Friday, February 06, 2009

Resurrection Diet

I’m fat. I could be fatter, of course, but given my body mass index and all that, it is safe to say I’m fat. I’m not happy about this and I work hard between snacks to do something about it, but still…

I used to worry about being fat, but no longer. What changed my mind? New revelations about the coming resurrection.

Newsweek magazine reported on a movement among some Christian and Jewish scholars to get Americans to believe in the literal fact of a physical resurrection at the end of time. (My clocks are off, so I’m not exactly sure how much time is left before the end of time, but I assume there is still time for a quick run to pay homage to my earthly lords Burger King and his Dairy Queen before I meet the King of Kings).

What does all this have to do with being fat? Everything. According to religion scholar Paula Fredriksen, author of “Augustine and the Jews”, “Our bodies will be the very same as the ones we had in life, but buff and beautiful.”

Buff and beautiful! I have never been buff and beautiful, but if this is what God has in store for me, well Halleluyah!

Lest you think that resurrection isn’t part of the Jewish playbook, let me remind you that the Talmudic rabbis made resurrection one of their few faith requirements. They said that anyone who doesn’t believe in resurrection in the World to Come has no share in the World to Come (Sanhedrin 50a). True, this is not a very persuasive argument; after all if you don’t believe in the World to Come in the first place being threatened with not having a place in it isn’t very compelling. But it does show that they took the idea seriously.

And then there is Maimonides who made resurrection the thirteenth of his list of Thirteen Principles of Faith: "I believe with complete (perfect) faith, that there will be techiat hameitim - revival of the dead, whenever it will be God's, blessed be He, will (desire) to arise and do so. May (God's) Name be blessed, and may His remembrance arise, forever and ever." That last part just shows what a suck-up Maimonides was, but facts are facts and Jews are supposed to believe in bodily resurrection. And I for one am going for it.

Here’s my plan. Given the hard economic times more and more people are going to become poor. It is a fact that poor people eat more fast food than rich people. It is also a fact that fast food makes you fatter than slow food. So there will be more and more poor people who are getting fatter and fatter. I think I can capitalize on this.

I’m going to start selling a new program called the Resurrection Diet. There’s no calorie counting or exercise involved. It doesn’t matter how thin or fat you are in this life, after all this life is temporary. “Eternity in the buff bod you always wanted” is my slogan. All you have to do is get resurrected. And all you have to do to get resurrected is to believe in the resurrection.

The Resurrection Diet is simple: People will send me ten dollars American and I will send them a copy of Maimonides’ Thirteen Principles of Faith. You can eat what you want, lie around watching television, just swear allegiance to the Thirteen Principles. That will get you into the resurrection and the buff and beautiful bod that comes with it. It’s easier than The Secret!

But wait! That’s not all! Even if you don’t believe in the Thirteen Principles you still get resurrected. Yes you will spend eternity in your buff and beautiful body doing Bikram Yoga® in hell, but we will throw in Sham-Wow® towels to help keep the sweat out of your eyes so you can ogle all those other dead beauties.

But wait! There’s more! If you send me the money now, I will send you two copies of Maimonides’ Thirteen Principles. That’s two copies of the Thirteen Principles plus the Sham-Wow® towels all for ten dollars plus shipping and handling.

But wait! There’s even more. The first million callers may also receive my perhaps never to be published book, “Left Behind, Right Behind, Tight Behind: Having the Butt You Want in Heaven.”

Call now. Operators are standing by.

5 comments:

Grégoire said...

I assume there is still time for a quick run to pay homage to my earthly lords Burger King and his Dairy Queen before I meet the King of Kings).

as long as you don't forget jack in the box, you'll be well on your way to a great hand.

Patti said...

After all the serious stuff on the blog lately I needed a good blast of just pure fun.

Maybe if I believe it hard enough my breasts will one day be better than they ever really were. Now that is worth dying for!

Eruesso said...

I was intrigued by the theory of a digital resurrection when I came across the concept of the Omega Point in Robert Sawyer's Sci-fi novel Flashforward. In the novel a character quotes Frank Tipler's description of the Omega Point, a mechanism for the ultimate fate of the universe where

"computer-based life will eventually supplant biological life, and that information-processing capabilities will continue to expand year after year, until at some point, in the far future, no conceivable computing problem will be impossible. There will be nothing that the future machine life won't have the power or resources to calculate."[Flashforward, Ch. 16]

With essentially infinite processing capabilities the Omega Point will be able to replicate every person and every possible memory state throughout time. There may be "oodles" of possible humans and memories throughout time but it is a finite number. Therefore the Omega Point, which Frank Tipler associates with God, will be able to "resurrect" every single person in a virtual reality emulation. The reason why the Omega Point chooses to resurrect all (or maybe some? hmm...) of humanity is because it loves us. So I guess with a Godputer with nearly infinite computing processing power you can have that Buff and beautiful digital body in a digital heaven.

TheNote said...

Resurrection Diet????
I'm In!!!

Rabbi Rami said...

I have never been to a Jack in the Box, though I did want one of their car antenna heads.

Digital resurrection is interesting. I always wondered if you were still you when Scotty beamed you one place or another. And if you were still you what is the you you still are?

But all of this pales next to my musings about Patti's breasts.