Thank God for Global Warming!

Thank God for global warming! Seriously. Just yesterday I was a complete supporter of all things anti-greenhouse gases, but today I am a changed man. It turns out that if not for today’s greenhouse gases trapping heat and warming the earth, we would be about to enter another ice age.

Cute cartoon movies aside, a new Ice Age isn’t exactly a walk in Jurassic Park.

According to The New York Times (September 4, 2009) the journal Science is reporting that the earth was heading onto an “inevitable” Ice Age over the next few dozen millennia, but that global warming has put a stop to it. Holy crap!

Just think if we listened to Al Gore and actually stopped burning dead dinosaur goo in our cars and homes—the whole earth would be encased in ice in, what, 20 to 30 thousand years! Talk about caring for our children and our children’s children’s children’s children’s children’s children’s children’s children’s children’s children’s children’s children’s children’s children’s children’s children’s children’s children’s children’s children’s children’s children’s children’s children’s children’s children’s, well you get the idea and I’ve lost count.

So I’m doing my part, and trading in my fuel¬–efficient car for one of the newly placed on the marked clunkers the Ice–loving Obama administration stole form our garages. And I’m cranking up my air–conditioner and putting on a sweater. And I’m driving my car from the top of my driveway to the bottom to pick up the newspaper. And I’m even thinking of burning some old tires in the backyard and having a few friends over for a rubber chicken barbeque. I mean, I’m a patriot, and I love my children and my children’s children’s children’s children’s children’s children’s children’s children’s children’s children’s…. and I will do whatever I can to keep the ice at bay. And you should, too!

What I don’t get is why the Times is still urging people to fight global warming. Even the scientists who discovered the push back of the Ice Age are urging us to fight global warming! What gives? Are they so in love with hockey that they want the whole planet to be one giant hockey rink? Or are they so heavily invested in skiwear that they would rather see Miami freeze than drown?

Dr. Overpeck (his real name, by the way), the author of the study, even calls the Ice Age an “opportunity.” And opportunity for what? To freeze to death? To let polar bears actually drink Coke at the company’s headquarters in Atlanta? What kind of opportunity is it he sees in the end of all life as we know it?

We’ve had 17 ice ages so far. Do you remember any of them? Did anyone alive then write a great novel about them? No. Why? Because they were too cold to hold a pen or tap a keyboard, that’s why! And then they were dead. Frozen to death before they could publish what would surely have been called, the Ice Mountain Cometh.

We’ve only got 30,000 years to prevent this catastrophe, so get with the program, people, and heat this planet up before it’s too late.