Toxic Assets

Eight-grader Jonathan Locke is a serial farter. A resident of Florida, Mr. Locke entertains his classmates on his school bus with stomach churning displays of flatulence. I know you are as shocked and as outraged by this as I am. A child his age devoted to farting as a means of causing others of his ilk to laugh is almost beyond belief. Where are his parents?

Thank God Jonathan’s school bus driver reported Mr. Locke to the authorities. Florida it seems has a Fart Police (FLFP), and they brought this wild ass of a child to his school principal who suspended the boy for three days. The sentence, I suspect, was tied to the amount of time it would take to Febreze the bus to less than toxic levels.

If you are laughing at this, please stop. Farting is serious business. According to the bus driver, young Jonathan’s gas attacks were so foul as to prevent the driver from breathing. A bus driver who stops breathing stops driving, and that endangers all our children. And, in case you have forgotten, our children are our future.

When asked by journalists to comment on his son’s behavior, Jonathan’s father said attempts to prevent farting by eighth graders are futile. Futile? Futile! No wonder Jonathan farts for fun! His dad thinks farting is uncontrollable.

Now, I admit I should have actually checked to see if the following statement is true, but I take it for granted that we can trust me on this: Florida has the most farts per capita (or buttita) of all states in the entire United States. This is not due to young farters, however, but to old farts. Having lived in Miami for twenty years and having spent serious time among the elderly in nursing homes and early-bird diners I can attest that farting increases with age. My grandmother would walk and fart with such rhythmic regularity that it seemed that her farts were actually propelling her forward. But such behavior starts in old age (or in some cases, OK my case, in one’s fifties) and certainly not in one’s formative years. Young Jonathan’s farting is a case of psychological dysfunction not biological inevitability.

Farting eighth-grade boys is unnatural and yet another example of the liberal insanity that has taken hold of this country since the inauguration of our Socialist President, Barack Obama. Farting can be controlled, and controlling eighth-grade farting should be no more difficult to controlling tenth-grade sex.

Some of you liberals are probably thinking we need to expand our sex-ed courses to include anal retention exercises. But that will only encourage farting. I suspect those radicals in South Florida who advocate teaching newborns how to use a condom are already dreaming of workshops for kids called the “Art of the Fart” or “fART,” or some such thing, but they are wrong. We would be far better off removing all references to gas, anal and otherwise, from all our textbooks and classrooms. Abstinence, not safe-farting, is the only real option.

My own suggestion is to start a movement and take over the local school boards and set some solid anti-farting codes in place. With this is mind I plan to create The Inappropriate Gas in eiGHth-graders Today Association (TIGHT ASS) and push to establish Fart-free zones on school buses, and in and around school buildings.

Of course Jonathan Locke denies the whole thing, claiming that a boy sitting in front of him on the bus produced the fart, but this is to be expected. Serial farters are not to be believed. As the old saying goes, “He who got suspended for three days for farting on a bus dealt it.”