I Won! And So Can You!

I don’t know if I should share this news or not, but I am so exited I can’t help myself. As many of you may know I don’t have a regular job, but cobble together different gigs in order to bring in a few dollars above the official poverty line. I’m not complaining, but, to be honest, with rising gas and food prices and inflation, it is getting more and more difficult to make ends meet. And the less discretionary money you have, the harder it is for me to find gigs.

But that worry is over. Forever. Three days ago, on May 20th, I won—WON!—the British Lottery. How much did I win? £1,500,000. That is $2,965,350!!! This is no joke. I got the ticket number, the serial number, and the address to send my Social Security Number, Passport Number, and $5000 to cover processing fees.

And there’s the rub. I don’t have $5000. And the deadline for sending in the money is too soon for me to earn it. So I am going to make my readers an offer. And, again to be honest, because I am nothing if not honest, it is killing me to make this offer. I want this money, all of it. But I can’t get any of it if I can’t raise the $5000, so here is the offer.

For everyone who sends me money toward this $5000 I will send them, once the $2,965,350 is deposited in my account, ten times what you send me. TEN TIMES! You send me one dollar, I’ll send you (once the $2,965,350 is deposited in my account) ten dollars. You send me one hundred dollars, I’ll send you (once the $2,965,350 is deposited in my account) one thousand dollars. You send me one thousand dollars, I’ll send you (once the $2,965,350 is deposited in my account) ten thousand dollars. You send me five hundred dollars, I’ll send you (once the $2,965,350 is deposited in my account) five thousand dollars. And, if you send me the entire $5000, I’ll send you (once the $2,965,350 is deposited in my account) fifty thousand dollars. Yes, FIFTY THOUSAND DOLLARS. You cannot make this kind of return on an investment anywhere else.

So I have a two–week window to take in the $5000. Now I know what you are thinking, what if I send him $5000 and someone else sends him $5000 how will he know whom to choose? I thought of that also, and I’m going to be as fair as I can. I will take in as much as comes in (up to $296,535) and still make the ten to one return once the $2,965,350 is deposited in my account. I realize that is a huge sacrifice on my part, but this way I won’t have to have you all competing. Everybody wins.

Now I know what you are thinking after you were thinking the other thing: What if something goes wrong and he never gets the $2,965,350? Well, I can’t see how that could happen. After all it is the British Lottery, British government we are talking about, not some bogus Nigerian princess who has inherited a paltry $500,000. These people backed us in Iraq, they won’t screw us in the lottery. But, on the off chance that they do, all your money is forfeit.

So, what do you say? Do you want to be rich? I thought so! So send me the money now!