Weather is fascinating, isn’t it? Don’t you ever wonder why tsunamis, hurricanes, floods, earthquakes, and volcanoes happen? I mean really know, not the groundless speculation that comes from meteorologists and other pseudo-scientific types. When I want to know the truth about the weather I go to the source—God. And if I want to know what God has to say about the weather I go to God’s spokesmen—the clergy.
That’s how I learned, for example, that Hurricane Karina was caused by homosexuals planning to hold a Gay Pride Parade in New Orleans. And that’s how I discovered that the hurricane that devastated Haiti was caused by an 1804 pact with the Devil made by the enslaved Haitians in exchange for the power to throw off their French slave masters. And that how I found out that the tsunami that killed hundreds of thousands of Muslims in Indonesia was caused by the laxity of the victims’ adherence to Islam.
OK. But what about all the earthquakes shaking up the planet lately? What causes them—and don’t tell me anything about plate tectonics, Genesis says nothing about them so I don’t want to know about them.
Thank God I don’t have to rely on scientists for the truth. When it comes to earthquakes I can turn to my favorite meteorocleric the Iranian cleric Hojatoleslam Kazem Sedighi. Mr. Sedighi has revealed the fact that earthquakes are caused by women wearing immodest clothing and behaving promiscuously: “Many women who do not dress modestly lead young men astray, corrupt their chastity and spread adultery in society, which increases earthquakes.”
Iranian Muslim woman are required by law to cover themselves from head to foot, but some manage to show off their curves anyway, and in doing so endanger us all. Listen to this meteorological prediction by earthquake expert Carole King, “I feel the earth move under my feet, I feel the sky tumbling down.” If burkas can’t save us, we are doomed.
So homosexuals and rebellious slaves cause hurricanes, woman cause earthquakes, and lax believers cause tsunamis, but what causes volcanoes? I’m sure some scientist somewhere has a theory about this, but I’m not going to fall for that. My guess? Lesbians, especially lesbians from Iceland. If every you want to have a tube of hot lava to explode just show pictures of even hotter lesbians. Works every time.