Thursday, September 04, 2008

Sarah Palin, I Love You!

I love Governor Sarah Palin.

I love the fact that she can stand on the shores of Alaska, watch the ice melt precipitously, and still deny the danger of global climate change and the role of human beings in it.

I love the fact that she can argue for the drilling of oil, a product that takes millions of years for nature to produce, and still believe in Creationism, which doesn’t allow enough time for nature to produce it.

I love the fact that she can love her pregnant teenage daughter and still advocate Abstinence Only sex education.

I love the fact that she can be married to a union member and still promote policies that weaken unions.

I love the fact that she can look all soft and feminine and still be, as she herself said, a pit-bull with lipstick. I love that the most.

I love that the most because I live next to a pit-bull. His name is Rusty and he is just the cutest dog. I keep dog treats with me all the time, and I always give him one whenever I go into or out of my house. True I’m afraid that if I don’t bribe him to let me pass he will rip my throat out, but still I genuinely love this dog. That’s why I plan to purchase some lipstick today, smear it on his mouth while he is preoccupied with a dog biscuit, and take him to the Republican Party headquarters for a one man one dog pro-Sarah Palin rally. It’s only half a mile from my house, and I’m sure the people there will love the gesture.

John McCain made a brilliant choice in picking Governor Palin as his running mate. I am more convinced than ever that the Republicans will retain the White House, and while I fear for my country having to endure four more years of an anti-science, anti-reason, anti-labor, anti-environment, anti-education, anti-Constitution government, I also know that America gets the leadership it deserves.

But the future may be more interesting then a simple return to the good old days of back alley abortions and the Cold War. Here are three possible scenarios.

One: John McCain wins the presidency in November. He starts wars with Iran and Russia triggering a joint Arab-Russian invasion of Israel thus initiating the Second Coming of Jesus who slaughters billions of nonbelievers as part of God’s Pro-Life agenda.

Two: John McCain wins the presidency in November. He starts wars with Iran and Russia triggering a joint Arab-Russian invasion of Israel, but Jesus fails to return, perhaps angry with John for not putting Joe Lieberman, a fellow Jew, on the ticket.

Three: John McCain wins the presidency in November. If he survives his first term, and given his age and the stress of the job and the coming wars with Iran and Russia he may not, he will decline to run for a second term. Vice President Palin then becomes either the first woman president (because John is ill or worse), or runs as the Republican nominee in 2012. In either case, Saran Palin will run for president in four years and opposing her will be another lip-glossed pit-bull, this one in a pantsuit (Rusty will love wearing one of those), and we are in for the most wicked battle in American politics since Burr shot Hamilton.

Oh, and then Jesus back comes after that.


Patti said...

I love the fact that Sarah Palin is a woman trying win votes from a group of people many of whom still don’t allow women positions of leadership within their church.

Mike Smith and Rami Shapiro said...

Now that is an angle I had not considered. I wonder how people who follow the traditional patriarchal hierarchy will handle a woman as the head of the nation. Could this be the crack in the clergy glass ceiling that would allow women full participation in church leadership in all denominations?

Patti said...

HA! It will take more than a vp to crack that ceiling. These folks believe God told them that women are to be submissive, are to never teach men or be in leadership over them. My guess is that they will see this as a slippery slope to liberalism and a sign of the end times. The only thing that might help McCain is that these folks respect Obama and the Democrats even less.

I have to say though, I live in a historically Republican community. Two years ago they elected the first democratic congressmen since who knows when. The people I talk to are across the board tired of the Republicans. Seriously, I have not talked to anyone who is not ready to see them go and willing to vote for Obama even if they don't agree with his policies. (or think he is a mooos-lem)

It will be interesting to see what happens in this election.

Sandy said...

It's not a crack in the glass ceiling. Women are not allowed to be in charge of marriages or churches. Countries are ok (or so says Southern Baptist Richard Land)

Patti said...

Hi Sandy,
There are over 400 kinds of Baptists alone, not to mention all the other religions that fall under "conservative" ideals. (Not that all Baptists are conservative.) As you say, some would be fine with a woman as vp. From my own experience many will not be fine with it. Not only is sexism alive in the church, so is racism. Some of these folks may find themselves between a rock and a hard place this election.

Ellie Maybe said...

So feasibly, Sandy, one can assume that the Right disapproves of homosexual marriage because a lesbian relationship would be utterly out of control and a same-sex male relationship would result in war?

By that logic, it would be fair game to compare the entire Republican party to a homosexual civil union.

And thus, we come to the conclusion: Republicans are gay.

And not just the ones found in airport bathrooms.

Thank god, because I have a huge crush on Sarah Palin. I'm not going to vote for her, but I'd slip a ballot in her any day.