Mooning Jesus

I know you're not going to believe this, and I don’t blame you. But I’m going to share it none the less.

I walked into Wal-Mart earler this week, and wandered to the back of the store to see what the prices were on new flat screen TVs. The televisions were on, of course, and every set was showing the horror of the tornado-ravaged areas of the country. Special emphasis was placed on the high school where so many students died.

One reported spoke about tornado preparedness measures the schools had practiced and the screen filled with kids on their knees with their heads pressed to the floor against the wall. This was, I guess, a protective posture. The sound was off so I can’t say for sure, but a fellow standing just behind didn’t see it that way at all:

“I’ll be damned!” he said. “They’re teachin’ our kids to pray like Muslims.” He actually pronounced the word closer to “mooslims.”

I thought he was joking, and so I turned to him and said, “Yeah, they are worried that their insurance companies won’t pay if it’s an act of God, so they are preparing to argue that it is the will of Allah and hence insurable by any American company.”

Not only did this guy not think I was funny, he didn’t think I was kidding.

“If God wanted our kids to die in a tornadah that’s his business and I’m not goin’ t’say anything about it. But if Allah did this, then I think we’s got to do something and do it soon.”

“I was just joking,” I said. “These kids weren’t praying they were ducking for cover.”

“Same thing as far as I’m concerned. Jesus is the only cover you need, and you can’t get to Jesus rolled up like a Mooslim. If they’re prayin’ they should be on their knees with their backs straight, chins up and eyes t’heaven.”

“Different religions have different prayer postures,” I said seemingly oblivious to the fact that I was in over my head. “I’m Jewish and…”

“Listen, son. There is only one God and one Jesus Christ and one way to pray before him. I don’t know about Jews, but I’ve seen Mooslims prayin’ before with their heads down and their butts up. I know what they’re doin’. Their god Allah is a desert god so they put their heads down on the groun’ t’be close t’him. OK, but why raise their butts? That is to insult Jesus and us Christians. They’re moonin’ God, boy, don’t you see that?”

“Well, I don’t think…”

“That’s your problem boy, that and bein’ a Jew. You can fix the one. Don’t know about th’other.” Then he walked away. He was wrong of course; I can’t seem to fix either one.