Resurrection Diet

I’m fat. I could be fatter, of course, but given my body mass index and all that, it is safe to say I’m fat. I’m not happy about this and I work hard between snacks to do something about it, but still…

I used to worry about being fat, but no longer. What changed my mind? New revelations about the coming resurrection.

Newsweek magazine reported on a movement among some Christian and Jewish scholars to get Americans to believe in the literal fact of a physical resurrection at the end of time. (My clocks are off, so I’m not exactly sure how much time is left before the end of time, but I assume there is still time for a quick run to pay homage to my earthly lords Burger King and his Dairy Queen before I meet the King of Kings).

What does all this have to do with being fat? Everything. According to religion scholar Paula Fredriksen, author of “Augustine and the Jews”, “Our bodies will be the very same as the ones we had in life, but buff and beautiful.”

Buff and beautiful! I have never been buff and beautiful, but if this is what God has in store for me, well Halleluyah!

Lest you think that resurrection isn’t part of the Jewish playbook, let me remind you that the Talmudic rabbis made resurrection one of their few faith requirements. They said that anyone who doesn’t believe in resurrection in the World to Come has no share in the World to Come (Sanhedrin 50a). True, this is not a very persuasive argument; after all if you don’t believe in the World to Come in the first place being threatened with not having a place in it isn’t very compelling. But it does show that they took the idea seriously.

And then there is Maimonides who made resurrection the thirteenth of his list of Thirteen Principles of Faith: "I believe with complete (perfect) faith, that there will be techiat hameitim - revival of the dead, whenever it will be God's, blessed be He, will (desire) to arise and do so. May (God's) Name be blessed, and may His remembrance arise, forever and ever." That last part just shows what a suck-up Maimonides was, but facts are facts and Jews are supposed to believe in bodily resurrection. And I for one am going for it.

Here’s my plan. Given the hard economic times more and more people are going to become poor. It is a fact that poor people eat more fast food than rich people. It is also a fact that fast food makes you fatter than slow food. So there will be more and more poor people who are getting fatter and fatter. I think I can capitalize on this.

I’m going to start selling a new program called the Resurrection Diet. There’s no calorie counting or exercise involved. It doesn’t matter how thin or fat you are in this life, after all this life is temporary. “Eternity in the buff bod you always wanted” is my slogan. All you have to do is get resurrected. And all you have to do to get resurrected is to believe in the resurrection.

The Resurrection Diet is simple: People will send me ten dollars American and I will send them a copy of Maimonides’ Thirteen Principles of Faith. You can eat what you want, lie around watching television, just swear allegiance to the Thirteen Principles. That will get you into the resurrection and the buff and beautiful bod that comes with it. It’s easier than The Secret!

But wait! That’s not all! Even if you don’t believe in the Thirteen Principles you still get resurrected. Yes you will spend eternity in your buff and beautiful body doing Bikram Yoga® in hell, but we will throw in Sham-Wow® towels to help keep the sweat out of your eyes so you can ogle all those other dead beauties.

But wait! There’s more! If you send me the money now, I will send you two copies of Maimonides’ Thirteen Principles. That’s two copies of the Thirteen Principles plus the Sham-Wow® towels all for ten dollars plus shipping and handling.

But wait! There’s even more. The first million callers may also receive my perhaps never to be published book, “Left Behind, Right Behind, Tight Behind: Having the Butt You Want in Heaven.”

Call now. Operators are standing by.