Friday, April 14, 2006

The War Against Pesach

Once again the Christian bias of this country and its theocratic administration has shown its ugly anti-Semitic face. I am referring to this Sunday’s Easter Egg Roll at the White House. Some sixteen thousand Easter celebrants will converge on the White House lawn to roll colored eggs in honor of the resurrection of Jesus. While I do not begrudge these Christian holy rollers their day on the lawn, I find it repugnant that there is nothing similar for Jewish Americans whose Passover holy day falls at the same time.

When I contacted the White House and inquired about this I was told that Jewish Americans were welcome to roll eggs along with everyone else. This was a thoughtless and repugnant response. I explained to the administration official that we Jews don’t roll eggs. While the word “roll” is found twelve times in the Hebrew Bible, the word “egg” is not mentioned even once. She not so humbly explained to me that while the Bible may be egg free, the Talmud tells us that Rabbi Abaye (280-339 CE) was famous for his ability to juggle eight eggs (some sources, she admitted, say only four eggs). While I admitted that she was right about Abaye, I reminded her that he did this at Sukkot not Passover, so it her point was irrelevant.

Getting nowhere on the phone, I sent an email to the White House outlining four events that could be held simultaneously with the White House Easter Roll. All they had to do was pick one, and I would be satisfied. Here is what I suggested they consider:

1. THE WHITE HOUSE AFIKOMEN HUNT. The President would hide a piece of matzoh somewhere in the White House and invite thousands of Jewish kids to tear through the place to find it.

2. THE WHITE HOUSE MATZOH BALL ROLL. While clearly derivative, thousands of Jewish families could come to the White House and roll matzoh balls alongside their Christian egg-rolling neighbors. The challenge here would be get matzoh balls that are hard and solid rather than soft and flakey. I suggest the President ask Jewish women to submit sample balls in advance of the event to find those that would serve this purpose.

3. THE WHITE HOUSE MATZOH FLY. Rather than copy the Christian event, Jews could be invited to the White House to toss whole matzoh squares like Frisbees from one end of the lawn to the other. If there is no room on the lawn for this event, or if the President fears that the sharp cornered matzoh squares might take someone’s eye out, the event could be retitled the GREAT AMERICAN MATZOH SKIM and held at the reflecting pool on the Mall where matzoh would be skimmed like flat rocks on the water’s surface.

These are just three ideas that would give Jewish Americans equal standing with their Christian neighbors. Unfortunately, the President has chosen to ignore my suggestions and make it clear that this is a Christian Egg-rolling Nation. I, for one, am very disappointed.


Linda said...

You are hysterical, Rami. Your fan, Linda Mayers

Zoe Rose said...

How about "Maror-Eating Contest?" My dad and I do this every year, and the end result is that everyone wins, our faces just turn odd colors, we cry from the heat, and our sinuses are cleared for days.