Better Red Than Damned

I watched the Iowa Caucuses with great anticipation last night, and I was so proud of my country when I saw the winner—God.

Not long ago Mike Huckabee told a reporter that there could be only one reason he was doing so well in Iowa, and it had nothing to do with him or the voters. God was on his side. At the time, I thought this was typical Evangelical hyperbole, always crediting every unexpected happenstance to God as long as it benefited the person doing the crediting. But now that Governor Huckabee has won the Republican race in Iowa, I am convinced that he (or He) is onto something.

Huckabee isn’t the first person to have been put into office by God; the Bible is full of such people. But he is the first one to have done so with a divinely rigged election.

Now before you get all huffy and start yelling at me for being anti-American or some such thing, the idea that the Iowa race was fixed isn’t mine. It belongs to a guy sitting diagonally across from me talking with a friend at Joe’s Café where I hang out to use their free wireless. I have no idea who this fellow is, but I can say the same for most of the political pundits I watch on TV, so why dismiss this one?

Anyway, what I heard him say was this, “If God is behind Huckabee’s campaign like he said, then the people in Iowa who voted for him had no choice. God put the idea in their head. God made them do it. He is trying to tell America something, and we damn well better listen.” [Interesting phrase, “damn well.” Can you damn poorly?]

What about the Democratic race, you might ask? Did God put in a good Word for Obama? Of course not. God is a Republican, and has been ever since Roe vs. Wade. By the way, did you ever notice that Roe vs. Wade sounds like Row vs. Wade and both of these words (row and wade) refer to water, and water is the stuff of baptism? Is that a coincidence? Not according to the guy who pointed it out to me a couple of years ago. He insisted that God used people with these names because he wanted other people to remember that abortion makes baptism impossible and thus damns the soul of the unborn to Hell. True story. Bad theology.

Anyway, I worry about Mike Huckabee. The problem with claiming God is on your side is having to explain why God is no longer on your side if you lose. Chances of Governor Huckabee winning in New Hampshire are slim, and if he loses what is God saying then? Of course if he wins…