Pam McLaurin, a kindergarten teacher in Texas, believes digital fingerprints are the Mark of the Beast that the Book of Revelations warns us against. Hence her refusal to allow the Texas Education Agency to make a digital copy of her fingerprints, something required of all kindergarten teachers.
Is Ms. McLaurin right? Are digital fingerprints satanic. Maybe yes. Maybe no. I have no way to know.
To err on the side of caution, I will assume digital fingerprints are satanic, and the digital print is the Mark of the Beast. Now here is my problem: the digital fingerprint is simply a copy of the swirls on my very own fingers. So if there is the Mark of the Beast on the print, it must first be on my fingers. Now, that’s scary!
If Ms. McClaurin is right, and I cannot prove she is wrong, our fingers all bear the Satanic Seal. We have known for a long time that “idle hands are the Devil’s playground,” but now we know that our fingers themselves are satanic!
So what do we do?
First, give Ms. McLaurin a break. She has worked for the Texas school system for 20 years, and if she were going to do something satanic with those satanically sealed digits of hers, she would have done so already. If she won’t make a copy of prints, just ask her to wear gloves to none of her little charges have to be touched by the Beast.
Second, we ought to consider burning off our fingerprints. Who wants to carry around the Sign of the Beast on our fingers? (Toes, too? I don’t know.)
But maybe I am taking things too far. Maybe Ms. McLaurin isn’t claiming that all fingerprints are the Sign of the Beast, but only her fingerprints! If that is so, then she must be removed from the classroom, and all the children she has touched over the past two decades should be found and tested for blasphemous ideas and unholy behavior.
I only wish that Ms. McLaurin had the guts to admit twenty years ago that she bore the Mark of the Beast. I am certain the great state of Texas would not have hired her. So maybe she is in league with the Devil after all. Or maybe she is just a liberal like me, who extends the classic don’t ask don’t tell policy invented for homosexuals to that other oppressed minority: Satan’s minions. I just don’t know.
What do you think? Should Ms. McLaurin give Texas the finger or not?