Sunday, October 27, 2013

Wandering

[It is still hours before dawn breaks over the Land of the Rising Sun. I am sharing this dream with you because writing is how I process and publishing is how I let go of what I process.]

Yesterday I participated in Shinnyo-en Buddhist meditation, having my inner world mirrored back to me through the words of another. My mirror was Rev. Minoru Shitara, Director of International Relations for Shinnyo–en. This is what I was told: “You are wandering and worrying that your wondering is without purpose. You cannot see where you are going or why, or whether or not it matters. Release the worrying, there is no knowing for you, only wandering. Trust the wandering.”

Yes, I am wandering and I have no firm sense of direction, and I do worry about this. This is true physically as well as spiritually. I have difficulty distinguishing “right” from “left,” and am easily lost and spatially disoriented. Nevertheless I did not like what I heard. Sadly, I could not “unhear” it.

Moments ago I awoke from a dream. I’m walking a rope bridge strung over a vast chasm. I can’t see where I’d come from or where I’m going. There is no sense of going back or going forward, only walking on. My dream self recalled the story of Abraham leaving all he knew and walking (physically and spiritually, outwardly and inwardly) into the not–known, and said, “But at least Abraham had the promise of arriving and there of becoming a blessing to all the families of the earth, whereas I have no such promise and no such hope. Please show me more.”

I watched as the dreamscape expanded and I could see a wider view. The rope bridge grew longer and the walker grew smaller, but still no beginning or end came into view. I again asked for more, and again the bridge grew longer and the walker even smaller, and still no beginning or end. Again and again I asked for the view to widen, and finally I say this: at the one end of the bridge birthing and dying, and at the other dying and birthing. And the now almost invisible dreamer walked on. With this I awoke.

Over these past few days among these amazing teachers from so many paths and countries I have been reminded of my wandering. I am like the ancient Judeans who would pack a sack of sand from the Promised Land when travelling abroad so that their god could recognize them. I carry a sack of Jewish sand as I wander physically, psychologically, and spiritually far beyond the borders of my home not so that god will recognize me, but to recognize myself and in this way honor my tribe and my ancestors and my heritage. And yet, as I admitted without hesitation but a few hours ago, I am a hasid of Jesus, indeed I am a lover of the Beloved in all Her forms and hasid of all her saints and prophets, and I am a “victim” of the formless nondual whose love is all consuming and self erasing.


I didn’t choose this “path” I simply find myself on it. Decades ago Reb Zalman told me this would be my way, but I neither believed him nor understood his meaning. Now there is no talk of believing or understanding, just walking on over this chasm from nowhere to nowhere. “No wonder you don’t take students!” a teacher told me recently. Perhaps so.

13 comments:

Erick Reynolds said...

This is a world that strives to encourage people to find a direction, seek a path, and set your goals. It is reasonable to me that one such as yourself who has focused on exploring the infinite, unknowable, unnamable Truth would be confronted with this social conundrum. What you seek has no direction, single path or end goal to achieve. This is what makes infinity inconceivable to the finite.
It reminds me of the Indiana Jones scene where he must step off the ledge onto an invisible bridge that the camera then makes visible to the audience. Except in your case, the “bridge” may never become visible. With each step, that is a courageous voyage you are on and I enjoy that you are willing to share it. It reveals one of the infinite paths I am not on, but gives my path context.

Dick Amos said...

Do we really need to see where we are going? A rolling stone gathers no moss as it rolls through the grain and current of the path it is on. I remember your visit to our Temple and I think of Job and his search for his destiny as his three friends seek to convince him that troubles in life come from within. I am 85 years of age and still find myself a travelling companion on your bridge over a chasm. Perhaps it is nice to know that I am not alone. Thank you for sharing.

andrea perez said...

I'm sitting watching the feral cats in my backyard drink some milk I just gave them. First one came and within minutes there were 4. All of them seem so alone until they stop and just take a moment to share. Everyone is always wandering and wondering where they are going or what the meaning of their life is. Sometimes, when it gets too serious, a person just needs to sit and wait to see who will join them. You have a lot of people who will just sit and join you. I hope you all have some time for a bowl of ice cream.

andrea perez said...

I'm sitting watching the feral cats in my backyard drink some milk I just gave them. First one came and within minutes there were 4. All of them seem so alone until they stop and just take a moment to share. Everyone is always wandering and wondering where they are going or what the meaning of their life is. Sometimes, when it gets too serious, a person just needs to sit and wait to see who will join them. You have a lot of people who will just sit and join you. I hope you all have some time for a bowl of ice cream.

migali said...

You may not seek students but students seek you while you are on your path. When you pass them, they learn from you. -I am happy with this arraignment.

migali said...

You may not seek students but students seek you while you are on your path. When you pass them, they learn from you. -I am happy with this arraignment.

Holly Barrett, PhD said...

Love this. Thank you. And thanks to commenter Dick Amos for letting me know he still wanders at 85. Both of you are heartening.

Mordechai Ben Nathan said...

"No wonder you do not take students"

And what on earth would you teach if you did take students?

SoDakSunshine said...

@Mordechai Ben Nathan: I came from a VERY Conservative Christian background where questioning the Bible and rituals were not allowed. But my mind could see the gaping holes in that belief system.
In addition to helping me to understand who/what God is, even as I have been a hair away from atheism, Rabbi Rami's blog and my attending one of his sessions has helped me hang on to at least a crumb of faith. His explanations of Jewish culture and especially religion, has helped me understand those gaping holes in Christianity.
Just because one cannot explain that wandering and wondering that we all do, does not mean there is nothing else that can be taught.

None of us can explain much, but I guarantee you, Rabbi Rami does have a phenomenal impact on people who are willing to tackle the major issues we know of in religion today. I for one am very thankful for his ministry.

Lyn Baker said...

Well, this reminds me of you Rabbi...

"All that is gold does not glitter,
Not all those who wander are lost;
The old that is strong does not wither,
Deep roots are not reached by the frost.
From the ashes a fire shall be woken,
A light from the shadows shall spring;
Renewed shall be blade that was broken,
The crownless again shall be king." JRR Tolkien.

Mordechai Ben Nathan said...

@sodaksunshine

I did not say Shapiro had nothing to teach. It was a question: "What on earth would you teach?" All men and women have something to teach. I have learned from ignorant and illiterate individuals who do not pontificate and posture. Since Shapiro is a great fan of the Tao Te Ching, I would point to the verse" "He who knows does not speak; He who speaks does not know." Frankly I have learned more about trust, love, and kindness from my mentally challenged dog WILLIE than most any person I have ever met whose affected human traits are fueled by delusion, attachment, and anger. The Book of Proverbs exorts us to learn from the ant who works diligently. Jesus tells us to learn from the birds. My teacher is nature, not man and the inner intuitive voice that communes with the infinite. As Dylan wrote: "Don't follow leaders; watch your parking meters."

SoDakSunshine said...

@Mordechai Ben Nathan
In my case, it is very difficult to differentiate that "inner intuitive voice that communes with the infinite" from the inner noise of the oppressing theology I was fed from the first day of Sunday school at age 4.

Had I been able to hear the "inner intuitive voice that communes with the infinite" more over the years, my life would have been much different. It has taken me nearly 55 yesrs to figure out which voice I am hearing.

Fraser said...

Maybe trust is what you are teaching. The Exodus followed a pillar of fire into the desert with no idea of where they might end up really. Trust was the issue perhaps as those who complained and wanted to go backwards were not fit to enter the new paradigm. They needed to trust the journey. That was all Jesus gave people who wanted to know where death was taking them... "trust me and the father". Radical openness and trust are the skills for moving into an unknown paradigm which is where I think we are going.Lets face it this one has done it's dash.
Better sharpen up anyway as I'm one of your unsought after students... ha ha!!