I Know What You're Thinking

His Holiness the Dalai Lama is following me on Twitter. Is that cool or what? Actually it is kind of freaky. I feel His Holiness following me everywhere… he is kind of stalking me. I mean right now, it’s five in the morning, everyone is asleep but me, and I swear I can hear the Dalai Lama behind me whirling his prayer wheel: aum mane padme aum, aum mane padme aum, aum mane padme aum.

Of course if you’re going to be stalked it is better to be stalked by the Dalai Lama than, say, Jeffery Dahmer. I’d rather be haunted by a man whose religion is kindness that one whose idea of a snack is my right thigh. But still there is something creepy about being stalked at all.

I know what you’re thinking. OK, I don’t really know what you’re thinking, half the time I don’t know what I’m thinking, but I know what I imagine you’re thinking, or I’m thinking what I think you are thinking or should be thinking or will be thinking as soon as you read what I think you are thinking which will cause you to think it—you are thinking that Twitter is getting the better of me. And you are right.

Of course I know what you’re thinking now—namely that you were not at all thinking what I said you were thinking. But don’t be too sure since the only way you know you weren’t thinking it is to think it and then go back to see if you are thinking it only now and not then in which case I was wrong then but not now since you are thinking it now. I can’t lose.

Anyway, whether you were right then or you are right now, you are right—Twitter is getting the better of me. But where else can I learn that Lauradoglover is buying Kibbles for Nunsy? Or that Mikethehardhat is downing his seventh beer and is late for his AA meeting? Or that the Dalai Lama is hanging with the Buddha in the Bardo?

I don’t share such personal material on Twitter. I send out snide comments intended to bring a smile to Wayne Dyer’s face. At least I hope he’s smiling since most of my material is inspired by (OK stolen from) his material. I am the Bizarro Wayne Dyer turning all of his sweet sayings inside out just for the sheer delight of being contrary.

You could follow me on Twitter just like the Dalai Lama, by the way. And then I could follow you the way I follow him. And then as we are following one another we might actually bump into His Holiness, which would be awkward because I don’t think you’re supposed to touch him, and because there would so many of us bumping into him he would fall over and drop his prayer wheel and we’d have to pick it up and because there are so many of us we would be falling all over one another to do this and we’d probably break it which would mean that when he dies his followers can’t use it to help determine who the next Dalai Lama is and so the Chinese would get to install their own Dalai Lama who would most likely be Han Chinese rather than Tibetan and who would end all hope for Tibetan autonomy and independence and allow the Chinese to turn Tibet into a Disney-like Buddhist theme park and it would be all our fault.

Of course I know what you are thinking…..