I am often asked for my opinion on matters about which I know nothing. Because I write a blog people assume I know stuff. Well I am happy to oblige. Here are some of my opinions on the pressing issues of the day.
Single Payer Healthcare. I am totally in favor of single payer healthcare as long as the single person doing the paying isn’t me. I suggest we choose a person with lots of money, because I think health care is very expensive, and if he or she is going to pay for all of our healthcare, having lots of money is crucial.
A Two-State Solution. I am totally opposed to a two-state solution. There is no point, for example, to having a North and South Dakota. And why is there a West Virginia next to Virginia when there is no East Virginia? As for applying the two-state solution to Israel, I think this is a good idea. There should be a 13th Century Israel for the Orthodox Jews and a 21st Century Israel for the secular Jews. Let the religious defend themselves and their settlements. Tefillin make great bolos.
Abortion on Demand. I am totally opposed to abortion on demand. Can you imagine some misanthrope passing a pregnant woman on the street and demanding she have an abortion? This is taking individual rights too far.
Nuclear Disarmament. I am totally opposed to nuclear disarmament. If every country, ethnic group, and religious faction had these weapons no one would use them. Or if someone did use them the others would annihilate them in seconds. Peace through strength!
Guns in Public Places. I am totally in favor of guns in public places. I would make gun toting mandatory for everyone over the age of 12. The more guns we have the safer we will be. Just imagine some coked-up 12-year-old shooting up a Chucky Cheese. He’d get off two or three rounds at most before parents and kids around the restaurant would kill him and the other kids at his birthday party. But if he were the only one with a gun and we had to wait for the police to arrive lots more kids would be killed and our dinners ruined.
Nude Bathing. I am totally in favor of nude bathing. Who wants to take a bath with their clothes on?
Gay Marriage. I am totally in favor of gay marriage, why get married if you’re not happy?
Anti-Semitism. I am totally in favor of Anti-Semitism. It is the only thing that keeps nonreligious Jews in the fold. I am petitioning Dan Brown to write a book about how the Elders of Zion control the IMF, banks, media, the USA, and the Vatican. Tom Hanks would star.
So now that you have read my opinions on these pressing matters, I hope you will trust other bloggers to reveal the truth. After all, it is what we do.