Wednesday, June 08, 2011

The Other Weiner Story, or, I Left My Heart in San Francisco, but My Foreskin Stayed with Me

A San Francisco initiative to outlaw circumcision for both girls and boys makes being Jewish in the city all the more challenging. I mean how can a Jew be a Jew without serving up one's penis to God? Yes, there seems to be the obvious exemption of fore skinning for girls, but women are exempted from many of the cooler aspects of traditional Jewish life like praying three times a day, wearing tefillin, and testifying in court?

You might think there will be a religious exemption to the San Francisco law based on the First Amendment, but this isn't always reliable. For example the government outlawed polygamy, and in 1944 the Supreme Court ruled that parents could martyr themselves on religious grounds but could not martyr their children as well.

If the intactivists (I didn't make that up) have their way, the Jews of Frisco will have to circumcise in secret or slip out of the city to have our penises whacked.

As always challenges such as these give rise to entrepreneurial ventures. I am exploring building a fleet of medical vans especially outfitted for ritual circumcisions. Called Cut 'n Run, these vans will whisk a Jewish family outside the San Francisco city limits where the van will park while the ritual circumcision is performed. The van will then return the family home where a catered meal and invited guests are awaiting them.

Of course the city will add Penis Patrols to their police departments to try and prevent my vans from making it out of the city, but I plan to paint cute dogs on the sides of my vans so that they look like dog grooming and exercise trucks, something no self respecting San Franciscan could oppose.

1 comment:

Uri H said...

It would seem to me that you are mistaken on your take of the San Fransisco Brit mila ban on two fronts, first the jewish one, in witch you seem to be making fun of the torah and it's commandments, g-d everlasting covenant with Abraham to have all of the boys of Israel circumcised on the 8th day, in fact the rabbi's of the talmud go so far as to say that anyone that is not circumcised is not part of nation of Isreal. The second front is the notion that it is infringing on religious liberty in the USA witch states that anyone can practice there religion openly and with out prejudiced. I would hope that this blog post was written satirically , in a way that you are opposed to this clear and open disregard for Jewish history and religious freedom, but if not you views are simply wrong when it comes to this issue. You can disagree, but it is wrong to make fun of someone because of what they believe is the truth.