FAQ

A Jew living in the heart of the Bible Belt gets asked some pretty profound questions. I used to try and answer them fully, but I realized that no one really cared. The question was for the questioner to proselytize me. So I have learned to respond briefly and quickly, and to do so in a manner that leaves the questioner without a come back short of the obvious— “F You!”

Here are some of my favorite questions coupled with some of my favorite answers. I admit that sometimes I keep the answer to myself. It all depends upon how many tattoos or Confederate flags my interlocutor is sporting.

Q: Since you don’t accept Jesus as your Lord and Savior, when he said he is the way, the truth, and the life, was he lying or just insane?
A: Why are these our only choices? I don’t think Jesus was lying or insane. I think he was speaking the truth, and that you have no idea what he really meant.

Q: Why did you Jews kill Jesus?
A: Any god that can be killed, should be killed.

Q: Why did you Jews kill Jesus?
A: Is Jesus dead? I thought he was the Son of God and alive in heaven waiting for the Rapture. When did you stop believing?

Q: Do you believe Mary was a virgin?
A: Of course. But that was before she married Joseph.

Q: Do you believe in Original Sin?
A: No, sin is imitative; there is nothing original about it.

Q: Do Jews have horns?
A: Yes, we call them shofars. They are made from antlers and we blow them to wake up to God’s call for justice and humility. That is what you meant, isn’t it?

Q: Don’t you worry about going to hell?
A: I do, actually, but try as I might I can’t bring myself to become a Muslim.

Q: Does it bother you that God doesn’t hear the prayers of Jews?
A: No. I’m proud that God trusts us to figure things out for ourselves.

Q: Do your believe the body has a soul?
A: No, I believer the soul has a body.

Q: Are you a wiseass?
A: No, my ass is no wiser than yours.

Q: You know you Jews are going to burn in Hell forever, don’t you?
A: Sure, but we love warn climates.