Friday, November 30, 2012

Be a Prepper


I know it may not be PC to say this, but I’m really not concerned about the United States falling off the fiscal cliff. Of course I don’t want my taxes to go up, and if push comes to shove I would rather push and shove some rich person (or some poor person for that matter) than pay more to the government, but none of this is going to happen. Why? Because the world is going to end on December 21, days before the fiscal Armageddon everyone is so worried about.

I’ve been checking in with the preppers, those folks preparing for the end–times to see just what it is I have to do in order to survive the end of the world. But the more I think about this the more convinced I am that I don’t want to survive.

Of course the mere fact that people are talking about surviving the end of the world suggests that the end of the world isn’t really the end of the world. If it were the end of the world there would be no sense in preparing for it. It would just end, and we would end with it. So the end of the world is really the end of the world as I know it. And the world that I know is the world I want to live in, and if that world is over, I really don’t want to stick around.

I wouldn’t last long anyway. I don’t like guns, I suck at archery, and the thought of sticking a knife in an animal or a neighbor makes me sick. So I’d starve. And if I didn’t starve what would I do?

Outside of stringing words together, I have no marketable skills. From what I can tell few preppers are among my readers, so my place and purpose in life are over. Surviving for surviving’s sake just doesn’t speak to me. Even the contestants on Survivor are surviving for the money. If the producers of the show took the money out of it and simply suggested the people survive just to survive, they’d all get in their RVs and drive home.

So as you recover from Black Friday bruising and worry about how you are going to pay for all those things you bought on Cyber Monday, relax. The bills will never arrive. The money will never come due. So, if you plan to survive, get out there and shop more. Buy like the bills will never come do, because they won’t. Just don’t by anything electronic ‘cause electricity isn’t going to survive.

PS: If you do plan to survive, run out and buy the Milton Bradley game Operation. It will help prepare you for healthcare in post–apocalypse America.

5 comments:

Dean Hall said...

Dang it! I can't believe the world is coming to an end again. I forgot all about December 21st, 2012 until two paragraphs ago. Now I feel compelled to do something about it like set up a Google alert or maybe download a Rush album. Then again, after reading your post, I should reread The Story of the Migonette and start sizing up my neighbors.

Erick Reynolds said...

The ironic thing about predicting the end of the world is... eventually someone will right, but nobody will be around to praise the accuracy of the prediction. So, keep buying those lottery tickets.

Geoffrey Arnold said...

"Aside from stinging some words together..." has a nice byte to it.

GL Arnold (a fan)

Erick Reynolds said...

I think there is money to be made in establishing an ETW society that predicts the end of the world at regular intervals. Then it organizes an ETW Eve celebration balls, sells farewell sentiment cards, promote lotteries for final wishes, and afterwards hold a news conference explaining the error in the calculation and the revised schedule for the next ETW Eve celebration. A regular annual event may be too unbelievable. So, a random date generator should probably used to add a touch of “intelligent design” truthfulness in order to sell the mythology behind the rationale. With increased fear and/or fatalism, whole new growth industry is born.

Erick Reynolds said...

Of course, for the above to work, the organizing-investor members would have to be a completely different group from the client-customer group. No compatibility whatsoever.