Sunday, September 09, 2007

The Browning of a Terrorist

By the time you read this, Osama Bin Laden has released his new video. I saw an advance photo of him from the video, and I must say, “Osama, you look marvelous!”

Osama has colored his beard, and it has taken years off his face. He looks like a young terrorist again. His message is clear: “Cave living is good for you. It makes you younger. If you think worrying about the Americans is getting me, aging me— well think again.”

The more I thought about the new beard color, however, the more curious I became as to how he did this. Do you think he just walked into a Pakistani salon and said, “Salaam aleikem, Habibi, can you do something with this gray? It’s making me feel so, you know, 9/11. It’s been six years with the same look. Let’s get crazy! The gray has got to go.” I doubt it.

For one thing, the paparazzi would have been all over him. Photos of Osama sitting in the beauty parlor chair reading the latest issue Beneath the Burka (for the essays, of course) would have appeared worldwide in hours. So going to a salon is out of the question.

Maybe he just walked into his cave, mixed some hair dye he had ordered on–line, and reemerged a younger man. Yet this doesn’t make sense either. After all what would his fellow terrorists think?

“Have seen the O-man? He has gone so metrosexual!”

“You know, I was thinking the same thing. It’s like he’s thinking about dating again. Just between you and me I heard he really bombs in bed. Get it? Bombs in bed? I’d send that joke to The New Yorker if we didn’t hate that city so much.”

No, a shocking change from gray to brown would be too much for his people to bear. I think he would have had to do this gradually so as not to disturb his followers. My guess is that he planned this for months, and that the reason we haven’t seen him for so long is that he was slowly washing away the gray.

To be certain, however, I contacted a source in Pakistan, and asked about available hair color products. For safety’s sake he asked me to call him “Abdul” (his real name is Hassan). “Abdul” told me that you can’t buy most American hair products in the mountainous regions of Pakistan where Bin Laden is living.

Vidal Sasson is not available because the Sassons are Jews. Clairol is prohibited be cause it has the letter “i,” “o,” and “l” in its name, which spells “oil” and links Clairol to the Saudi Royal Family which Bin Laden hates. According to “Abdul” Grecian Formula is Osama’s brand of choice. “You must remember that we Arabs were the ones who kept Greek philosophy alive. We love Aristotle, so anything Greek is cool with us.”

And with me. I just know the new color will make Osama stand out more clearly against the pale backdrop of the Pakistani hills. I just pray someone is looking.

1 comment:

Aaron said...

I"m sorry, but the idea that Osama Bin Laden, mastermind of islamo-fascist terror, had to resort ot such delicate subterfuge for a simple die-job is ludicrous. Not that the man isn't capable of the deception, but that he is far too focused on destroying America to worry about his appearance. No. In fact, I believe there is a far more sinister and frightening plot afott, of which the hair color change is only a trifling after effect.Consider: American forces have known for months the general area that Osama is hiding in. Given the Bush administrations rabid tenacity in all things terrroristic, I cannot believe that our Black Ops people haven't already acted on the info. I think Osama is dead. Long since. Whether he was killed in a random cluster bombing or carefully assassinated with a poison turban, I don't know--but I'm absolutely convinced the man is dead, and that his death has been hushed up by the Bushies and Al Qaedies alike to prolong the War of/on Terror. Now, though, it appears Osama is back. Since the validity of the Osama tape cannot be gainsaid, there remains only one conclusion: Al Qaeda has developed time travel. This new, brown bearded Osama, is in reality his own younger self, brought forward in time to re-energize the flagging War in Iraq. Indeed, it may even be that our own government is partly responsible. As everyone who's seen Back to the Future knows, America's early time travel experiments--pioneered by Dr. Emmett Brown--were conducted in colusion with Libyan Terrorists. This well documented link goes all the way back to the mid-eighties, and though we may not hear much about it anymore, there is no reason to assume it ever faded from the boardrooms of the military-industrial complex. War is good business, as good then as it is now.