Lama Lo

I believe, for no reason whatsoever, that I am the 24th incarnation of the Tibetan monk, Lama Lo. Since I have no proof of this, and therefor cannot make any money writing books or giving teachings as Lama Lo, I have written His Holiness the Dalai Lama asking that he recognize me as Lama Lo.

Lama Lo, also known as the Doatyng Lama was the founder of Hodayaknothat, a school within the Dalai Lama’s school of Nyingma Buddhism. I have heard nothing from His Holiness regarding my request for recognition. I am sure he is busy, but I am getting older and have seen many people my age pass away in the past few years, so I am afraid I am running out of time to cash in on my incarnation. So I have decided to improve my chances for recognition by appealing to the Communist Chinese for authorization.

The Chinese have sought to take control of the reincarnation of lamas to insure that future Living Buddhas are pro-Communist and will teach a modified version of the Four Noble Truths: Suffering, The Cause of Suffering, The Ending of Suffering, and the Eightfold Path to the Ending of Suffering by Pirating DVDs and Selling Substandard Products to Americans.

Traditionally toddlers competing for reincarnated lama status are shown a bunch of items that belonged to the lama in a previous life. Many of these items were lost on airline flights and were only returned to the lama by the airline after the lama has died. So the toddler is asked to identify lots of luggage.

If the toddler recognizes the deceased lama’s luggage or other items it is assumed that he is the reincarnation of that lama. The Chinese add an item to the mix to insure they get the lama they want. In addition to picking out the deceased lama’s suitcase, the toddler must also pick a copy of Chairman Mao’s Little Red Book hidden inside a plush stuffed Chinese dragon. If the toddler takes the dragon as well as the suitcase he is the lama the Chinese are looking for. The chosen lama is allowed to keep the luggage but not the dragon for fear that the toddler will choke on the dragon’s eyes or be poisoned by the lead in the paint used to decorate the dragon’s body.

I have assured the Chinese that I will choose the dragon, though I did admit that I have trouble recognizing the luggage I have bought in this life let alone a previous one. In addition I have explained to them that I am Jewish in this incarnation and that Jewish people have a fetish for Chinese food and Mahjong so they can rest assured that I will lead my followers to appreciate Chinese culture despite the brutality perpetrated on the Tibetans by the Chinese.

The Chinese government, too, has seen fit to ignore my plea for recognition as Lama Lo. A waitress at a local Tibetan restaurant said she would recognize me, but only in exchange for endorsing her restaurant as “Best in the Bardo.”

This, of course, gave me a great idea: a restaurant guide for the afterlife. I plan to sell it on itunes. Yes, there’s an app for that! Lama lo?*

*Lama lo is Hebrew for “why not,” but the coincidence is purely karmic.