Hazing Arizona

A lot of people should have been asking me about my opinion of the anti-illegal immigration law passed recently in Arizona. Just in case you were one of them, I thought I would share my thoughts with you. If you aren’t one of them, skip this paragraph and start with the next one.

Here are my thoughts on the Arizona anti-illegals law. I am a patriotic and loyal American born 298 days after the Fourth of July. As a good American I tend to agree with other good Americans about things. In this case 39% of Americans support the law and 30% oppose it. So I support it. Another 31% say they never heard of it, and if that number grows I may never have heard of it either, but right now I have heard of it and it seems that I support it.

Why do I support it? Because it doesn’t do anything to stop illegals from illegally crossing the Mexican—US border, and because it gives police officers more to do, and because it allows them to say, “May I see your papers please,” which is a line from Firesign Theater that I always wanted to say but had no real occasion to say it and now I can think about becoming a police offer in Arizona so I can say it.

I also like the idea because my grandparents were illegal aliens. At least that is what the Nazis said. So when they came to Ellis Island my maternal grandfather changed his name from something no one remembers to Cohen which sounded much more American to him. He also claimed to be born on December 25 so that people could buy him stuff on sale. My grandfather was very thoughtful that way.

I also like the idea because it will create lots more jobs. To avoid being stopped by the police Hispanics (legal and otherwise) will lighten their skin color, get fitted with blue contacts, and learn to speak English without an accent like they do here in Middle Tennessee. All of this will raise the demand for skin lightening technicians, eye doctors and optometrists, and ESL teachers from Middle Tennessee. So it is good for the economy.

If it works as planned I can see laws singling out other racial and ethnic groups. Africans ought to carry papers proving they are freed-blacks, and I think Jewish men should be stopped by the police and asked, “Can I see your penis, please?” Who knows what kind of new jobs this will bring?

Anyway, just in case the majority of American’s change their minds and oppose this bill, let me suggest one way to get around racial profiling. They can’t profile you if you don’t walk sideways. Every time you see a police office walk straight toward them. This way they can’t see your profile. This works especially well with Jews since it is harder to measure the nose when not in profile. True the Nazis didn’t care, but we aren’t there. Yet.