Sunday, May 12, 2013

Take that, 350.org!


I want to give a mighty Mazal Tov to humanity as we officially cross an amazing environmental milestone. As of May 9th the average daily level of CO2 in the atmosphere reached 400 parts per million. Remember Bill McKibben and his 350.org? Well we beat his number by 50! Take that, Bill: according to climate scientists this makes climate change “largely irreversible,” and renders 350.org largely irrelevant.

What do we learn from this? Never name your organization after a number.

Now that climate change is largely irreversible we can stop worrying about it. Temperatures will rise about 7 degrees Fahrenheit, sea levels will climb about 16 feet, and ice sheets will be rare, but who cares? I’ll just crank up my air conditioner, enjoy my new ocean front property here in Middle Tennessee, and make all the ice I need in my refrigerator.  

My real concern is how I can profit from the coming changes. Here’s one idea: As dry land goes the way of Atlantis, burial plots will be at a premium, so I’m investing in mountaintop burial. I’m planning to negotiate with West Virginia mining companies to use the flattened tops of mountains as burial grounds once the miners have blown them to bits and extracted all the coal. Nothing can live on these decimated mountaintops, so they’re perfect for the dead. But that’s not all.

The earth hasn’t seen this level of CO2 since the Miocene period some 10 million years ago. According to Wikipedia whales did well during the Miocene period, so we can expect the same this time around.  With more sea and more whales we can expect more whale watching adventures. I plan to offer people whale watching cruises that include a visit their parent’s mountaintop graves.
I’m looking for investors. If you’re interested, please let me know.

5 comments:

Dean Hall said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Dean Hall said...

I simply cannot wait until Doomsday Christians start “interpreting” their way through the Bible to find “evidence” proving that Jesus’ return will be based not on a calendar date, but on a specific level of CO2 in the earth’s atmosphere measured in parts-per-million. This should take too much doing…yep, no, wait…I’ve already found it, and it’s completely clear to me now: Jesus will be back when the C02 level hits 416 ppm. Don’t believe me? Just look right here in 1 Thessalonians 4:16.

“For the Lord himself, with a cry of command, with the archangel’s call and with the sound of God’s trumpet, will descend from heaven, and the dead in Christ will rise first. 17 Then we who are alive, who are left, will be caught up in the clouds together with them to meet the Lord in the air; and so we will be with the Lord forever.”

See? It says right there as clear as day…416. The numbers don't lie. And don’t think the word “air” is inconsequential in that verse either. This is clearly a sign from Jesus. Mayan calendar my ass, this makes much more sense. Now I’m thinking I should convert, or at least think about it when the level gets up into the 400 teens.

It looks as if the Lord was right: this time He’ll destroy the earth by fire, or at least a fire-breathing SUV.

Makes sense.

Dean Hall said...

Sorry. Had to repost. Spell check autocorrected my Thessalonians to Theologians.

Rabbi Rami said...

This was great, Dean. What you should do is create 416.org and try and find 416 people who will raise 416 million dollars so you can build a bunker in which to live and survive the come apocalypse.

Erick Reynolds said...

Yes. The beauty of using a number (or a date) for a dooms day organization name is it provides a built in expiration. Then, when the deadline passes and nothing happens, you simply file for bankruptcy and pick a new number. Kind of like furniture outlets.