You Heard It Here First

I want you to hear this from me before you hear it from anyone else. As soon as we formally grieve the tragic loss of life at the British Petroleum drilling platform—and it is a tragedy, make no mistake—we will learn that the BP oil spill sending 21,000 gallons of crude daily into the Gulp of Mexico and heading for New Orleans is no accident.

To get a jump on the theories I called a few people I know who may or may not know anything about this oil spill. I spoke first with Ol’ Dan Tucker, an aide to someone who lives in Washington D.C. and who agreed to talk with me only on condition of anonymity, whatever that means. Anyway Dan told me that the elderly woman for whom he is an aide told him that she thought the timing of the spill was suspicious:

“You know, Obama decided he’s for off-shore drilling in order to get Republican backing for his energy plan, but he is really against it, and then this spill happens which will set off-shoring drilling so far off into the future that it may never happen, so could it be that Obama didn’t really want to see off-shore drilling happen at all so he got some of his Chicago buddies at the CIA to blow the rig? That way he can be for drilling politically and against drilling practically. Pretty convenient, don’t you think?”

I usually try not to think, so I thanked Dan for speaking with me and made another call. I expected to reach his secretary but Pastor Hal Aluya answered his own phone. “Is your secretary in, Pastor? I wanted to ask her about the BP oil spill.”

“Sorry,” Pastor Hal said. “She’s preparing our Holy Oil Duck Scrubbing Mission. But I’d be happy to answer your question.”

“OK. Any thoughts on why this spill in this place at this time?”

“God’s will, of course. The Lord tried to drown New Orleans and its homosexuals with Hurricane Katrina but failed. So now He's sending oil, and if we set it ablaze, fire. Just like the Good Book says. Its Sodom and Gomorrah, Part Two.”

Not wanting to appear biased, I next called a rabbi friend to get his take. I told him what Rev. Aluya said.

“He’s half right,” Rabbi Dove Bear Schmearsonsonson told me. “It is God’s will, but it has nothing to do with the gays. Sure homosexuals are an abomination, but they’re not the only abomination. This spill is about kosher; it will destroy the shellfish industry, and the livelihoods of those who promote it and eat the abominable bottom feeders. God may hate gay people, but no more than He hates shrimp and crabs.”

Sensing I was on a roll, I called a guy I know who claims to have been an imam in the court of Ethiopian Emperor Highli Unlikli.

“We both know who is behind this,” he said. “The Jews; Mossad. I heard that not a single Jew died in that explosion.”

“Were there any Jews on the rig at all?” I asked.

“No. My point exactly. They were planning this explosion for years and so made sure they had no Jews working on it ever.”

I thanked Imam Unlikli for his insights and made one last call.

“Professor Moriarty, please” I said as the fresh voiced woman receptionist finished saying, “Brown, Driver, Briggs, and Moriarty.”

“Yes?” the Professor said.

“I’m calling to get your reaction to the BP oil spill, Professor. Any thoughts as to who's behind this?”

“The British, of course. The company is called British Petroleum, after all. It's revenge for the Battle of New Orleans.”

“The what?” I said.

“The Battle of New Orleans. In 1814 we took a little trip, along with Colonel Jackson down the mighty Mississip. We took a little bacon and we took a little beans, and we fought the bloody British in the town of New Orleans.”

“Houd that turn out?” I asked.

“We fired our guns and the British kept a comin, there wasn’t ‘bout as many as there was a while ago. We fired once more they began to runnin’ on down the Mississippi to the Gulf of Mexico.”

“So what’s the problem?”

“The War of 1812 was over before the Battle of New Orleans was fought. It was a waste of lives. The British never forgave us, and now they will have their revenge.”

OK, there you have it. What “it” is I’m not sure, but there it is nonetheless. I guarantee you one or more of these ideas or something like them will make it onto Fox & Friends by Monday of next week and onto the other networks a day or two later, and then on the Daily Show by Thursday night. And when they do just remember: you heard it here first.