Sunday, August 26, 2007

It's My Penis and I'll Cry If I Want To

[WARNING: The following blog entry contains many old English words some of which may be offensive to you. If you are the type of reader who will write me and chew me out for being offensive please do not read this blog entry. Or, if you do read it, do not write and complain. You have been WARNED.]

James Bolt is the custodial parent of twelve¬–year–old Ploni Bolt (his real name is a secret to all but those who know him; Ploni is an ancient rabbinic version of John Doe). He is also a recent convert to Judaism who, ala Abraham and Ishmael, wants to chop off the foreskin of Ploni’s penis in deference to his foreskin hating god. Ploni’s mom, the ever-so-Gentile Lia objects and is fighting to save her son’s foreskin. [You can buy bracelets embossed with “LiveWhole” at her website,] Lia has nothing against circumcised penises per se, but she argues that her boy Ploni would like to hold on to his intact penis a little longer (yes, yes, pun intended, he is twelve after all), but he is afraid to tell this to his dad.

This is an old story. In the midrash to the Abraham and Ishmael snip–fest in Genesis we find the following exchange:

Abraham: My son, giveth unto me thine penis that I might hacketh off thy foreskin with a flint rock that we might risketh terrible infection in service to our God.

Ishmael: Sure dad, and giveth me thine friggin’ head because methinks thou art mad!

Abraham: Nay, my son, for God spoketh unto me saying, “Abraham, Abraham, removeth thy foreskin and the foreskins of thy son and thy man–servants for I disliketh these skins which I madeth a few chapters back.

Ishmael: And thou art listening to this madness? What if God toldeth thee to taketh me up a mountain and sacrificeth me on an alter, would thou doeth this as well?

Abraham: Hmmm, now that thou doest mentioneth it… No, of course not. I will protecteth thee from all manner of harm except the potential wrath of my wife who mayeth at some future time seeketh the death of thee and thy mother…

The dialogue goes on, and as you know Ishmael is snipped which is supposed to make him one of the Chosen, but when he is banished into the desert (where he will certainly die) his status is de facto revoked. He then fathers his own people many of whom delight in killing their still Chosen cousins. Karma’s a bitch.

Anyway, back to Ploni. Does dad have the right to do what he wants with his son’s penis? Marc Stern general counsel for the dad-supporting American Jewish Congress says yes, “We have to win this case, and win it big.” He is talking about the case.

I say, leave the poor kid alone. If he chooses to become a Jew then he will deal with the issue of circumcision on his own. My own sense (based on nothing but the desire to write the next line) is that Dad is using Ploni’s penis to screweth his Mom one more time.

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