State Your Religion

Two North Carolina Republican lawmakers are fighting for the right of states, counties, and towns to establish an official religion for their respective regions. According to Rep. Carl Ford and Rep. Harry Warren, the First Amendment prohibits the federal government from establishing a national religion, but leaves states, counties, cities, and townships free to do so if they wish. Well I wish.

Following the model provided by Rabbi Yehuda HaLevi in his masterful medieval bestseller Kuzari, I will hold a series of discussions among priests, pastors, rabbis, and imams as to which of the three Abrahamic religions (Judaism, Christianity, and Islam) is most likely the true religion and which should therefore be the official religion of Tennessee. Hinduism and Buddhism will be excluded because if they were included one of them would win, and I can’t have that now, can I?

Of course holding such a debate would be costly and time consuming, and since the Kuzari already tells us that Judaism will win since both Christians and Muslims trace their roots back to Judaism, I will skip the actual debate and simply proclaim Judaism to be the official religion of the State of Tennessee. Or, failing that, Rutherford Country, or, failing that, Murfreesboro, the town in which I reside.

Now that Judaism is the indisputable religion of the State/Country/Town I will, as the only rabbi in the town, declare myself Chief Rabbi of Murfreesboro. As the first Chief Rabbi in the state I will then declare myself the Chief Rabbi of the state. I will be a benevolent ruler of all things religious in Tennessee. For example, I will not do unto others as they have done until me, so no ghettos for Christians or special taxes for Muslims. Everyone can live where they want, and worship as they choose, as long as they pay tribute to Judaism as the official religion of the state and give me 10% of their income that they might avoid the wrath of my God who is the official God of the great state of Tennessee.

Sad to say, though, if North Carolina chooses to worship a different God and proclaim a religion other than Judaism as the state’s official religion, there will be war. There has to be. Read your scriptures.