Mitt's Secret

I am anticipating Governor Mitt Romney’s speech on religion this morning. I am disappointed that he has to give this speech. In a Republican field where not believing in evolution is a good thing, the fact that Governor Romney is a Mormon shouldn’t be such a big deal. Yet, disappointed or not, I am hopeful that he will reveal the one thing that I want to know about Mormonism: What’s up with the underwear?

I know that some people are concerned that Mormons believe God has a body made of flesh and bone. And that some Mormons believe God has a wife. And that if we are really really good we might evolve into gods with our own planets to muck around with. But these are no more weird than the ideas of any other religion. Governor Mike Huckabee believes that Jesus wants us all to carry concealed weapons so we can shoot the bad guys when we need to. That’s seems weird to me. But I thing Mike wears regular underwear, and that has got to count for something.

Anyway, back to Mitt’s unmentionables. All I know about the Mormon garment is that it represents the promises Mormons make to God. I have no idea if it is a shift, a shirt, a bikini brief, boxers or what. Come on, Mitt, clue us in.

I also know that Mormons are supposed to wear the garment next to their skin, which is why many Mormons wear it instead of secular underwear, but I have no idea what it is make of. Is it cotton, silk, wool, or what? I knew a Mormon named Glenn once and he had this odd scratching habit, so maybe it is wool.

Mormons aren’t the only ones with holy underwear, by the way. I used to wear a tallit katan, a small poncho-like thing that had the sacred fringes Jewish men are supposed to wear attached to the corners. And I knew a Baptist named Rachel who had underwear with “What would Jesus do” strategically printed on the front. (I met Rachel at a Laundromat and saw them in her cart. Get your mind out of the gutter!)

I tried to find out more about Mormon underwear. On one Mormon website they post the question, “Where do Mormon garments come from?” I assumed the answer would give me some history about the sacred underwear. Unfortunately the answer was “Garments are made at LDS church clothing centers.” Oh. Is it any wonder that people think Mormons are secretive about their faith?

The fact is I’m not voting for Governor Romney anyway, so I should care what kind of underwear he wears. So let’s hope he talks about something else this morning.