Christianity: No Ifs, Ands, or Butts

Jave Neyland is seven years old. She lives in Texas. She is a persecuted Christian.

The godless school board of Irving, Texas (no doubt named after a godless New York Jew) has ordered Jave to tuck in the shirttails of her blouse in accordance with school dress codes. Her mother, Dyker Neyland (named after the flood control devices of Holland and not indicative of the woman’s sexual orientation) claims that the school board is persecuting her daughter because she is a Christian. Christians, as it turns out, are required to wear their shirts untucked.

Dyker’s proof is 1 Timothy 2:9 which requires women to “adorn themselves in modest apparel, with propriety and moderation.” Allowing Jave to parade around school with her butt uncovered by shirttails would violate the New Testament and endanger Jave’s eternal soul.

Critics of Ms. Neyland will not doubt argue that little Jave could wear skirts or dresses rather than buttocks enhancing jeans that need buttocks covering. After all, when St. Timothy wrote his injunction against immodesty women weren’t wearing pants. Indeed neither were men. First Timothy could not have imagined tight jeans (though it is rumored that Second Timothy was a butt hound), and could not have been writing with shirttails in mind. Dyker is thus adding her own interpretation to the Bible, which she should be condemned to hell for doing, and which should not be imposed on Texans as a whole.

Now most of my readers will assume that I support the school board in this issue, but in fact I don’t. Texas is one of the fattest states in the United States. If it follows through on its threats to withdraw from the Union it will be one of the fattest nations on the planet. Fat tends to accumulate in the buttocks of many people, and forcing students to confront fat buttocks day in and day out in school will lead not to licentious thoughts, but painful and cruel jokes. Therefore it is my contention that all butts should be enshrouded with as much flowing fabric as possible. This should be true for the butts of boys as well as girls.

The whole point of a school dress code is to create an environment conducive to learning. Forcing students to stare at a sea of giant butts will not only fail in that regard, it will achieve just the opposite of its intended effect. Proof for this also comes from Timothy, in this case 3 Timothy 15: 38 which, in the King Jane’s translation tells us, “the cheeks to which our Lord referreth be not the cheeks of the butt but that of the head, yea the face, and it is these we must turneth to one another and not the lower which must remain hiddeneth behind a shroud, yea even a vast blanket, yea even angels’ wings, for should the nether cheeks capture the eye of the sinner thy neighbors beam will causest thoughts of lust and secure for them a place in the land of burning, gnashing and writhing in which the Lord castest all whose cheeks go unchecked and those whose eyes behold them.”

The Bible is clear: no ifs, ands, or butts allowed.