I want to give a mighty Mazal Tov to humanity as we officially cross an amazing environmental milestone. As of May 9th the average daily level of CO2 in the atmosphere reached 400 parts per million. Remember Bill McKibben and his 350.org? Well we beat his number by 50! Take that, Bill: according to climate scientists this makes climate change “largely irreversible,” and renders 350.org largely irrelevant.
What do we learn from this? Never name your organization after a number.
Now that climate change is largely irreversible we can stop worrying about it. Temperatures will rise about 7 degrees Fahrenheit, sea levels will climb about 16 feet, and ice sheets will be rare, but who cares? I’ll just crank up my air conditioner, enjoy my new ocean front property here in Middle Tennessee, and make all the ice I need in my refrigerator.
My real concern is how I can profit from the coming changes. Here’s one idea: As dry land goes the way of Atlantis, burial plots will be at a premium, so I’m investing in mountaintop burial. I’m planning to negotiate with West Virginia mining companies to use the flattened tops of mountains as burial grounds once the miners have blown them to bits and extracted all the coal. Nothing can live on these decimated mountaintops, so they’re perfect for the dead. But that’s not all.
The earth hasn’t seen this level of CO2 since the Miocene period some 10 million years ago. According to Wikipedia whales did well during the Miocene period, so we can expect the same this time around. With more sea and more whales we can expect more whale watching adventures. I plan to offer people whale watching cruises that include a visit their parent’s mountaintop graves.
I’m looking for investors. If you’re interested, please let me know.