Thursday, April 20, 2006

The Ralph of God

A woman interviewed at the White House Easter Egg Roll was asked about the large numbers of gay and lesbian parents in attendance. She said, “It made we want to vomit. It made God want to vomit.”

While I felt bad for her digestive distress, the idea of God vomiting was far more disturbing. To find out more about this I contacted E. C. Homo an expiring in the Ralph of God.

“Dr. Homo, does God vomit?”

“Vomit is mentioned ten times in the Holy Scripture, but not in relation to God. There are passages that deal with God hating the stench of sacrifice, burnt offerings and the like, but even this does not cause Him to vomit.”

“If God did vomit, what would that be like?”

“It would be very bad.”

“Worse than Noah’s flood?”

“Oh, yes, much worse. Vomit contains chunks of food and that would rain down upon the earth like a giant meteor shower. Pieces that made it through the earth’s atmosphere would most likely kick up enough dust to blot out the sun and kill off most plants and trees. Human life could not long survive a Divine Ralphing.

“What if God was drinking and simply vomited up liquid? How bad could that be?”

“Think global tsunami. If God vomits, regardless of what God vomits, the result of that vomit hitting the earth would be end of life as we know it.”

“Do we have any defense against God’s vomit?”

“The best defense is, as they say, a good offense. So we should be clear as to what makes God vomit and then do our best not to do that in the first place.”

“Do homosexuals make God vomit?”

“There is nothing in the Bible to suggest that they do. God detests homosexuality, but that is not the same as saying homosexuals make God vomit.”

“Do you think the woman at the Easter Egg Roll who said that gay and lesbian parents make God vomit knows something about God you don’t?”

“Of course that is possible. The study of the Divine Digestive System is a specialty and there are intricacies of which I may be ignorant. Vomitheology has become something of a specialty among certain people of faith for whom God’s vomit is central to their own sense of self-righteousness. So I don’t want to judge this woman’s credentials without knowing more.”

“Thank you, Doctor. I appreciate your time.”

“My pleasure.”

So, that is that. There is nothing we can do to save ourselves from the Ralph of God. It is just a matter of time. At least we know whom to blame.

1 comment:

Peter Schogol said...

Ah, but then there's the Holy Hurl of Houston: the spitting image of Jesus and Mary in a preserved Pieta of puke.

The Archdiocese of Galveston-Houston hasn't taken an official position on the matter (other than a prudent few yards away) so the faithful feel fully affirmed in their worship of this wondrous wooze.

The fear, however, is that like the Illumined Enchildada of Encino, the Sacred Sausage of Saskatoon, and the Gnostic Gnoccho of Gnazzo, the Holy Hurl will not long survive the blasphemous Biodegredation of Beelezebub.

Sic transit gloria...