Stress? What Stress?

As much as I despise junk religion, I hate junk science. The October 24th issue of THE WEEK talks about “scientists in Texas and Illinois” who found that in times of stress, when people feel life is out of their control, they through common sense out the window and succumb to magical thinking and conspiracy theories. This is nonsense.

First of all, who are these so-called scientists, and why don’t they want their names printed in the magazine? If I conducted some legitimate study and a national news magazine wanted to report on it, I would want my name printed in full. I would want to get credit for a good job. I would want people to know not only about the study but also about me. Otherwise how would Oprah know whom to call to get to come on her show to discuss this study?

But if I were a bogus scientist running a bogus study simply to keep my grant money coming in when that money could be better spent on new clothes for Sarah Palin (or, better yet Joe the Plummer) I wouldn’t want anyone to know my name. So right away I think we can be pretty certain that these “scientists” are grifters.

Second of all, “Taxes” is a “word jumble” for “Texas” and “Illinois” is made up of two words, “ill” and “nois”. Now “ill” is about being sick, which is what raising our taxes is going to do to us, and “nois” is either “noise” misspelled suggesting that if pundits and scientists make enough noise we won’t realize how ill our taxes are making us, or it is French which is just as bad.

Third of all, I don’t have to be paranoid to know that the government is bailing out its cronies, and making it possible for them to build their secret island base to which they will all escape when the world goes mad so that they can avoid the great destruction that is coming. I even read somewhere that there are scientists working on disconnecting the island of Manhattan so that it will float out beyond the limits of US territorial waters and then it will declare itself an independent country. Which is part of a larger plan to do the same with Alaska as soon as Sarah Palin is elected Vice President. I learned from very reputable sources who shall remain unnamed that she plans to set off a series of nuclear blasts that will set Alaska free and that her husband and his Alaska Free party will declare itself to be an independent nation.

But I’m not worried. Nosiree. I’m building a perpetual knock on wood device that will start banging up a storm and keep me and mine safe and sound. It runs on a spring like a watch so I don’t need any gas or electricity to power it so I’ll be safe even when the energy is rationed in a way that makes Baghdad look like an electrical paradise. And I’m stocking up on taco chips and looking through them to find the Face of Jesus, and I am bribing a worker at our local Papa John’s to save any pizzas that have the Faces of any Gods or Goddesses on them and sell them to me exclusively.

So don’t you fret about magical thinking and conspiracy theories. Just make sure you don’t step on any cracks, and cover your house with tin foil to keep it safe from the black helicopters bound your way.

Stress? What stress?