Moving to Nebraska

I am moving to Nebraska.

I know this will come as a shock to many of you, and I admit it was a shock to me as well, but hard times and financial demands make the move a necessity.

I found out I was moving when my dad called to say that he was going to abandon me at a Nebraska hospital, and that I should consider doing the same with my son. Nebraska recently passed legislation that allows parents to abandon unwanted children at a hospital—no questions asked. The original idea was to protect the lives of newborns, but unlike other states with similar laws, the Nebraska law doesn’t place an age limit on the abandoned child. This huge oversight has made Nebraska the go-to state for parents who just cannot stand their teenagers anymore.

It has been forty years since I have been a teenager, and over fifty-seven years since I have been a newborn, but my parents can still drop me off in Nebraska. And that is what they plan to do.

“But wait,” I said when my dad called, “you and mom aren’t supporting me, why abandon me now?” His reasoning was flawless.

I am, he said referring to me, counting on making some serious bucks when my parents die, but the economy is stripping them of their resources and they expect to die broke. The guilt of this is forcing them to consider giving me money now while they still have some, but if they do that they won’t be able to live themselves. So to protect themselves from both guilt and poverty they have decided to abandon me to Nebraska.

This line of reasoning is so compelling that I plan to do the same with my son. And, because a car ride from Massachusetts to Nebraska is daunting to my eighty-something parents, I have offered to drive my son and myself to a Nebraska hospital and abandon both of us on its front steps.

What will happen to us? Well at first I expect the state of Nebraska will house and feed us, but the long term goal is get ourselves taken in by a foster family who will support us, or, if we are lucky, maybe even adopted by a wealthy family that will put us in their will. Of course if they take both my son and myself, and their finances aren’t as strong as I require, I can always abandon my son again—no questions asked.

Who says you can’t beat the recession? It’s a win-win for everyone. Everyone except the people of Nebraska, but, hey, they passed the law.