Friday, December 30, 2005

Phil for President

This morning I breakfasted at Waffle House and sat at the counter next to Phil. Phil was talking with Catrina, a Waffle House waitress, about the fact that the US government is sending millions of dollars to Mexico to stem the tide of illegals coming into this country, and how they are using the money to fund drug smuggling instead.

“It’s Bush’s fault,” Phil told Cartina. “If he weren’t so obsessed with Eye-rak he’d realize the real threat is from Meh-hee-ko,” (Phil sounded like Dale Gribble on King of the Hill).

“Yeah Buddy,” Catrina said.

“Damn straight,” Phil said. “You know what I’d do if I was president? I’d pull our troops in Eye-rak back to the Kurds where they love us and let them Mooslems just fight it out amongst themselves. Then I’d send ‘em back in to pick up the pieces. It wouldn’t take that many, and I’d move the rest to the border with Meh-hee-ko.”

“Why don’t you run, Hun?” Catrina said.

“I could to,” Phil said. “Do better ‘n those bastards in Washington. I could come up with a 10-point plan like ol’ Newt did and win the whole country.”

“Five-points is better,” Catrina said. “We can remember five, Hun, but ten is too many.”

“OK, five, then. Let’s see. First, war on terrorism. Well, it ain’t a war on terrorism it’s a war on global Islamo-Fascism. This is a big war that is going to cost losts of lives and run for a long long time. I’d be honest with the people about this.

“Second, I’d institute a draft. Can’t call it that, a-course. Service America I’d call it. Every kid, boy and girl, serves for three years from 18 to 21. They can go into the military, or work as teacher’s aides, or some such thing. Get rid of racism and classism with Service America. They’d earn college tuition for their service plus basic pay.

“Third, education. Forget prayer in school and Intelligent Design in science class. There are certain things a kid’s got to know to be a good and productive American: reading, writing, math, civics, personal economics, basic biology and health, computers, maybe some other stuff. I’d put together a task force of teachers and business people to figure it out. You want your kid to become a Christian in school then send him to a Christian school. Public schools should be for raising Americans.”

“What about Ten Commandments?” Catrina said.

“Makes no sense to me the hoopla about that,” Phil said. “Only four of ‘em are real laws: don’t lie, don’t steal, don’t adulterate, don’t covet. And the penalties for all four is death. Does that make sense? I say put something more practical on the wall.”

“And abortion?” Catrina said, “You can’t run without talkin’ about abortion.”

“I would. I would say that this is between a woman and her family and her doctor and her God, and not her president. I don’t think the government should stick its nose in other people’s private lives. Goes for gays too. Leave ‘em alone.”

“Let ‘em marry?” Catrina said.

“Come on, Catrina, you are takin’ me off track. Here: the government should stop marryin’ people altogether. Got nothing to do with the government. Protect the powerless from being exploited and that is that.

“OK, back to my points. What’s next? Oh yeah, number four, Social Security and taxes. Social Security was supposed to be a safety net for the poor. I’d set it up so that anybody makin’ over $50 thousand wouldn’t get Social Security, though everybody would have to put into it. And the amount you get would only bring you up to $50,000 a year. If you can’t live on that you’re a fool. And I’d do a flat tax. Ten percent and no loopholes. The government would have to live with that. Balanced budget and reduce the debt by freezing and then cutting spending.

“Last thing, OK, health care. Simple, offer the rest of the country what senators get in Washington. That’s it. That’s my platform. What do ya think?”

“I’m sorry, Hun,” Catrina said. “I missed most of the last part; the guy in corner there said his coffee was cold. But I’m sure it was good stuff. I’d vote for ya, Hun.”

Actually, Catrina, so would I.

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