Relics "R" Me

Did you know you can buy Christian relics on eBay? No kidding. You can buy strands of hair from Saint Therese of Lisieux, and bone fragments of Saint Philomena, the 13-year old who was martyred for refusing to marry the Roman Emperor Diocletian. You can even bid on slivers from the Cross and thorns from the Crown.

I admit I was tempted to bid on the latter, but then it hit me that the real money isn’t in buying relics, but selling them. After all the bidding on a saints hair starts at just under fifty bucks, so there really isn’t that much return on one’s investment even if you plucked the hair from Saint Therese yourself. So I’m going to buy one of those books on how to make a million on eBay and start my own relic business.

First off I’m selling chips from the Urim and Thummim, the oracle jewels worn by Aaron the High Priest. Then I’ve got slivers of the original Ten Commandments, the one’s Moses broke in his anger over the people and their worship of the Golden Calf. The big pieces Moses picked up himself, but the little ones he left in the desert for us collectors. And speaking of the Golden Calf I’ve got gold flakes from that as well. And salt that was once the body of Lot’s wife. Salt from different body parts of Mrs. Lot will sell for different prices. I’ve got lots of salt. It’s kosher salt, too: what a miracle!

Most of my relics will sell for well under $50, but I intend to make up in volume what I lose in price. But I will have a few rare items as well. I actually have the actual tunic that Potiphor’s wife ripped off the actual body of Joseph the Hebrew stud muffin (her words, not mine) that worked for her husband. And if hair is your thing, I have almost the entire head of Samson’s hair, both the strands cut off by Delilah and the ones God grew back. I’m not claiming that these strands will give you Samson’s strength, because I can’t afford the FDA screening process, but you never know.

And then there are the few flakes of skin from Miriam’s arm after God gave her leprosy as punishment for dissing her little brother Moses. These I will sell encased in Plexiglas so as to avoid any contamination.

But I think my most treasured relic is the foreskin of Moses’ son Gershom that his wife Zipporah cut off when God was about to kill Moses for neglecting the rite of circumcision. The bidding for this will start quite high I’m sure.

Of course there are skeptics who claim I am manufacturing these relics myself, but that is foolish. How do you manufacture a foreskin? And how to do manufacture shards from the original Tablets? Or salt body parts of Lot’s wife? God made these, so there is no way to fake them.

And anyway, the power of the relic is in the faith of the believer. Which is why the motto for my eBay store will be, “If you’ve got the faith, I’ve got the relic.”