Color Them Orange

The Orange Order, a Protestant brotherhood, annually celebrates the 17th century defeat of Catholics by Protestants in Ireland. That’s 400 years ago. That’s a lot of annual parades, though I can’t say for certain when the parade thing started.

Anyway, who wants to have their defeat at the hands of heretics (i.e. Protestants) rubbed in their faces every year? Certainly not Catholic teens, hundreds of whom attacked police in Belfast before and after the Orange Order parade. (Where were they during the parade? Watching the parade, of course. Who doesn’t love a good parade?)

“We ain’t dead yet you heretical bastards” they might have shouted before and after the parade if they had asked me what to shout during their clashes with police who may or may not have been heretical bastards but who were certainly trying to keep those heretical bastards from getting hurt by (or hurting?) the Papist bull dogs who hounded them. “We ain’t dead yet.”

You might wonder why religion and violence go hand in hand. It’s simple. People are intrinsically violent. We are also intrinsically religious. Hence we are intrinsically violent when it comes to religion.

I was listening to a televangelist the other day who said, “Jesus came as a Lamb, but he’s coming back as a Lion.” We don’t want our gods to be like Mr. Rogers. We want them to be like Mr. T. That’s why Jesus, who was mostly like Mr. Rogers, had to be transformed into Christ, who is mostly like Mr. T.

Of course when I say “we” I mean mostly boys and those girls (like that televangelist) who have surrendered to boys and their gods. Left alone, girls have a different idea about gods. Girl gods tend to be wide of hip, large of breast, and more focused on crop yields than body counts. Not that they can’t whip your ass if provoked, but mostly they aren’t about war. That’s why most boy religions keep girls in the back room. We only want to hear about peace and love after we massacre those we fear and hate. Read your Bible, people!

Personally, I don’t like religious victory parades, and I don’t care to see Yaweh in the ring with Allah, or Jesus the Lionheart taking on Pope AntiChrist the XXXXII, though I might pay to see Saraswati and Aphrodite mudwrestle. I am a boy, after all.

Anyway, I just want to send a heartfelt congrats to the Protestants on their victory, and my condolences to the Catholics. But not to worry me boyos, you’ll get those heretics in the afterlife.