Thursday, September 20, 2012

Mrs. Jesus

What is it with these Coptic Christians? Last week one them started a murderous global protest with his asinine and offensive “movie” about the Prophet Mohammad (PUH), and now Harvard Divinity School professor Karen L. King has translated a Coptic Christian text that has Jesus referring to his wife.

According to Dr. King, the text says, “Jesus said to them, ‘my wife.’” The text is in Coptic, a language I can’t read, but when I look at the Coptic text I think it says, “Jesus said to them, “Take my wife—please!’” This is followed by the Coptic symbol for a drum roll and cymbal crash.

I’m not sure why Christians hate the idea that Jesus was married. Is it the thought of Jesus having sex? I’m sure He could do it the way His Dad did with Mary, though that was technically adultery, since Mary was betrothed to Joseph at the time. At least Jesus would be having sex with His own wife and not someone else’s.

Does this text prove that Jesus was married? Not at all. First of all it was written centuries after Jesus’ death. Second, Jesus references His mom in the Gospels; if He had a wife don’t you think He would have mentioned her as well? The closest we get to any New Testament hint that Jesus was married is the story of the wedding feast at Cana where the servants complain to Jesus’ mother that they are running out of wine. If Mary was a just a guest at the wedding, why bother her with this? If she was more than a guest….

There are three possibilities: 1) Mary was the party planner for the event; 2) Mary was the manager of the hotel that catered the event; or 3) Mary was the mother of the groom, i.e. Jesus. This last would explain why she told the servants to speak to Jesus about the wine problem. But it could also mean that Mary ran the hotel and Jesus was the maƮtre de. So there is nothing conclusive here.

Anyway, I now expect Christians to be rioting in the streets over the insult to their God. In fact, if I were the Egyptian Ambassador in DC, I would demand extra protection for my embassy in case American Christians attack the Embassy, holding the Egyptian government responsible for this Egyptian Coptic text.

If they do attack the embassy please don’t forget to assume that all Christians are ignorant puppets manipulated by their religious leaders into doing inane and vicious acts of violence. If they don’t attack the embassy please don’t forget to assume that all Christians have abandoned their love of Christ. I myself take the Coptic Christian who made the anti-Muslim film as proof that all Christians hate Muslims and make bad movies. The Left Behind films provide additional evidence for this thesis. After all, what other conclusion can you draw?


Lou Mindar said...

I have long been intrigued by the marital status of Jesus, not because it would really change much about him or the religion he spawned, but strictly out of curiosity.

Virtually nothing is said in the canonical texts about Jesus being married or unmarried, which in and of itself seems odd. If he was married, wouldn't there be some mention of his wife or at least the fact that he had married?

If he hadn't married, that would be even odder and would certainly be worthy of comment. The man was a Jew in his 30's at the time of his ministry. As I understand it, Jewish men at that time typically married in their late teens or early 20's. It would have been very unusual for a Jewish man to age into his 30's and remain a bachelor. If he had, surely someone along the way would have commented on it. Yet, no mention is made about it at all in the Bible.

Rabbi Rami said...

I wonder if Jesus "spawned" a religion, or if Paul and others made a religion out of Jesus?

Lou Mindar said...

Fair enough. Sloppy thinking on my part. Jesus was long gone by the time Paul started the religion we know today as Christianity.

doctor rob said...

I enjoyed your humor. Personally, my money is on Jesus as the maitre de.

Your very irreverent and serious too. I might have to subscribe.....

eashtov said...

Shalom All,

As the primary architect of Christianity, Paul was one of the great marketing geniuses (perhaps the greatest)of all time . Quite simply no Paul, no Christianity as we have come to know it.


Fraser said...

One of the most interesting things I read in Bruce Chilton's Rabbi Jesus was that in his studies of Torah there was no law against Jesus having sex with Mary Magdalene (as she is the most talked about potential partner). I thought that was a very important point as most christians would probably object to that kind of cavorting on some moral/ religious/legal basis. The Torah was the paradigm he was operating out of. Also what does it say that Jesus is good for everything but sex? Where does that leave us and sex? Something grubby and inconvenient? That's how we all got here... including him one would have to posit.

Red Marks said...

I think the problem's Christian's have with Jesus having had a relationship with Mary Magdalene and being married is the fact that the church has made her out to be a prostitute for which there is no evidence of. This would make having sex with her a sin and since allot of Christians have such a problem with sex to begin with. Jesus was a man and as with any man sex is a biological prerogative and it would be foolish to believe he was so Holy that sex was beneath him.