Wednesday, November 23, 2011

Amish Terrorists: None of the Zippers, All of the Hate

One of things I am most thankful for this Thanksgiving is Amish Terrorists. Yes, you heard me right: Amish terrorists.

Breakaway Amish leader Sam Mullet allegedly sanctioned a band of his Amish brethern to engage in a series of attacks on other Amish: cutting the beards of men and the hair of women as a warning to these Amish not to force their Amish ways on his Amish.

This is sad, no doubt about it, and yet I am thankful to Sam Mullet and his boys Johnny and Lester nonetheless. You see it is my contention that any religion can be corrupted for evil, and whenever I offer this idea someone always counterpunches with the Amish: the Amish always forgive; the Amish avoid the evils of postmodern society by eschewing the technology that makes it possible; the Amish are the exception that disproves my rule.

I wish it were so, but Mr. Mullet—bless his soul—has made my case airtight. If the Amish can be terrorists then anyone can be a terrorist. Which brings me to Herman Cain’s call for terrorist profiling by the TSA.

In the last GOP debate he said the TSA should focus on people who have a higher likelihood that others to be part of a terrorist cell. No doubt he had Muslims in mind, and prior to the gift of Mr. Mullet you might argue that Mr. Cain has a point.

After all if you had to choose between a Muslim man or an Amish man as your more likely terrorist you would choose…. Wait for it…. Yes! You can’t choose! True the Amish fellow couldn’t hide his bomb in a zippered bag in the back of his buggy, but there are plenty of buttoned bags that would do the trick just as well. And while it might be tough for an Amish terrorist to drive his buggy up to something like the World Trade Center, he could wreck havoc with Colonial Williamsburg. So we must beware of the Amish no less than the Muslim, and if we can’t trust the Amish we can’t trust anyone.

So thank you Mr. Mullet. You have restored my lack of faith in humanity. And for that I am most thankful. 

1 comment:

Grégoire said...

I have nothing constructive to contribute here, save gratitude for another funny, twisted article.

Happy Holidays!