Monday, November 02, 2009

Weather or Not to Believe


When it comes to matters meteorological, I always check with the pious. That is how I know the sun orbits the earth, that hurricane Katrina was caused by homosexuality, and that global warming is caused by atheists.

This last comes from God’s chief meteorologist, Pope Benedict XVI, who said in a recent speech, “Is it not true that inconsiderate use of creation begins where God is marginalized or also where His existence is denied? If the human creature's relationship with the Creator weakens, matter is reduced to egoistic possession, man becomes the ‘final authority,’ and the objective of existence is reduced to a feverish race to possess the most possible.”

This is harsh, but true. Without God we might become greedy and narcissistic. Without God you might walk around dressed in gold robes, wearing red Gucci loafers, wielding giant jewel encrusted silver staves, live in huge palaces filled with treasures and protected by a private army dressed in tights. Without God we might think we have a monopoly on truth, and feel empowered to lecture the world on the evils of condoms.

No, wait. That is what the Pope does and he has God. Wow! If this what the Pope does, just think of what people who don’t have God would do! No wonder the world is in such trouble.

So the answer is to get God. But, you might ask, what will getting God do to save the planet? It’s simple.

First you have to understand that there is only One God, and the Pope has him. So when the Pope says you should get God he isn’t suggesting that you get the god of your choice. He is talking about getting his God. And when you get his God, you get him. And when you get him you get to give him all your money. And when you give him all your money you have no money left over to be greedy. And when you have no money left over to be greedy you won’t be able to buy all those polluting devices. And if you can’t buy these polluting devices, the earth will stop warming and the planet will be saved. Until Jesus comes back and blows it all to Hell in the end anyway, but you won’t care because by then you will have abandoned the Pope for a Protestant Prosperity Preacher who will let you buy whatever the hell you want as long as you give a chunk of your income to his ministry, and who promises that Jesus will rapture you off the planet just before he destroys the place and the Pope along with it.

All of this is good news, though not to atheists. They still lack God, love carbon emissions, and are rapture-proof rather than rapture-ready. So I beg of you, my nonbelieving sisters and brothers, get thee to the Church on time to save our planet in time.

5 comments:

. said...

Loved it! This time, HaRavRam HaYakar, you have excelled yourself. Does the popemobile contribute to global warning, or does it have a special exemption?

Do your bit - contribute to global warming!

. said...

Its me, Immanuel of Manofesto, I was here (am here)and posted the previous response....

Simcha Daniel Burstyn said...

Oh, well. By the title, I had hoped you were going to reference the rain in Israel right now - in spite of the fact that we're running rampant right wing rule over the Palestinians - if rain (at least in Israel) is a sign of HaShem's favor, as the book of Deuteronomy proposes, then electing Bibi and Yvette to run the Middle East into the ground was apparently the right thing to do...

Steven Maimes said...

I think you were too harsh on the Pope and his lifestyle. His inner teachings express love of God. Best not to be influenced by the outer form. The Catholic experience can be and is positive for millions of people...

Rabbi Rami said...

It is the idea of blaming atheists that I am decrying, and the fact that it is raining in Israel simply proves the point; most Israelis are secularists.