Holy Spud

You know we are nearing the end times when God reveals the sign of the Cross in two (2) separate potatoes in the United States.

The first Holy Spud appeared to Dennis Bort of Brunswick, Ohio on Christmas Day. The second appeared six days later to Connie and Jim Gross of Marion, Iowa. In both cases, when cut in half each half potato bore an unmistakable Holy Cross.

Now one cross bearing potato, even on Christmas Day, I can dismiss as a fluke. But two? No, something is going on here.

The last time a Cross this important appeared was in the fourth century. Constantinus Augustus was preparing to lead his warriors into battle against his archrival Maximian. The winner would become Emperor of Rome. On the eve of battle Constantine had a vision in which Jesus revealed to him the sign of the Cross saying, In Hoc Signo Vinces. Luckily Constantine took Latin in high school and knew that Jesus was saying, “In this Sign conquer.” And conquer he did.

There is no data suggesting that the Cross seen by Constantine appeared inside a potato, but there is no evidence that it did not, so I choose to believe that it did. Indeed, I choose to believe that Jesus also said to Constantine, In SolanumTuberosum Apperiosus Signo, Returno Meos, which, according to the Hogwarts Dictionary of Faux Latin Phrases, means, “When this Sign appears in a potato, I will return.”

That my friends is conclusive.

To spread the world of Christ’s return, the Borts put their Holy Spud up for sale on eBay. The Grosses are considering similar action. This can only be good news to the believers in the Good News. But, as always, the Jews are a spoiler.

Last Rosh haShanah, Jim Gross’s mother, Miriam Flanken Gross, a Jew and a survivor of both the Holocaust and the Destruction of the Temple by Rome in 70 CE, cut an apple in half for the holy day and found the seeds forming a Star of David. Since every apple properly cut width wise reveals a Star of David she, as countless Jews have done before her, simply assumed that this affirms what we have known for millennia: that we Jews are God’s Chosen People, the Apple of His Never Slumbering Eye, and thought nothing more about it.

When her son told her about the Potato Cross she counted with the Apple Star, and the two have not spoken since.

Anyway, I tend to side with the Spudites, and will consider bidding for both potatoes on eBay. When the Prince of Peace does return to wreck havoc on earth I hope to bribe my way into heaven with a nice offering of fries. Being a person of little faith, however, I’m also keeping a bushel of apples on hand just in case.