Friday, December 09, 2005

Rapture Today

Right now I am sitting my sister’s home in Massachusetts watching as a blizzard dumps two feet of snow on her back porch. It isn’t even winter yet. So much for global warming.

I am not convinced that all the natural disasters our planet has suffered of late has anything to do with the liberal plot of global warming. I think it is all about the coming End Times. To check this out I went to the authority on End Times timing: The Rapture Index (

The Rapture is when God takes all the truly holy people up to heaven¸— naked! — leaving the rest of us to suffer terrifying natural disasters and a war with the Antichrist. Even if we survive these (notice how I include myself among the Left Behind, evidencing a deep humility which— God, are you reading this? — should get me off-planet before the rest of you losers suffer ungodly, well, no, quite godly tortures at the hand of, well, God.

Did I mention that those who are raptured get to go to heaven naked? Just another reason to make sure you diet and exercise religiously.

Anyway, the Rapture Index looks at 45 key signs and determines how close to the End we are. This morning the Index stood at 155. In 2002 the Index reached an all time high of 179, so we may not be in too much trouble; and while I cannot find the magic number that signifies the actual Rapture, I am told that anything in excess of 145 is considered “fasten your seatbelt time.”

Fastening your seatbelts is not only good advice; it is the law. I heard on the radio that one American city disguised police officers as roadside panhandlers. When these fake bums walk up to your car to ask for money they are really checking to see if you are wearing your seatbelt. If you are, I guess they just take your change; if you are not, they fine you big time.

Anyway, panhandlers are not a sign the Rapture Index takes seriously, so it doesn’t matter. Poverty doesn’t matter to the Rapture Index because you don’t need money to be saved, and when you go to heaven you go naked; did I mention that already?

I know I seem to be obsessed with this, and I am. I think the Rapture is Victoria’s secret: God only saves the beautiful people. Did you know that GQ actually stands for God Qualified?

I could be wrong about this. Maybe God wants us naked to weed out any uncircumcised men. While I qualify in this second category, I won’t make the cut if the first counts even a little.

In either case it is just another example of the elitism that I find so offensive in religion. I don’t believe in a God Who welcomes only those who fit some narrow definition of OK. I don’t believe in a God Who condemns the vast majority of humanity to eternal damnation. I don’t believe— whoa, I just noticed that Index is up a point. Snowstorm or no snowstorm I’ve got to get to the gym. Fasten your seatbelts!

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