A Conversation With God

Just in case you thought Pat Robertson was somehow anti-Semitic in seeing Ariel Sharon’s stroke as divine punishment for the Prime Minister’s unilateral withdrawal from Gaza, a group of Orthodox Israeli rabbis have claimed the same thing in a letter to Acting Prime Minister Ehud Olmert, warning that Withdrawal From Territories May Be Hazardous To Your Health.

According to the letter, “All those who harm the Land of Israel declare war on God and his commands, and face the consequences.” Declaring war on God is no small thing, and perhaps nothing to laugh at, unless, of course, you are God. So I chose to speak to God about this. Here is the transcript of that conversation:

I said to Him, “Lord,” and He replied, “Here I am.”

And I said, “I have harmed Your Land.” And He replied, “Which land?”

And I said, “Your only Land.” And He replied, “All the earth is Mine.”

And I said, “The Land You love.” And He replied, “My love is boundless.”

And I said, “Israel.” And He replied, “Oh.”

And I said, “I have supported the creation of a Palestinian state in Judea and Samaria to prevent Israel from becoming overrun by Palestinian babies, for, lo, Palestinian women follow Hagar and are fruitful from their youth, while our women follow Sarah and bear children in older age.” And He replied, “Lo?”

And I said, “But now I worry that You will strike me down with clots.” And He replied, “Didn’t I do that already?”

And I said, “Yes, I had thought that a coincidence.” And He replied, “Think again.”

And I said, “Yet, I have survived. Is there such a thing as Double Jeopardy?” And He replied, “Ask Alex Trebeck.”

And I said, “Is it possible to declare war on You?” And He replied, “Is the Pope Catholic?”

And I said, “How can we who are so small declare war on the Infinite?” And He replied, “No, I mean it: Is the Pope Catholic? I forget.”

And I said, “Do you care that I am waging war on You?” And He replied, “The Eastern Church confuses Me, too, ‘cause Istanbul was Constantinople, now its Istanbul, not Constantinople— a long time gone— Every gal in Constantinople lives in Istanbul, not Constantinople, so if you’ve a date in Constantinople, she’ll be waiting in Istanbul, which may be why the Jews are so few, after all even old New York was once New Amsterdam. Why they changed it I can’t say, people just liked it better that way.”

I tried to get Him back on track, but He just didn’t seem to care. So I’m not going to worry about the rabbis’ warning. I hope Olmert doesn’t either.

(With thanks to They Might Be Giants)