Thursday, February 10, 2011

Live Free and Fart

I get a lot of scam emails. You know, the ones that ask you to help a Nigerian woman cash in on her husband’s millions by paying a bribe to the bank president. I’ve worked with several of these women, and these things never pan out. That’s how I know they’re scams. But since so many people are trying this, I assume some people are making money at it, so I have come up with two similar scams that I would like you to help me beta-test. Please share the following two letters.

My name is Howard Thachapanda. I am a citizen of Malawi, and I am in grave danger. My problem is simple: I fart. I fart a lot. And I make a lot of noise and emit terrible odors when I do so. Which is a lot. My country is about to make farting a crime, and I fear arrest at any moment. I have tried hiding, but the noise and smell of my farts gives me away no matter where I hide. I am contacting you because I know you are person who understands both farting and freedom. I have almost enough money to escape my country, and I am hoping you can supply the rest. It is only $50 dollars. If you can help please reply to this email, and I will ask for your bank account numbers, social security number, and the name of the dwarf who turns straw into gold in the Brothers Grimm fairy tale. Please help me. And soon. I had a large plate of beans just moments ago and I fear the police are patrolling near-by.

If you don’t feel comfortable pretending to be a citizen of Malawi, try this variant:

My name is J. Morris. I am a United States citizen living in Malawi. I am a mild mannered reporter working for a major metropolitan newspaper, and I am about to be tried in Malawi for the crime of farting. It was an accident, as I understood the law against farting, but I could not find a rest room and was forced to fart on the street. I did not know the man standing next to me was with the Malawi secret police. I was being targeted because I was secretly interviewing leaders of the Live Free and Fart movement in Malawi. I need to raise money for my defense. I was given your name along with several others because you are a champion of freedom, and, so I have been told, a fart sufferer. If you can help me, please respond to this email and we will figure out how much I can take you for. God bless you. And God bless America. And God bless Beano.

So please try these out and let me know which of them works the best. Any money you make from these is yours to keep as a “thank you” for being part of this product testing effort. If you do reply to this post please include your bank account numbers, social security number, and the name of the dwarf who turns straw into gold in the Brothers Grimm fairy tale.

Thanks.

5 comments:

rbarenblat said...

I can't help wondering whether this post is your way of subtly laughing at the fact that this week's parsha talks so much about reiach nichoach, a sweet scent before God.

;-)

Mary Ingmire said...

This reminds of of an op-ed piece I read years ago as a response to the question, "Do you mind if I smoke?"

"No. Do you mind if I fart? I've been trying to quit for years, but haven't been successful so far."

Anyone for chili on a cold day?

Aron said...

I've got to wonder, Rami, if you need to train your e-mail filters better. I haven't actually read such an e-mail for years except once in awhile when I'm curious how bad it's gotten. ;)

Chéeliyahu said...

slight revision forwarded to evangelical contacts. so far, nada.

"My name is Juan Morris. I am a United States illegal exiled in Egypt. I am a mild mannered reporter working for a major metropolitan Arabic newspaper, and I am about to be tried in Gaza for the crime of farting. It was an accident, as I understood the law against farting, but I could not find a rest room and was forced to fart on the street. I did not know the masked man standing next to me was with the Hamas secret police. I was being targeted because I was secretly interviewing underground leaders of the Live Free and Fart movement in Egypt. I need to raise money for my defense. I am being threatened with hanging. I was given your name and contact information, along with several other moms because you are a champion of freedom, God-fearing Christians, and, so I have been told, a fart sufferer. If you can help me, please respond to this email and we will figure out how much I can take from you. God bless you. And God bless America. And God bless Beano."

Dawn said...

Okay, Rami, you've inspired me to complete my story "Guys, Gas and Guns." I started it 3-4 months ago then wussed out when it came to actually posting it.

Great piece !!1