If we pray this daily and spread the word among our friends, coworkers, and nonSpanish speaking neighbors, we may at last get the Jesus we deserve so that the Horsemen of the Apocalypse not wreck havoc upon us crying, “Lucy, you have some splainin’ to do!”