Friday, September 26, 2008

Playing the Jew Card

Some Jews have a problem with Barack Obama. Some Jews have a problem with me. Some Jews think Barack Obama is a Muslim (nothing wrong with being a Muslim, by the way, but he is a Christian just so you know especially if you are one of those Jews who think there is something wrong with being a Muslim which there isn’t, but if there were you should know he is not). Some Jews think I’m a Buddhist (nothing wrong with being a Buddhist, by the way, but I’m not). Some Jews think Barack Obama is bad for Israel. Some Jews think I am bad for Israel. But the real reason why some Jews have a problem with Barack Obama is… drum roll… because he’s black.

True Obama is only half black, but the half that is black is the outside half rather than the inside half and that is troubling to some Jews. Especially older Jews. Especially older Jews in Florida. Especially older Jews in my parents’ condo. If only his black half were on the inside and his white half on the outside, then we’d have no problem.

But wait! You think Obama is scary for the Jews? Listen to Florida Democratic Congressman Alcee Hastings, “If Sarah Palin isn’t enough of a reason for you to get over whatever your problem is with Barack Obama, then you damn well had better pay attention. Anybody toting guns and stripping moose don’t care too much about what they do with Jews and blacks. So, you just think this through.” [Cited in USA TODAY]

Wow. OK. I will.

True, Jews don’t usually tote guns unless they are in the Israeli army or part of the Settler Movement that wants to turn Palestine into Boca East. It is actually against Jewish law to hunt for sport. This is one of the few Jewish laws I have never violated, so placing this at the heart of what it is to be a Jew is fine with me. But what about this moose stripping thing?

I have seen many moose in my time, but none of them were dressed. Even my favorite moose, Bullwinkle J. rarely wore clothes, and when he did he only wore a t-shirt from his alma mater Whatsamatta U, and he only wore this in restaurants that had signs saying “Shirts Required.” So why would Sarah Palin strip moose? Who is dressing them up in the first place?

As urged by Rep. Hastings I actually thought this through and discovered that Gov. Palin actually can field dress a moose. This, I assume, means she can dress a moose in the field. This is important: she dresses moose in order to strip them. She has a problem.

I figure there must be a naked moose fetish from which some people suffer. I guess Gov. Palin is one of these sufferers. I tried to find this fetish on the Internet and could not find any association between this moose dressing/stripping obsession and Jews. Now Jews are no different than anyone else so I suspect there are Jews who suffer from this disorder, but no organization devoted to it will accept Jews as members. That, my friends, is anti-Semitism pure and simple.

So Rep. Hastings has a point. Should Jews vote for a woman who refuses to allow Jews to heal from the very same disorder from which she herself suffers? This would be like Jews refusing Tay-Sachs testing to Gentiles. Outrageous! So think about it. Think about it very hard. Think about it so hard that you start to think about moving to Canada. I have.


Peter Schogol said...

Obama has done nothing that I can think of to make Jews nervous. McCain, on the other hand, has picked a running mate who believes that when Jesus returns for the faithful, Jews will be "left behind" and thrown into yet another fiery hell.

How incredibly shortsighted.

JHearne said...

This was well-written and very funny. Thank you for this.

Unknown said...

This is now my fave blog of all time. My ambition is to read all of your posts-past and present!!

From a Jew loving Muslim :)