Marx Was Right

According to the January issue of Christianity Today, a recent study entitled “The Church vs. the Mall: What Happens When Religion Faces Increased Secular Competition?” shows that church goers are more likely to abuse drugs and alcohol, and less likely to attend church when statewide “blue laws” are abolished.

Blue laws make it illegal to open your business on Sundays and have been around since the founding of the original 13 colonies. Blue laws were in effect when I was growing up in Massachusetts in the 50’s and 60’s, and were repealed only when business people made it clear that the state was loosing tax revenue to neighboring Connecticut which had abolished blue laws and was open for business on Sundays. While some argue that blue laws fell because they violated church and state and forced non-Christians to rest on Sundays (I remember that The Crown Supermarket, the Jewish grocery, was open on Sunday in my hometown of Springfield, MA), it was economics not the constitution that killed the beast.

What is interesting about the study is not that it shows that when church has to compete with shopping, shopping wins, but that when Christians don’t go to church they turn to drugs and alcohol instead. Not all Christians, of course, but enough to make the fact a primary point of the study. Marx was right: religion is the opiate of the masses, and, given the chance, they prefer the real thing.

How to we get people back in the pews? If this study is any guide we have two choices. First, we could reinstitute blue laws and shut down all Sunday commerce except passing collection plates and church bingos. Just to be safe I would put people found not going to church in the stocks in public places. This too was popular in Massachusetts, though long before my time. If this sounds a bit harsh, churches could become more like malls, something many mega-churches are already doing. I would add bars and opium dens to the mix just to make sure all Christians feel called to come to church on Sunday.

If this works, and the aforementioned study suggests it will, mosques and synagogues might try the same thing. In Israel, of course, most Jewish businesses are forced to close on Saturday, which means that most Jews are shopping in Arab stores. I have only anecdotal evidence for this, but having recently returned from Israel, I did not get the sense that Jewish Israelis were flocking to synagogue. So maybe a bit of booze and hash would help.

The main point of the study however makes it clear that for many people religious observance is attractive only if the alternative is watching paint dry. Unless of course you are drinking and drugging while watching, in which case watching paint dry may be preferable to attending church.

I feel bad for all the good clergy who are loosing out to their parishioner’s preference for booze and drugs. They are doing their best but without legal sanctions they just can’t win. Thank God.

Thomas Jeffersonbergmanski

Is America ready for a Jewish president? The question came up at the last Presidential election when Connecticut Senator Joe Lieberman was running, but it turns out to be a moot point. America has already had a Jewish president: Thomas Jefferson.

The New York Times reported last Wednesday (February 28, 2007) that “researchers studying Jefferson’s Y chromosome have found it belongs to a lineage that is rare in Europe but common in the Middle East, raising the possibility that the third president of the United States had a Jewish ancestor many generations ago.”

This explains a lot about the man. First his passion for books and writing, definitely a Jewish trait. Second, the purchase of Louisiana at far below retail prices. Third, his ambivalence towards slaves: hating it and participating in it at the same time. As an ancestor of Egyptian slaves, Jefferson would have a soft spot in his heart for the victims of American slavery. The fact that he had a black lover harkens back to Moses who married a black woman. Fourth, his founding of the Democratic Party, Jews are by and large liberals, and his invention of the “wall of separation between church and state,” who else but a Jew living in Christian American would come up with that idea? Fifth, his desire to build an American navy to take on the Arab pirates of the Barbary Coast who were capturing our ships and killing or enslaving our sailors. And finally his editing of the Gospels that recast Jesus as a Jewish prophet rather than a miracle working Son of God. So now we know.

I for one am pleased that Jefferson’s Jewish heritage is out in the open. I have always been a fan of his and resented the Unitarians for claiming him as one of their own. Of course lots of Jews belong to the Unitarian Church, so I have no problem with joint Unitarian and Jewish ownership of TJ.

I suggest is that we Jews really play up the Jewish Jefferson. We could make Jefferson’s yahrzeit (the anniversary of this death) a holiday: Yom Tom. We would read the Declaration of Independence and selections from his Gospel, and make a pilgrimage to the Jefferson Memorial in Washington DC. The fact that he died on the Fourth of July makes taking the day off that much easier.

I can’t think of what kind of food would be appropriate for Yom Tom, but I do think it would a good time to raise money for the United Negro College Fund. Jefferson created one of the first universities in the country, and left behind black children who couldn’t attend them. This might be a fitting act of teshuvah and tzedakah (repentance and justice).

So now that America has had a Jewish and a Catholic president, are we ready for a Mormon?

Camp Coyote

Ever wonder what it is like to illegally cross into the US from Mexico? You read about the hardships these people are willing to endure to mow our lawns and kill our chickens, but print can’t come close the hellish nature of the crossing itself. Enter EcoAlberto Park.

Founded by the Hnahnu, an indigenous Mexican tribe whose numbers are shrinking as members make their way illegally into the United States, the park features a simulated border crossing experience. For $18 per person (versus thousands charged by real coyotes) you can spend five hours trekking through mud and evading US Border Patrol officers played by local actors.

While some critics complain that the park is a training ground for would-be illegal immigrants, the Hnahnu established the camp to convince their people not to risk the trip to America. If crossing the border seems romantic to you, you can check it out for yourself at minimal and see just how difficult and dangerous it really is. After five hours at the fake border you will think twice before tackling the real border.

It’s probably too soon to know if the park is slowing the number of Hnahnu leaving for the US, but the idea itself is worth pursuing in other venues.

How about a park that simulates the war in Iraq? I would make it a requirement that before you are allowed to vote for a war of choice lawmakers are required to go through battlefield simulation. Similarly, I would encourage parents to send their kids to the program before letting them or encouraging them to enlist. While I think it is noble to serve your country by enlisting in the military (I did it), I also think that doing so without the foggiest idea of what you are getting yourself into is nuts.

Here’s another idea: How about a month-long program living as one of the working poor? People could spend four weeks working three jobs just to max out their credit cards and slip deeper into debt. This program would have the added benefit of supplying employers with cheap labor while the Hnahnu finish up at their training camp.

A program that renders participants homeless and penniless for a week (my friend and teacher Bernie Glassman Roshi runs these in New York City) should be required of every official of every city in the US.

Or, how about a program that let’s you live as a gay man in openly homophobic parts of America. I can also imagine camps simulating the life of prostitutes, drug addicts, and homophobic gay clergy.

In fact I bet you could make a program for almost every kind of American there is, and find out in most if not all of them that their lives suck. Does anyone really think Donald Trump is happy? And, once we see that life is suffering, we can turn off Oprah (OK, she does seem happy), Dr. Phil, and Maury and stop whining about our lives and feeding off the misery of other’s lives.

I could say more about this, but the Hnahnu guy I’m hiring to mow my lawn just arrived.

Poetic License (Plates)

Standing in line to renew my car registration I couldn’t help notice the dozen or more license plate choices offered to me. For an additional fee I could replace the standard license plate with one that advertises my passion for an array of causes from save the bares to save the fetuses. While I waited for my turn to register my car, I began to think of other plates the state might offer motorists. Here are a few of my suggestions:

“Chose Death.” This plate would feature unlocked seatbelts in a circle with a slash through it. Money would go to support safe driving programs in high schools.

“Choose Hate.” This plate would feature a swastika (the Nazi version not the Hindu one), a Confederate Flag, and a Flaming Cross. Money would go to groups that promote anti-Semitism, racism, and homophobia.

“Choose Me.” This plate would have a clear plastic sleeve into which you can put a photograph of yourself. Funds would go to Narcissists of America.

“Choose Ignorance.” At the center of this plate is a large open book in a circle with a slash through it. This plate would support efforts to cut educational funding.

“Choose Peace” would feature a photo of Mahatma Gandhi. Money would go to peace education.

“Choose War” would compliment the Choose Peace plate and feature a mushroom cloud in the shape of a dollar sign. Funds raised from this plate would go to portable nuke research and development.

“Choose Sanity” with a genderless person sitting in meditation would be a good idea. Money would go to funding contemplative studies programs in local schools.

“Choose Something” would have no picture just text, and would support Americans In Support of Action. A balancing plate would read, “Choosing Nothing,” and would support the people who want to drop out of consumerist culture. Ironic, no?

“Choiceless,” featuring a portrait of J. Krishnamurti would be a hit with me. Money would support his foundation.

My final suggestion is an alternative to the standard Choose Life plate featuring a smiling baby. My design would feature a smiling young woman next to a blastocyst with the words YOU CHOOSE over them.

As always you are free to push any of these ideas in your state. And if you have ideas of your own please post them on the Blogger version of Toto.

HPV and Daughters of Faith

I have been listening to the fears many people of faith have over vaccinating their daughters against HPV, the sexually transmitted virus that can, in some forms, lead to for cervical cancer. The basic argument is that giving girls this vaccine will make them more inclined to engage in out of wedlock sex. While I don’t find this argument especially compelling, what is interesting to me is the unstated assumption these people are making about their daughters.

Parents of faith are not arguing against giving the vaccine to secular kids who are, given their lack of faith and morals, humping like rabbits. That at least would make sense, however immoral withholding the vaccine might be. Rather they are arguing against vaccinating their daughters of faith.

The unavoidable implication of the faith position is that if not for the fear of STD and cervical cancer, their daughters would engage in immoral sexual behavior much like their hedonistic classmates and neighbors.

Parents of faith just don’t trust their kids. I don’t blame them; when it comes to hormones versus holiness, my money is on hormones. That is probably why we have fear-based religion in the first place. Where it not for sex and death much of religion is simply cruel and unusual punishment.

Of course I would not insist a parent protect a daughter against cancer. If you wish to take the risk of martyring your daughter for your faith, it is your right to do so. But there may be an unexpected consequence of this decision.

It is wrong to think that girls of faith are caste until marriage. Look at the abortion rates in the religious red states and you cannot help but draw the conclusion that religious kids are learning about more than Easter from their beloved bunnies. As with homosexuality, sexual promiscuity among the faithful is just as prevalent as it is among the secular, it is just ignored. Ignoring HPV, however, could lead to the daughters of faith being unable to bear children, or even survive their childbearing years.

Without daughters to have babies, the numbers of religious Americans will decline while the numbers of vaccinated secularists will increase—something most people of faith would find disconcerting.

Hmm, maybe I should have kept quite.

Short Takes

Let’s Be Frank

The House of Representatives is slated to take up a proposal to offer honorary citizenship to Anne Frank. How ironic!

Letters from Anne’s father, Otto, show how desperate he was to get his family to America. He, and thousands of others, were denied entry into America due to a combination of fear of German-born refugees, and homegrown anti-Semitism. Granting her citizenship now is somehow obscene. And, given the state of education in this country I can foresee students reading her Diary will and believing that she didn’t die at all, but made it safely to Long Island.

If we really want to do something to honor Anne Frank, why not pass a bill in her name that brings Iraqi war refugees into the US in numbers commensurate with the violence we unleashed in that country?

Century 21…. BCE!

Rabbi Pruzansky brought hundreds of Jewish families from New York and New Jersey together to explore buying homes in Jewish settlements on the West Bank. This is like Custer selling housing to whites on Indian reservations. Rabbi Pruzansky obviously finds the illegality of West Bank settlements irrelevant. “Peace is an illusion already,” the rabbi said in the New York Times (Monday, February 26, 2007). “We’re fulfilling a biblical commandment, God commanded us to settle the land of Israel. This is a very natural step.” Toward what? Armageddon?

Americans who buy housing on the West Bank don’t have to move there. They can rent their new homes to Israelis. That way the owner can have the nachas (joy) of having a home in the Promised Land without having to worry about a rocket attack taking out their living room. This reminds me of rich northern draftees hiring people to take their place in the Union Army during the Civil War. If you’re going to buy a house in Palestine I think you should be required to live among the Palestinians. I assure you that if Rabbi Pruzansky made this a requirement he would have few takers.

Korean Komics

“The final obstacle to success is always a fortress called Jews.” Though it sounds like a fortune cookie proverb, it is actually a caption of a comic strip showing a man climbing a hill topped by a wall plastered with a Star of David. The strip appears in a South Korean educational text called “Distant Countries and Neighboring Countries” designed to teach children about foreign lands. Needless to say Jews are angry, some Koreans are embarrassed, and the author, Lee-Won Bok, a college professor, is clueless.

Is Talk Cheap

Is talk cheap? I don’t think so. In fact, talk, real talk—open unscripted dialogue among people willing to engage in deep silence as well as impassioned speech— is among the most costly things we can do. The real cost of real talk is our sense of ideological security, and without this we are thrust into an existential angst that most of us avoid.

This insight came to me as I sat in a meeting for a group I helped found in Nashville. The original intent of the group was to foster four weeks of dialogue around faith and politics from a liberal perspective. I had expected this to lead to some type of concrete action. What I discovered, however, was that the real action that is needed is more talk.

There are lots of action-oriented groups doing things, but no one has the time to really think through and talk through why they are doing them. And when we do talk, our talk is scripted, pre-digested, and boundaried by political correctness and ideological dogma. Everyone is required to tow the party line. This is not the kind of talk I crave.

In our search for an issue about which to take action, someone suggested immigration. The real topic was illegal immigration but saying so was politically incorrect. The assumption was that people of authentic (read liberal) faith would embrace the immigrant under the principle of “love thy neighbor” even if thy neighbor is occupying the house next door illegally. While I support treating all humans with respect, I do not think that respect necessarily translates into open borders.

Another member of our board suggested that the real issue underlying immigration is racism. Mexicans are brown and that says it all. Such thinking implies that only white Americans worry about illegal immigration, and that is patently false, yet to say so is to risk real dialogue and that is too costly. And besides, we were too eager to find something to do.

But what we really need to do was talk. We need to challenge our assumptions and assertions. We need to hear differing opinions. We need to learn how to dialogue with one another; how to listen and speak with open hearts and minds. We need to cultivate the courage to question our own opinions. We need community forums where we can hear speakers on different sides of an issue, and then break into small circles of inquiry to dig more deeply into what the truth might be. What I want are what I call “circles of inquiry” where people gather for unscripted talk arising from mutual silence and not-knowing. I want a topic placed before us with the assumption that we don’t know the truth of the matter and have to actually look together and investigate.

I had hoped that this is what yesterday’s meeting would lead to: the formation of an on-going forum where talk was dangerous and welcome. I don’t think that will happen with this group, but I still think it needs to happen.

Filming the Fringe

Nancy Pelosi’s daughter Alexandra’s documentary film, Friends of God, is airing all this month on HBO. The documentary highlights fringe elements of Evangelical Christianity, taking us into the world of Christian Wrestling, and showing a Christian miniature golf course where golfers putt through the empty tomb of Jesus. Needless to day, many Evangelicals are embarrassed and upset.

Coming as it does on the heals of Jesus Camp, Rachel Grady’s documentary on a Taliban-esque Pentecostal summer camp for 7-to-12 year olds in North Dakota, Evangelical Christians fear that viewers will see them as crazy people. The truth is they don’t need documentary filmmakers for that— there are enough weird televangelists to make many thinking people scratch their heads and ask, What Would Jesus Watch?

Evangelical Christians number between 50 and 80 million, and most of these people are normal, average Americans. But average is boring. The weird is what is worth studying.

If Pelosi and Grady claim that their films are normative, they are misleading their viewers and should be held accountable, but I didn’t get that sense at all. They are looking for the fringe elements of American Christianity, and they find it in abundance.

I sympathize with Evangelicals who cringe over these films. I feel the same when I see so-called kabbalists peddling bottled water guaranteed to bring immortality. But crazy Jews are out there, and they are far more interesting than the average Yid on the street.

The truth is I love religious nuts. They make religion interesting. I don’t care about the dozens of homophobic pastors, rabbis, priests, and imams who are straight. I want to know about the dozens of homophobic pastors, rabbis, priests, and imams who are gay. I don’t care about the decent, loving, and compassionate clergy. I want to know about the charismatic crazies who take the premises of their faith to the extreme.

I understand why people don’t like these kinds of movies, no one wants to look foolish in front of nonbelievers, but I think it is important that we see how insane religion can get. We need to be shocked by the power and madness of the fringes of faith.

Religion is not nice. It is not safe. It is not vanilla. Religion is raw, dangerous, and spicy as, well, spicy as hell. That’s why it has the capacity to transform people. If it turns them into saints, we applaud. If it turns them into apocalyptic madmen hoping to bring about the end of the world, we gasp in horror. And this is the way it should be. Religion is serious business, and needs to be scrutinized as carefully as any program that can lead to mass destruction whether it comes from a nuclear bomb or the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.

So watch these films and others like them. And watch those that depict religion in a positive light as well. Get to know both sides of religion. It may keep us humble. And that may be the true key to global salvation.

Here Come De Jesus

Jesus is back. He is a Florida preacher from Puerto Rico named Jose Luis de Jesus Miranda. Called De Jesus by his followers, he travels with three bodyguards. (Want to crucify Me again, you bastards? Bring it on!) De Jesus’ symbol is not the cross (Hey, why be reminded of the bad old days?) but a copy of the Presidential Seal of the United States that reads “Government of God on Earth.” In Spanish. Which really ticks me off.

I'm happy that Jesus has returned. I'm proud that He chose to do so in the United States. I have no problem with him being Hispanic as long as He is here legally. (Can you build a border fence between earth and heaven?) Even his message is fine with me: Christ merged with De Jesus in ’73, sin and Satan are no more, and everyone is predestined for heaven. But to make Jesus Spanish speaking is cruel to all of us who don’t speak Spanish. Especially me. I have trouble understanding Ricky on I Love Lucy reruns. There has to be a better way.

God starts out speaking Hebrew, not exactly the most wide spread language of its day. He thought to correct matters the next time around and opted for Aramaic. That was so dumb even His disciples switched to Greek as soon as they could. Admittedly choosing Spanish this time is smarter, but if You are going to come back as an American, God, why not do so as an English speaking American? After all everyone knows that the Bible wasn’t really HOLY until King James typed up a copy in his own English.

Something has to be done, and I am asking all English speaking people of faith to pray with me now, “Dear Father, Thou knowest it is in our hearts to love Thee, but Thou must makest English Thy Holy tongue lest we not understandeth Thee and stray from Thy ways. O Lord sendeth unto us speedily and verily in our day an English speaking Jesus that we may knowest that Thou art God who speaketh English above and English below. For Thine is the lingua and the franca. Amen.”

If we pray this daily and spread the word among our friends, coworkers, and nonSpanish speaking neighbors, we may at last get the Jesus we deserve so that the Horsemen of the Apocalypse not wreck havoc upon us crying, “Lucy, you have some splainin’ to do!”

Tough Questions

I am no expert on world affairs, but there are things that I read that just raise questions I cannot answer. I though I would share some of these with you here.

1. Why is it better that Americans die in Iraq than in the United States? Bush/Cheney says this all the time. Given that more Americans have died in Iraq than in the tragedy of 9/11, why is Iraq better?

2. Does the fact that we have not seen another 9/11-type disaster prove that Bush/Cheney’s policies are effective? How do we explain the lack of a 9/11 prior to Bush being elected? This sounds like selling whistles to keep wild elephants out of Salt Lake City. The fact that there are no elephants roaming the streets of Salt Lake City proves the effectiveness of the whistles. Does one thing have anything to do with the other?

3. Is it possible for Bush to lose the Iraq war? The British are withdrawing 1500 soldiers from Iraq, and Bush says this shows what we can do when areas of the country are pacified and turned over to the Iraqi forces. If the pullout of British troops results in chaos, however, the Bush administration will argue that this shows why we can’t withdraw from Iraq. He can’t lose.

4. Does anyone pay attention to what Iraqis say? Ahmed Abdullah, a 29 year-old Sunni casts doubt on the claim of a Sunni Iraqi women who says she was raped by two Shiite men, “I don’t believe that Iraqis will rape a woman. We don’t have such a culture. We might kill, behead or do torture, but rape—I don’t think so.” Well, that puts my mind to rest. I wouldn’t want to sacrifice American lives to save a culture that rapes. Beheading and torture, well, that’s much more American. At least if you watch “24.”

5. Are American soldiers really our “best and brightest?’ When I see how the government is continually lowering its recruiting standards to meet its goals, I wonder if many of our best and brightest actually avoid military service. I am not saying military folk are less bright, I am just asking if this phrase is anything more than silly rhetoric?

6. Is an all-volunteer military a good idea? If we had a draft and everyone had an equal chance of going to Iraq, I wonder if we would have ever gone to war in the first place. With an all-volunteer force we can abuse our soldiers and hide behind the phrase, “They knew what they were signing up for.” Bring back the draft. This would have the added benefit of easing our Mexican immigration problem as well. First, Mexicans could do the jobs that most Americans really don’t want to do—like fight in Iraq. Second illegal immigrants can replace illegal American emigrants who will slip into Canada to avoid the draft.

7. Would you have stayed on plane for 10 hours so Jet Blue avoid canceling your flight? I always try to sit in the exit row. I suspect I would have opened the emergency hatch and slid down the escape chute. I doubt I would have been alone.

Belief

Last week in my God of Science/Science of God class we were exploring the neurological nature of belief. At one point the young woman leading the discussion asked us, “What is the one belief that you find the most difficult to give up?”

Before I go one, answer that for yourself: What is the one belief that you find the most difficult to give up?

As we went around the classroom answering her question most of us offered beliefs associated with faith: the belief in the Trinity, the belief that God is love, the belief that God loves me.

Dig deeper, I kept urging them, dig deeper. Then it was my turn. The answer had come to me as soon as the question was asked. The one belief that I find most difficult to abandon is the belief that I exist.

Like Descartes, I can doubt everything but the fact that it is I who doubts.

Intellectually I do in fact doubt the existence of an independent thinker. Intellectually I suspect that the “I” I think I am is an illusion, the by-product of the thoughts, feelings, and sensations generated by the firing of millions of neurons in “my” head. I am, quite literally, an after-thought.

I accept this self-as-after-thought as being an accurate description of reality, and yet I cannot surrender the feeling of “I” that the brain generates. After all, who would do the surrendering? And yet there are moments when “I” am surrendered; when grace overwhelms me and “I” am no more. These are moments of exquisite silence; the silence hinted at in 1 Kings 19:12 (Still Small Voice). “I” do not conjure these moments; there is no way for me to do so. They are a gift from God who is my true self. Yet I can prepare myself to receive the gift.

Even in class, as the answer to the question arises within me I sense an I behind the “I”, a field of awareness that is pure subject. As soon as I become aware of it, it vanishes, of course, as I have made an object of it and thereby hidden myself in the illusion of self. My practice, then, is to trace the “I” to its source, to see it arising, and to know that my true self is that source from which the “I” arises. This is what Ramana Maharshi calls self-inquiry. Of course this glimpse of God is lost as soon as it appears, for the “I” that sees it is not the I that is It. But something lingers of the true I even as I take refuge in the illusory one.

The Hasidic sage Reb Nachman of Bratslav calls this “rishimu,” the fragrance of scented oil that lingers long after the oil itself is gone. The fragrance of God permeates everything, hinting at a Presence even when It cannot be found. For now I am content to breathe deeply of the fragrance and let the smell remind me of the One I am.

The Yiddishe Secret

If you watch Oprah you know about The Secret, the notion that like attracts like and thinking makes it so. If you’ve been reading this blog you know that The Secret is both scientifically false (the Law of Attraction states that opposites attract, not likes), and morally repulsive, blaming the victim of evil for the existence of evil.

Having demolished the false secret let me reveal to you the true secret. I learned the real secret from my bubbe, my father’s mother. Bubbe came to America from Russia. She epitomized the Old World Jew. While deeply versed in Jewish ritual and holy days, and running a strictly kosher household and life, the entirety of her theology could be reduced to a single concept: Ayin haRah, the Evil Eye.

Without knowing anything about science, my bubbe lived by the scientific Law of Attraction. She knew that opposites attract; and while she was disinclined to speak harshly of anyone, she was even more wary of speaking well of someone for fear of attracting The Evil Eye.

According to the Law of Attraction as understood from the perspective of Ayin haRah, if someone says, “Oh what a beautiful baby!” the baby will come down with the pox. If someone says, “Mazal tov on your new job!” you will be laid off in a matter of weeks. If someone says, “You sing like a dove!” you will get cancer of the larynx. Good attracts evil. It is a law of nature.

Warding off the Evil Eye is a full time and somewhat messy job. Battling the Evil Eye requires spitting; not a huge glob of mucus, mind you, but three staccato flicks of your tongue between your lips to make an audible sound similar to a wet snowball striking a brick wall. The spitting is preceded by a defensive spell, “K’Ayin haRah” in Hebrew or “K’nehorah!” in the Yiddish preferred by my bubbe. Both phrases mean “Against the Evil Eye.” Say this, spit three times, and the Eye is warded off— for a while. But stay on guard, for the Law of Attraction is eternal, and every positive thought, word, or deed can bring on the Evil Eye yet again.

Warding off the Evil Eye works. Here are two of many testimonials I have heard:

Moshe Gross was an executive with a California dotcom. At an important strategy meeting he sought to defend a particularly good idea by casting a K’nehorah and spitting three times. This being California rather than Chelm, Moshe was given a generous severance package and fired. Three weeks latter the company collapsed and people lost everything.

Malkah Frankl was a shoe-in for winning the Queen Esther Beauty Pageant at her day school, when, just to make sure, her mother spit three times and accidentally blinded the judge who went on to choose some other girl. Malkah went home crying, but her classmates stayed for the party, ate spinach contaminated with e coli, and fell deathly ill.

Think what you like about the Yiddishe Secret, but have a good day. K’nehorah! Feh, feh, feh!

Think Peace

I may be obsessing over The Secret, and if you cannot abide yet another blog on this topic please skip this entry, but as the Iraq War enters its fifth year, as over sixty human beings were murdered in Baghdad car bombings this morning, as President Bush promotes his “First We Take Baghdad, Then We Take Teheran” strategy, I cannot help but wonder why Rhonda Byrne and The Secret’s millions of followers don’t think us into peace.

I don’t mean to be facetious. Yes, I disagree with The Secret’s premise that whatever comes into our lives does so because we attract it with out thoughts, but, I could be wrong. The Secret could be true, and if it is and we don’t use it for peace but only to feed our desire for personal perfection, what does that say about us? So, just for a moment, let’s imagine that The Secret is true, that we can think our way to peace?

Imagine millions of Oprah viewers who saw her two segments on The Secret plus millions more who have purchased the book and DVD, deciding to Think Peace. Imagine millions of The Secret fans converging on Washington and London to Think Peace. Imagine millions more flying to Kabul and Teheran to do the same. This would be world changing!

I’m serious. I may have missed it, but I don’t recall peace and an end to the Iraq War ever coming up in either Oprah segment. And in the chapter in the book entitled The Secret to the World, Iraq is never mentioned, and peace is almost a footnote.

Part of this may be that to mention such things would be to put energy into the negative and thus make matters worse. I understand that and why The Secret suggests we focus on peace rather than the negative energy-attracting notion of anti-war. But all I found in the book was Rhonda’s admission that she doesn’t watch television or read newspapers because she doesn’t want to think about (and hence add to) the injustice, violence, and evil in the world. But by avoiding the real evil in the world, she is doing us all a terrible disservice. There must be a way to acknowledge war even as we think peace. If we do not admit to evil, how can we stop it? After all we are willing to admit to personal poverty, illness, and relationship problems as a first step to thinking these around, why not war? Why not evil?

The Secret is a worldwide phenomenon, and The Secret team of motivational speakers has a tremendous opportunity to transform the world not simply by selling books and DVDs, but by organizing global Think Peace initiatives.

I know I called The Secret new age boomer narcissism. I know I said it was all about feeding greed and avoiding guilt. Prove me wrong. This isn’t a challenge, but a heartfelt plea. What could be a better use of The Secret than this?

You Are, Therefore I Am

I was reading the Bible the other day, and noticed something I had not noticed before: until the birth of Eve, Adam is mute. God creates Adam, gives him mastery over almost all of nature, puts him in a Garden where all his needs are taken care of, and gives him the sole commandment not to eat from the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil, and through it all Adam says not a word. Then God puts him to sleep and extracts Eve from his side and—voila!—the man speaks. He looks at Eve and says, “Now this is bone of my bone, flesh of my flesh…” (Genesis 2:23).

Adam’s first words are neither to God nor to Eve but to himself. His speech is self-reflexive, the emergence of the other, Eve, gives rise to self-awareness and speech.

Why? Because self and other go together like front and back. The creation of Eve is the creation of Adam. Adam was unaware of himself before Eve. Self and Other arise together, and together they create speech.

Of course Eve remains silent. It is not until she meets the serpent that she begins to speak. Is the serpent is her other? No. The serpent speaks to Eve first. She is his other, just as she was Adam’s other. Her speech is in response to the serpent, and a bit latter in response to God who wants to know why she ate from the Tree. Eve doesn’t initiate self-reflexive speech until she births Cain (Genesis 4:1). She sees what has come forth from her and this other creates her sense of self. She is for the first time a fully realized “I.”

What does this mean? The Torah can never be reduced to one meaning, but it may suggest that the self is a by-product of the creative act. It is not the self that creates another, but the act of creating another that creates the self.

I experience this all the time. When I am in a creative mode I cannot say “I” am creating something, rather something is being created and “I” enter into the picture only to evaluate what was created. In fact, if “I” appear on the scene too early, the creative act ceases and whatever was in the process of emerging is gone. This is why I find the creative process essentially spiritual.

Is this what the Genesis author intended us to see in her story of Adam, Eve, and Cain? I can’t say for sure, but it is certainly there to find. Which is what makes the Bible worth reading in the first place.

Do Ya Wanna Know The Secret?

This is my second blog entry on “The Secret,” Rhonda Byrne’s dangerous piece of New Age boomer madness. I am posting it in answer to those who emailed me asking if “The Secret” says what I say it says. To answer that question I have quoted liberally from the book (I have not seen the DVD) and added my comments to the quotes. Unfortunately blogger.com does not allow italics, so the quotations are a bit hard to distinguish from the commentary. Just keep in mind everything after a page number is me.
•••
Everything that is coming into your life you are attracting into your life…Whatever is going on in your mind you are attracting to you. (p.4) If you are the victim of abuse, disease, or injustice it is your fault for thinking thoughts that create abuse, disease, and injustice. There is no need to change the world, just change your thoughts about it.
•••
You are the most powerful magnet in the Universe! (p.7) This notion that you are a magnet is the central metaphor of The Secret. Obviously they mean this metaphorically; otherwise you would be covered in iron filings. Coupled with the idea that you are a magnet is the notion that “like attracts like.” Unfortunately for The Secret this is not true; opposites attract: positively charged magnets attract negatively charged objects, negatively charged magnets attract positively charged objects. This is just the opposite of what The Secret claims is the secret.
•••
Since you attract to you what you think about most, it is easy to see what your dominant
thoughts have been on every subject of your life, because that is what you have experienced. (p.9) In other words, if there is evil in your life it is your fault for putting it there. Tell that to the Jews in Nazi Germany, or Sunnis and Shiites in Iraq, or the people being murdered in Darfur.
•••
The law of attraction is a law of nature. (p.13) No it isn’t. The Law of Attraction is a law of motivational speakers.
•••
Quantum physicists tell us that the entire Universe emerged from thought! (p. 15) No it doesn’t. Physics, quantum or otherwise, does not know from what the universe emerged. But if The Secret is right, then you and I are only thoughts in someone else’s mind, and therefore have no control over anything at all.
•••
You can begin to consciously choose your thoughts, and you can change your life. (p19) While it is true you can change your life (do things differently) it is not true that you can consciously choose your thoughts. In order to choose my thoughts there must already be thoughts from among which to choose. If these thoughts are already there, I didn’t think them, yet The Secret’s Law of Attaction is already in play and my choosing among them is too little too late.
•••
Meditation quiets the mind, helps you control your thoughts. (p. 23) No it doesn’t. Meditation allows you to witness your thoughts without getting caught up in them. Good thought, bad thoughts—just thoughts. Meditation isn’t about choosing to think good thoughts; it is about living without getting trapped in thoughts at all.
•••
“I am the master of my thoughts.” (p. 23) Try this experiment. For the next ten seconds do not think of a naked skier speeding down the slopes of Aspen. You can’t help yourself. You are not the master of your thoughts. The thoughts you notice are already thought, so how can you be their master?
•••
This is your life, and it’s been waiting for you to discover it! (p.41) Wait a minute. First we are told that we are to create our life now we are told we are to discover it. Creation and discovery are mutually exclusive. If my life is to be discovered then it is already created and my thoughts have nothing to do with it. The secret to The Secret may be to say outrageous things in sentences ending with exclamation points and hope no one pays much attention to what is being said.
•••
Nothing can come into your experience unless you summon it through persistent thoughts. (p. 43) You were raped? Your fault. You were abused as a child? Your fault. You are the victim of racism, sexism, or other injustice? It is your fault. Don’t put an end to evil and injustice, simply stop attracting these into your life.
•••
The first step is to ask. Make a command to the Universe. Let the Universe know what you want. The Universe responds to your thoughts. (p. 47) Do you have any idea how huge the Universe is? Do you have any idea how infinitesimal your brain waves are in comparison? The Universe is not your cosmic concierge.
•••
Now that you know you can have, be, or do anything, and there are no limits, what do you want? (p. 47) I can imagine few things more frightening that a world were everyone gets everything they want. Endless desire as Ecclesiastes, Buddha, and Jesus teach us is the root of all suffering.
•••
Ask once, believe you have received, and all you have to do it receive is feel good. (p. 53) The assumption is that you can control your feelings, but you can’t. You don’t even know what you are feeling until you are feeling it. The Secret is about feeling good, but the truth is that you are made to feel a much fuller and richer palate of emotions. There is nothing wrong with feeling sadness, guilt, remorse, or anything else. Don’t control your feelings; just don’t let your feelings control your behavior.
•••
Time is an illusion. Einstein told us that. (p. 62) No he didn’t. Einstein said time is relative to the speed of light, not that time is an illusion.
•••
What quantum physicists and Einstein tell us is that everything is happening simultaneously… If everything is happening at the one time, then the parallel version of you with what you want already exists. (p.62) First of all Einstein didn’t say this, and if The Secret is going to rely on Parallel Universe theory they are in trouble. Parallel Universe Theory says that all possibilities must exist, each in its own universe. If this is true then there is a “you” that has everything you desire, but that “you” isn’t you and you can never be that “you” because that would destroy the very fabric of reality on which the Parallel Universe Theory rests.
•••
It is impossible to bring more into your life if you are feeling ungrateful about what you have. (p. 77) While I am a firm believer in gratitude, it just isn’t true that lack of gratitude blocks you from getting more. First of all, behavior is what matters and not feelings and gratitude is a feeling. Second, there are plenty of wealthy people who lack all gratitude and their money still grows. It’s called compound interest.
•••
Think about the inventors and their inventions… They only way anything has ever been invented or created is because one person saw a picture in his mind. He saw it clearly, and by holding that picture of the end result in his mind, all the forces of the universe brought his invention into the world, through him. (p. 82) This is patently (pun intended) untrue. Inventors work by trial and error. Failure and persistence in the face of failure is a key to creativity not its nemesis.
•••
The only reason any person does not have enough money is because they are blocking money from coming to them with their thoughts. (p. 98) Wow, talking about ending welfare as we know it. This is blaming the victim at its socio-economic worst, and leads to a world of selfishness that would make even Ayn Rand turn over in her grave.
•••
I never opened my bills until I had got myself into the feeling that they were checks. If I opened my bills before convincing myself they were checks, my stomach would churn when I opened them. (p. 105). Does this really work? You know they are bills (otherwise you wouldn’t have to pretend they are checks), so you lie to yourself before you open them. OK, but what do you when you do open them? Do you try to cash them? Can you think the bank into giving you cash for bills? Or do you still have to pay them? Since you think they are checks rather than bills, however, you won’t pay them, and the bank will repo your car and foreclose on your house. Who’s happy now?
•••
…Abraham, Isaac, Jacob, Joseph, Moses, and Jesus were not only prosperity teachers, but also millionaires themselves, with more affluent lifestyles than many present-day millionaires could conceive of. (p.109) Dangling participles aside, this is just bizarre. Jesus said it is easier for a camel to get through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to get to heaven. (Matthew 19:24) He tells the wealthy Pharisee to give all he has to the poor. (Mark 10:21) And he tells the apostles to travel and teach without a staff, bread, or money (Mark 6:8). I think it clear here what The Secret really worships.
•••
You can think your way to the perfect state of health, the perfect body, the perfect weight, and eternal youth. You can bring it into being, through your consistent thinking of perfection. (p. 131) Illness, anorexia, obesity, even aging is your fault. Genes don’t matter. Don’t waste money on health insurance, and don’t bother fixing the nation’s healthcare system— just think healthy thoughts.
•••
You cannot “catch” anything unless you think you can, and thinking you can is inviting it to you with your thought. (p. 132) Aids? Your fault. Cancer? Your fault. I wonder if any of the The Secret folks get ill or immunized their children or grandchildren?
•••
When I discovered The Secret I made a decision that I would not watch the news or read newspapers anymore, because it did not make me feel good. (p. 145) Rather than feel pain and sorrow over the injustice and suffering in the world, rather than take action to stop the madness that your government may be engaged in, rather than take any responsibility for being a global citizen and working toward global justice and peace, The Secret tells us to take refuge in ignorance. This is unconscionable.
•••
Nothing is limited—not resources or anything else. It is only limited in the human mind. (p. 149) This kind of thinking leads to environmental exploitation and degradation all in the name of greed. The only thing that is unlimited is the amount of injustice The Secret is willing to sanction.
•••
I never studied science or physics at school, and yet when I read complex books on quantum physics I understood them perfectly because I wanted to understand them. (p. 156) For The Secret even education is a waste of time. I wonder if, on the off chance that one of The Secret people needs a doctor, or a mechanic, or financial advisor if they go to one who just read about on her own or if they seek out someone who is well schooled in their field?
•••
The Secret makes a mockery of social justice, environmental sanity, education, health care, ethics, and civil rights. It celebrates greed and a level of narcissism that verges on sociopathology. The Secret should be exposed for what it is, motivational snake oil, and used as a platform for discussing how best to live in the real world guided by the universal challenge of all great religions to do justly, love mercy, and walk humbly.

The Real Secret

I watched Oprah’s “The Secret” yesterday and was outraged by what I heard. The all-star panel that Oprah assembled to promote The Secret comprised wealthy motivational speakers and authors, the secular equivalent of tent meeting evangelical preachers. I was all the more troubled because I am a fan of one panel member, Rev. Michael Beckwith, and suspect that if he had been on by himself we would have had a very different show.

A book/DVD phenomenon from Australia, the secret The Secret reveals is the Law of Attraction: the life you live is the result of the thoughts you think and feelings you feel. I find this so disturbing I hardly know where to begin. So here are just four quick thoughts. I may write a more detailed review of this book but for now this will have to do.

1. The Secret says, “All forms of matter and energy are attracted to that which is of a like vibration.” To test this out, I took a rock, broke it in half and waited for the two halves to move toward one another. I’m still waiting.

2. The Secret says, “You are a living magnet.” What? Magnets do not attract likes; magnets attract opposites!

3. The Secret says your thoughts and feelings determine your reality, and that you should choose which thoughts and feelings to focus on. The problem is that by the time you have thoughts and feelings among which to choose you have already thought and felt the negatives you don’t want to chose and have thus fallen victim to the Law of Attraction. You can’t win!

4. The idea that you create your own reality, denies everything we know about genetics, ignores things like racism, sexism, social, political, and economic injustice, and blames the victim for all the horrors one endures. If you didn’t think “rape” you wouldn’t have attracted a rapist.

The Secret is simply Norman Vincent Peale’s The Power of Positive Thinking repackaged for New Age seekers. Sure it helps to be positive, but it helps more to do positive. Actions influence feelings and thoughts and are by and large under your control. To use the mind to fix the mind is to simply make you crazier.

Your behavior, far more than your thoughts and feelings, determine much but not all of your reality. If you are depressed and try to think or feel your way of out it, you will only get more depressed. Instead, do something constructive (see “Constructive Living” by David Reynolds and checkout the ToDo Institute on line). Doing good will often make us feel good. But if we wait to feel good before doing good will do very little good.

Here is the real secret: a sucker is born every minute and The Secret is going to milk them dry.

No "I" In Team

There is was again, that ubiquitous cliché “There’s no ‘I’ in team” coughed up by some sports hero to downplay the fact that he carried his team to victory in the Super Bowl. I understand the need for this kind of talk, but let’s face: it there are two I’s in humility.

So I decided to spend a few minutes looking for other “No I” wisdom. If any of these catch on please give me credit, after all there is an “I” in credit.

There is no “I” in sex, which is why masturbation is evil, which, by the way, has an “I.”
There is no “I” in fuck, but there is a “U” which may mean something.
There is no “I” in mortgage or rent, so why should I have to pay these?
There is no “I” in goodness, but there is an “I” in sin.
There is no “I” in looser, so be sure to blame someone else for your screw ups.
There is no “I” in company, which is why the individual worker usually gets screwed.
There is no “I” in human, which means being one is no guarantee of being an individual.
There is no “I” in man or woman, but there is an “I” in insect. Go figure.
There is no “I” in me, which is what the Buddha taught 2500 years ago.
There is no “I” in Buddha because there is no “I” in me.
There is no “I” in Jesus, but there are three in Christianity. Must be the Trinity.
There is no “I” in Torah, Koran, or Gospel so don’t try to read these books by yourself.
There is no “I” in terror, but there is one in terrorist.
There is no “I” in holy, but there are two each in religious and spiritual.
There is no “I” in death so no need to worry about after-life or reincarnation.
There is no “I” in church, synagogue, or mosque, but check out priest, rabbi, and imam.
There is no “I” in joy, but there is one in pain.
There is no “I” in reason, but there are two in insanity.
There is no “I” in God, but there is one in Rami.

If you want to make bumper stickers out of any of these, please be my guest. Or if you come up with some of your own post them on the Blogspot version of ToTo.

Straight Shot to Straighthood

Hallelujah! After three weeks of intensive therapy and a few months of prayer, Ted Haggard, the homophobic homosexual preacher, is now, in his own words, “completely heterosexual.” Based on my own sources what the Rev. Haggard actually said was “I am completely straight, totally not gay, absolutely heterosexual, beyond a shadow of a doubt playing for the right team, I mean if I lived in Sodom I would have given the angels to the mob and saved Lot’s daughters for myself. I am not gay!”

Good for him. I knew homosexuality was a matter of choice no different that being Democratic or Republican (except that your father determines your politics while an overbearing mother makes you gay). And if you get caught being a total hypocrite by damning gays and lesbians while secretly playing for their team, you can hide out for a few months in the Betty Page Clinic for the Straight and Narrow(minded) and then declare yourself a changed man.

What kills me isn’t that Ted fled to rehab—every rich schmuck in this country outed as a racist, xenophobe, homophobe, or anti-Semite runs to rehab if they can afford it—no, what kills me is that Rev. Haggard’s tens of thousands of followers will swallow (no pun intended) his changed man routine hook, line, and sinker.

I can imagine them on CNN, their faces puffy with thanksgiving, their eyes moist and glued heavenward, invoking the idea that God is love and love is nothing if not forgiving unless you happen to be of the wrong religion in which case God’s love is right up there with Hitler’s Final Solution. But this is bull. The reason they will accept Ted’s conversion from gay to straight in three months flat is that they cannot stomach the idea that God could make homosexuals in the first place.

Other TV preachers have had sexual scandals with prostitutes, but with female prostitutes. This is natural: men—God fearing, red-blooded, all-American men (like Jimmy Carter) lust after women. But homosexuality is something else. No straight guy is sexually attracted to men. Of course if we are honest, or Freudian, we must admit that most men are not as heterosexual as Ted would like us to believe he now is, but by and large straight guys don’t call male prostitutes for massages and meth.

So, if Ted is going to sin, and all of us sin, why sin that way? If homosexuality is a choice and no heterosexual man is inclined to make that choice, then, given that Ted did make that choice, we can only assume that he is not heterosexual, that he was born gay. That is the way God made him. Otherwise he would have had called a female prostitute.

So Rev. Ted can say whatever he has to to get his life and career back together. His wife can say whatever she has to to save face and stand by her man. But, please, let the rest of us not be fooled. Ted is gay and God made him that way. My only problem is that we can’t love him the way he is. Will somebody please send him a lifetime membership to GLAAD? And a carton of Snickers.

Stop Snicker(s)ing or Don’t Get MADD get GLAAD

While I am pleased that GLAAD (Gay and Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation) got those terrible Snickers ads off the air and Internet, I am more than a bit distressed by the whole affair.

I didn’t watch the Super Bowl last Sunday because I don’t like to watch giant hulking sweating grunting men pile on top of one another in some obscene parody of Lynndie England's patriotic photos at Abu Ghraib. But it seems that the good people of GLAAD do watch and did us all a favor by attacking these ads.

If you didn’t see it on TV (or the different versions of it) on the Internet, the ad features two giant hulking sweating grunting men working on a truck. One whips out his Snickers and starts to suck it into his mouth hands-free. His coworker, obviously driven by a deep-seated hunger for a chocolate, caramel and peanut phallus-shaped concoction began sucking in the other end.

Just like the clearly heterosexual dogs sucking a single strand of spaghetti in the Disney classic Lady and the Tramp, our two giant hulking sweating grunting men end up kissing. Disgusted by their sudden moment of intimacy and clearly doubting whether real men suck Snickers, they leap apart and seek to prove their hetero-hood by ripping out their chest hair or, in the versions on the Internet, beating themselves with wrenches and truck hoods like Click and Clack if the Tappit Brothers were Opus Dei or Shi’ite flagellants.

Now you may not be bothered by two giant hulking sweating grunting men sucking on a single Snickers bar but GLAAD people are and they got the candy company to cancel the ad. Good for them. I personally love Snickers but I have to admit I will never ever be able to eat one again with engaging in of some homoerotic fantasy, something that usually only happens when I eat Three Musketeers bars.

I’m serious— these ads have ruined Snickers bars for me. In fact now I’m skittish about eating any candy bar whose shape reminds me either of spaghetti (and hence bestiality) or a penis.

To check out my new phobia I went to a series of grocery and drug stores to buy one or another chocolate bar in the hitherto mentioned shapes. Just walking down the isle made be queasy. I started to swagger and talk like John Wayne just to make sure no one thought I was gay or GLAAD or even happy to be there.

Yet I love chocolate. At first I thought I could take refuge in M&Ms but that “melts in your mouth and not in your hand” slogan is now taboo. What to do? With a little careful searching I found Godiva Chocolate, and there is nothing that says heterosexual more than eating Godiva. Unless you are a lesbian. Damn!

Mea Culpa

My last blog (I’m Sorry, So Sorry) contained an error I feel compelled to correct. While I was right to absolve my people from the murder of Jesus Christ, I was incorrect to absolve myself. As it turns out, I did kill Jesus Christ.

It’s true. I did it in a past life. Usually I don’t believe in reincarnation, seeing it as another of the ego’s endless attempts to avoid its own dissolution into the greater unity of God, but I now see that my theology may be just my attempt to avoid facing my own guilt over the murder of God. You see I once again telepathically contacted with Iraqi astrologer Ali al-Bakri (see Must Seer TV) on the issue of who killed Jesus and this is what he told me:

I was a Jew in first-century Jerusalem. I hated Jesus because his mother told him he was God while my mother told me I was God. Since we Jews have only one God, I knew Jesus for lying. At the time Jesus showed up I was working on a marketing plan to promote myself as God. My mistake was announcing my divinity through John the Proctologist rather than John the Baptist. I thought I’d reach more people at the mall than the Jordan. Who knew?

So Jesus had a head start, but I followed him around and tried to attract the Jews away from him. I showed up at the wedding feast in Cana with a gift of the finest wine, but Jesus’ mother met me at the door, took the wine, stuck a gift card from Jesus on it, and made sure he got the credit. Then I tried feeding people with loaves and fishes, but he sent out for baskets of food and I only paid for a Happy Meal (I kept the Tickle Me Herod doll that came with it, though my mother gave it away at the Massada Army charity drive). We both showed up at the stoning of the adulterous woman. Jesus wrote something on the ground and said, “Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.” I wrote on the ground too, “Fine Throwing Stones, Two for A Shekel.” Jesus had his Last Supper while I tried a Going Out of Business Sale. Nothing worked, and he was very convincing with all his healings.

Then Jesus got arrested and turned over to Pilate (the Roman Procurator not the guy who invented the exercise system). Well, I didn’t want to win this way so I got a bunch of Jews to go with me to Pilate and demand Jesus’ release. When Pilate asks me “Whom do you want?” (Romans are nothing if not grammatically correct. I think it’s because they had to learn Latin as kids.) I sarcastically answer, “Who you got?” He says, “Barabbas.” I sarcastically say “Right, we want Barabbas” and he gives me Barabbas. Romans have no feel for sarcasm.

Now I really felt bad, so I go to talk to Jesus while he’s hanging on the cross. I want to apologize for not rescuing him, and maybe get an endorsement. By the time I get there the guards think he’s dead. To be sure the Centurion in charge starts to poke him with his spear. Still trying to get close to Jesus I jostle the Centurion and accidentally push the spear into Jesus’ side. That did it. Dead for sure. I killed him.

That’s how it happened, and I feel really bad about it. So I apologize for the killing of Christ. It was my fault and mine alone. So please, people, leave the Jews alone.

So Sorry

The good people of Virginia voted last Wednesday to apologize for slavery. The Virginia House Rules Committee unanimously passed a measure expressing “profound regret” for the state’s slave trade and other injustices against African Americans and Native Americans. I think that is great. No, honestly, I do. Notwithstanding the fact that it is cheaper to apologize than it is to pay back wages for hundreds of years of slave labor, and that it is easier to apologize than it is to actually end racism, I was still touched by the gesture. In fact I was so moved that I wrote to the Egyptian President asking that he consider passing a measure apologizing to the Jews for centuries of Egyptian slavery. Here is part of the letter I received in return:

“While your suggestion is an intriguing one, I feel such a letter to your people would only be possible after the Jews first issued an apology to the Egyptian people for working with Pharaoh to strip the Egyptian peasants of their land and livelihood perhaps even forcing them leave their land and migrate to the cities as slaves in the time of your ancestor Joseph (Please see your Bible, Genesis 47:13-21).”

I wrote a similar letter to the King of Saudi Arabia asking that he issue an apology to the Jews for the Muslim role in fostering anti-Semitism, and received this in response:

“In the Name of Allah the All Merciful, your idea is ridiculous. But if such an apology were to come it would only be given after your people apologize to my people for your mother Sarah’s brutal treatment of our mother Hagar and her son Ishmael, peace be upon them. It was her inhumanity that started the feud between our peoples. She is your mother. Do something.”

As these letters are coming in, I learn that not everyone in Virginia is happy with the apology that was issued there. Virginia Delegate Frank Hargrove Sr., who, I was shocked to learn, is a white Republican, opposed the measure saying that blacks “should get over” slavery. He followed that up with (and I kid you not), “Are we going to force the Jews to apologize for killing Christ?”

Whoa! We did work with Pharaoh to destroy the Egyptian people, and we did send Hagar and Ishmael out to die in the desert, so on behalf of my people: I am sorry. Sorry, ashamed, embarrassed, and outraged at my ancestors and at my contemporaries who read these things year in and year out without being sorry, ashamed, embarrassed or outraged themselves. But the no more killed Jesus than the planes killed the Beast. It was the Romans in the first case and beauty in the second.

Yes there were Jews, especially the ruling class bought and paid for by the Romans who collaborated in his arrest, and were not sad to see him go (though very unhappy when he came back three days later), but neither they nor we killed him. Even pre-rehab Mel Gibson admitted that. So get it through you thick, white, Republican head Delegate Hargrove: chances are better that your ancestors killed Christ than mine.

Must Seer TV

Iraq has a new hit television show called Your Fortune. Hosted by two astrologers, Hadeel al-Bayati, who looks suspiciously like Monica Lewinsky, and her male counterpart Ali al-Bakri, the show fields calls and emails from all over Iraq.

I tried emailing the show myself, but I didn’t hear back. I am, however, being spammed by some group selling penis enhancing drugs for would-be martyrs: “If you don’t want them the remain virgins, you need Miracle-Gro.”

Since the hosts of Your Fortune are psyches I decided to contact them the old fashioned way—through telepathy. This proved to be very effective.

Rami: Thanks for taking my ethereal-net call, Ali.

Ali: No problem. What is on your mind which I say only to be polite since I already know what is on your mind being a psychic and no, Hadeel is not here.

Rami: Oh. Well. Listen, I have a question. Our president…

Ali: George W. Bush.

Rami: Wow, you are good. Anyway, our president thinks we need 21,500 more troops in Iraq. General Casey who is up for Army Chief of Staff says we need far fewer than this. Who is right, and how many do we need?

Ali: Yes, yes, let me see what the stars say. Actually your General Casey is right and you need fewer troops.

Rami: Really! How many fewer?

Ali: 21,499 fewer.

Rami: What? We only need one additional soldier in Iraq? Who?

Ali: Superman. He is really Clark Kent, but don’t tell anyone. It is a secret known only to Ma and Pa Kent and perhaps the Bat-Man.

Rami: You do know that Superman is a fictional character.

Ali: Yes, of course, but President George has been using fiction to run this war all along, so there is no problem. But Iran may be smuggling Kryptonite into Baghdad, so you should take out Teheran on the way over. Or, to be safe, may be to send entire Justice League of Great Satan, oh, sorry, of America, would be better. Wonder Woman would have to wear burka, however. Anyway, I must run. Just a warning: I could be wrong about the troops. Ever since Pluto was eliminated as planet everything having to do with Iraq and America is up Uranus. Good-bye.

Nothing to Fear but Fearful Lights Themselves

Boston shut down in fear last Wednesday (January 31) because a couple of guys hired by Cartoon Network put up blinking cartoon characters to hype a cartoon called Aqua Teen Hunger Force.

This is the second time in recent months that a cartoon has caused mass hysteria, the first being the cartoons of Mohammed (Peace Be Upon Him) published in Denmark. Now, I thought then that the reaction of Muslims to the cartoons was, shall we say, insane, but the response to this totally innocuous blinking light thing was absolutely mad.

The government has gotten us so jumpy with its Orange Alerts and Terror Toothpaste Rulings and Let’s Get Naked In Public X-Ray machines that we are ready to believe that Captain Crunch and General Mills are preparing a coup against the government. (Speaking of the new X-Ray machines, have you stood in an airport security lately? Unless you live in LA, Miami, or Bermuda, you don’t want to see your fellow travelers naked on the x-ray scanner. We are a nation of obese transfat fried coach potatoes who can barely fit in the narrow seats on the plane. I don’t want to see most people clothed, let alone naked. And that goes for me as well.)

So these guys put up the blinking lights in the shape of some 1970’s looking cheesey (hmmm cheeeesy…) video arcade game character and people jump out of their skin. The cops are called, the National Guard is turned out, the Minute Men grab their muskets, tea is tossed into Boston Harbor, witches are burned in Salem, and the great great great great grandson Paul Revere rides his Harley through the countryside crying, “The Blinkies are coming the Blinkies are Coming!”

The new Governor of Massachusetts, Deval(ution) Patrick calls it a “hoax.” Assuming Deval knows what a hoax is, this is not a hoax. This is a marketing campaign. A hoax is Orson Wells’ War of the Worlds. No, even that wasn’t a hoax. That was a radio show that proved in the 1930’s what the blinking lights prove in the 2000’s— Americas are scared shitless! A hoax is getting people to think that anyone you see during the first eight weeks of American Idol has a chance to become America’s idol.

What caused all this madness? Four calls to Boston PD around 1 p.m. citing USBCCs (unidentified stationary blinking cartoon characters) around the city. Of course the police should check things out. But was it really necessary to call in Homeland Security? And just when they were about to stop twelve billion Mexicans from illegally crossing into America to take jobs that Americans no long want to do (like putting up unidentified stationary blinking cartoon characters in American cities)?

We are a nation afraid of its own shadow. This is very dangerous. Things will only get worse, and we will use our fear to justify all kinds of evil. It is one thing to waste tens of thousands of dollars in the war against blinking cartoon lights, but this is only the beginning. Soon we will start rounding up, oh let’s say, Muslims just to be safe. I know you say it can’t happen here, but, yes, Mrs. Yamagoto, it can. I saw it on 24.

A Maccaca Moment or Biden His Time

Senator Joe Biden, would be Democratic nominee for President of the United States in 2008, gave even Paula Zahn a start when he said that Barack Obama, would be Democratic nominee for Messiah, was the first clean African American to run for the Presidency. Now, to be fair (if not balanced) Joe meant BO was “fresh,” “new,” or “forward thinking,” all good words when it comes to marketing a presidential hopeful. And maybe that is what he meant. I cannot judge whether or not this was Biden’s Maccaca Moment, the racially ugly Freudian Slip that sank whatshisname in the West Virginia Senate race. I can’t judge because I myself am racially colorblind.

I mean it. I never take race or color into account. I am so color blind that while I am certain I have friends who are African American, Chinese American, Japanese American, Latin American, Illegal American, and what-have-you they all look perfectly white Anglo-Saxon to me. You know, normal Americans.

Yes, there was a time when I noticed that some people were black. Virginia coal miners speaking to the cameras after a mine disaster, for example. But I knew that these people were really just like me. And I did have an African America friend with whom I worked at a bank in Boston, but I never looked at his skin color. Or rather I only looked at the color of his skin on the palms of his hands which was basically the same as mine.

So when Kramer goes mad with the N-word, I don’t get it. The fact that they hated his comedy routine had nothing to do with their race. Maybe he just sucked. Which brings me to homophobia. I am as homo-blind as I am colorblind. Not only do I not care which Slot B one inserts Tab A into, I don’t care if those with Slots have no truck with Tabs at all. In fact I think we should get over all this male-female nonsense and just talk about Tabs and Slots. And yes, Tabs are from Mars and Slots are from Venus, but you have to talk to L. Ron Hubbard to find out just why that is.

Anyway, back to clueless Joe and clean BO. I think Barack is clean in every meaning of the word. He looks well washed; he isn’t carrying a gun or wearing a wire; he is young and fresh; and he may be free from political baggage despite the fact that Hillary’s storm troopers have put out the word that Barack HUSSEIN Obama went to a Muslim madrassa as a young boy. What’s his name, again? Barack O-bomb-ah?

Politics is an ugly business, and the only winners are those who don’t mind playing in the muck. If BO is clean now, he won’t be by the time we get to vote for president in November of 2008. Which brings me to my suggestion for the 08 race.

Rather than move the primaries to late 07 and early 08, a tactic that only puts more power into the hands of the politic hacks of the two dominant parties, let’s hold the election before the primaries. That way we can vote for candidates before they devolve into pit bulls. And then I can vote for BO, whom I am told is black, before he becomes unclean.

Circles of Love

This morning in my God of Science/Science of God class at Middle Tennessee State University we explored anthropologist Barbara King’s new book Evolving God. The gist of our conversation centered on Dr. King’s notion that humans evolve toward greater and greater levels of belongingness at some point needing to belong to supernatural communities of gods, spirits, and God. Whether or not such realms exist is not Dr. King’s concern. Religion, she says, is a natural expression of the human need to belong.

King also introduced us to Karen Armstrong’s fabulous phrase “ethical alchemy.” For Armstrong religion at its best is the alchemical transformation of the human from concern solely with self to concern for others to concern for all others, human and otherwise.

When I read Armstrong in the context of King, I found that blending belongingness and ethical alchemy provides us with a scientific means for defining religion and measuring the spiritual maturity of any given religion.

Religion is the practice of cultivating compassion for more and more inclusive levels of being in order to facilitate more and more inclusive levels of belonging.

Belonging alone is not enough. One can be predisposed to belong and find your need to belong met by becoming a Nazi and hanging out with fellow Nazis. Compassion alone is not enough: Hitler loved his Eva and, so I am told, his dog. If however we take King’s evolutionary approach and assume that belonging to more inclusive communities is more evolved than belonging to less inclusive communities, and link that with Armstrong’s ethical alchemy of compassion we can say that the hallmark of a healthy and evolved religion is its capacity to nurture belonging to and feelings of compassion for greater and greater circles of reality: matter, life, mind, soul, and spirit (to borrow from Ken Wilbur’s Great Nest of Being).

This of course has nothing to do with creeds, sacred texts, rituals, symbols, holy days, and the like. These are also part of religion, and we can look at them through the lens of ethical alchemy, asking, To what extent does this book or ritual broaden one’s circle of love? The answer to this question is measurable and hence scientific, and can be used to rank religions and religious practices on an objective scale from less to more loving.

Needless to say I am walking on thin ice here. Yet the purpose of our class is to take a hard look at where science and spirituality can talk to one another to each other’s mutual benefit. Today I think we did just that.

PS: The God of Science and the Science of God class is part of the Mobius Center for Science and Spirituality, a joint project of MTSU and my One River Foundation. We will post this class on line over the summer. A second video-based project called “10 Questions” will explore students’ thoughts on religion and spirituality. This too will be available on the Internet. I want to thank all of you who have donated to Mobius and invite others interested in science and spirituality to help us as well. Email me if you want to learn how you can help.

God's Fool

Every once in a while I am blessed with the opportunity to act as God’s fool. Last night was one of those times.

Just prior to Thanksgiving I traveled to Israel with a small group of Nashville rabbis and Evangelical pastors. Last night we convened an open forum to discuss our first-of-its-kind journey with the community at large. Hundreds of people attended. For the most part we focused on a number of amazing moments of deep dialogue that occurred between us, and while it is my habit to play Devil’s Advocate in such settings, I kept myself under control, and happily joined in the Jewish-Evangelical camaraderie. And then I got carried away.

An audience member asked a question regarding the fate of the Jews in the Evangelical scheme of things. The pastors spoke passionately about God’s eternal covenant with the Jewish people and how the modern State of Israel was proof of God’s steadfast love of the Jews. As they spoke I kept waiting for something more. As I heard the question, the person was not asking about the political fate of the Jews in this world, but the eternal fate of the Jews in the world to come.

While I applaud and welcome Christian Zionism and its love of and support for Israel, I had learned, or thought I had learned, that in addition to their belief that God would resettle the Jews in Israel the relationship between God and the Jews was such that they had a special place in Heaven that did not require them to accept Jesus as their Lord and Savior. I swear to Krishna I heard this from the pastors while I was in Israel.

Proud of my evangelical friends’ theological liberalism I took the microphone and shared that teaching with the crowd, inviting the pastors to affirm that I had heard them correctly.

Dead silence. A dead, dark, deafening silence that sucked the heads of my colleagues deep into their shoulders. The kind of silence neither Rachel Carlson nor Clarice’s lambs could never know. A silence so painful I smelled brimstone rising around my chair.

Suddenly our moderator, a Vatican Two Catholic who believed God, like Motel Six, left a light on for all people, said, “Well, I want to thank you all for coming. Good night.”

Really, that is how the evening ended. A ninety-minute Jewish-Evangelical love-fest ruined by five seconds of, “What, you still think I’m going to burn in Hell for all eternity? Damn!”

To be fair, one Evangelical panel member came up to me afterward and copped to being the one who told me Jews were going to Heaven, but admitted to being the odd person out theologically. I just heard what I wanted to hear. I do that a lot.

I am not proud of ending the evening on a down note. It was not my intent. In fact, I had intended the opposite. But if someone had to point out that the Emperor wore no clothes, I am glad it was me.

Proud to be an American

Barack Obama, whose initials alone will preclude his ever being elected president of the United States, announced that he is formally exploring a run for the presidency in 2008. Like so many others I love BO. True, I know little of what he stands for, but that doesn’t matter. He is young, handsome, cool, hip, and black. For the moment that is plenty.

But as much as I am happy to raise my arms and shout, I love BO (is this joke getting stale?), I am even more happy to shout “I love America.” I am so proud to be an American. Yes, we are screwing up royally in Afghanistan, Iraq, Iran, Palestine, Syria, Darfur, and probably a dozen other places of which I am unaware, there is something very exciting going on as we move into the presidential race of 2008.

Look at the likely candidates from the Democratic Party alone: Hillary Clinton, a woman; Barack Obama, an African American; Bill Richardson, a Hispanic; John Edwards, a WASP. What other country has such diversity? If we could get Joe Liberman to run again and add a Native American to the mix, you would have to vote Democratic just to make history. Of course you couldn’t vote for Edwards, but we could make him a secretary of something or other.

Can you imagine a Native American and Jewish Joe winning the White House? They could pay off our national debt through casino and bingo winnings alone. And I would love to see a National Totem Pole next to the Nation’s Christmas Tree and Menorah.

But I’m serious: what other country could do this? Sure, Israel had Golda, India had Gandhi, and England had Maggie, but none of them was Hispanic. The fact that we can field a diverse slate of candidates like this says more about us than any foreign policy madness coming out of the White House.

I am deeply saddened by and angered over American foreign policy. But I am proud to be an American. I don’t think we can or should promote American values in other countries; I do think we have to protect our civil liberties in the face of an emerging American fascism hiding behind fear of Islamic terrorism and insane notions such as The War on Christmas. And I am proud that we have not abandoned our true values— not the narrow minded heretic hunting witch burning values of the Puritans, but the liberal values of the Enlightenment that laid set in motion a country that is devoted to putting the ax to sexism, racism, anti-Semitism, etc.

With our values in place, I am confident we can survive the last years of neo-con madness with our souls intact.

Taming the Taliban

Sometimes the cure is worse than the disease. In an essay by Dinesh D’Souza entitled “The America Terrorists Never See” (USA Today, Tuesday, January 23, 2007), Mr. D’Souza says that the only reason Muslim terrorists hate us is because of our decadent American values. Democracy and capitalism are OK and Islam isn’t really opposed to them. What Muslims hate and what Americans have to stop exporting is our wicked culture. If we want to win the hearts and minds of Muslim s abroad President Bush must highlight the America not portrayed by Hollywood or the music industry:

“He should not hesitate to speak out against American cultural exports that are shameless and corrupting. And America should promote traditional family values, not feminism and homosexual rights, in international forums like the United Nations.

“If traditional Muslims realized that there are millions of Americans who go to church, take care of their families, and live by traditional values, they would be less likely to view us or our leaders as the Great Satan, and fewer of them would be tempted to join the camp of the Islamic radicals.”

I read this with stunned disbelief. What Mr. D’Souza is suggesting is that we portray a Taliban-like America in order to win over the Taliban-like Muslim. It would go something like this:

Hey, look at us; we don’t give our women equal rights either! We make the mistake of allowing abortion, but we are trying to correct that. And we still don’t pay them as much as men, so we really are on the right track.

And, don’t worry about gays; we hate homos as much as you guys do. In America, we don’t even allow men to hold hands, and the Saudis do that, so we are even more homophobic— no need to fear us (unless of course you’re a closeted gay Muslim in which case we will beat your ass to prove to your straight Allah fearing neighbors that we are as tough and God fearing as they are).

Yeah, and we hate Hollywood! The only TV we really love is House on the Prairie and 24 (and those Muslims on the show are evil only because they don’t realize that we Americans love God and hate gays just like they do).

And music? If it weren’t for those godless liberals we’d burn people like Madonna. Look it up, those are the values our country was founded on. Good Christian values like burning people at the state, and pillorying unbelievers in the stockade, and exiling heretics from God-fearing colonies like Massachusetts.

And we love church. Sure our preachers say that Allah is a false god and Mohammed is a pedophile, but you say Jesus isn’t the biological son of God, and we known that’s not true. So let’s not quibble about the fact that you are going to burn in Hell for all eternity.

Yep, America isn’t the Great Satan, liberals are. So if you are going to set off a nuke in America do it in LA just like you did on 24. And don’t worry, this time we’ll send Jack Bower after the ACLU.

The Power of Juan

If you want to make money in the religion business you have got to start your own religion. I am fishing for some good ideas, and praying for God to guide me in this venture. As if in answer to my prayer, as I was watching a trailer for the movie called One, the Movie, I was struck with a revelation. God may be calling me to promote the Power of Juan.

Since I was sixteen I was convinced that God is one. Not simply one numerically, but the only one, all there is. Some forty years later I realize that I was wrong. I am not called to teach that God is one, but the truer belief that God is Juan:

HEAR O ISRAEL, THE LORD OUR GOD, THE LORD IS JUAN! THE LORD IS JUAN AND HIS NAME IS JUAN! BLESSED IS THE JUAN FOREVER AND EVER!

At last I realize the truth. But intellectual knowing is not enough. We need a practice of realizing the Juanness of all. This practice I call Juandering. It is a walking meditation practice incorporating the repetition of the Divine Name, Juan, leading to the state of Juanness, the state of being aware of the Juan in, with, and as all things. In addition thrice-daily prayer will be instituted were we ask God to make us Juan with everything.

Every faith needs a clergy, so I am creating the Holy Order of Juan, members of which will be called Juanitas. A bishop elected by the community itself will lead each local Juanita community. The bishop will be called Don Juan. Juanitas and their Don will gather on Day Juan of each week (Sunday to pagans) to Juander together through their respective neighborhoods singing praises to the Juan.

To help deepen our lives we will imitate the lives of saints. Chief among these is Jesus who taught that he and his Father are Juan. All of us can realize this as well.

Since we are all Juan we do not discriminate against women, homosexuals, beings of other species, or nature as a whole. There is also no room for infidels or the damned. There is simply Juan way to live: Juanderfully.

Of course a religion without an enemy lacks drama and that may make it more difficult to sell since there is no one to sell it to, so I single out those who have not yet realized the Juanness of all things. These people engage life from the state of Tunis, that state of mind that is not yet Juan and whole.

To promote my new faith I plan to film: “Juan, The Movie.” In it I travel the globe asking great religious leaders to speak of the Juan. As it becomes clear that each of these sages is committed to the Juan, I am certain that viewers of the film will join my faith and proclaim a new day of Juanness for all.

If you would like to become a Juanita and help develop this faith our most immediate need is for a logo and t-shirt. Then we will need a martyr. Let me know.

Yours in Juan,
Rami.

Heaven and Hell

I received email today from a newspaper reporter requesting that I respond to a series of questions on heaven and hell for an article he was writing. Given the limits of space, I imagine that he will not be able to print the whole of my remarks, so I thought I would share them with you here:

Before I can answer your questions, let me be very clear about my definitions of the words I will use.

First, God. God is the Source and Substance of all that is. God manifests as and transcends all reality. God is not other than creation, nor is God limited to creation.

Second, Self. The individual is a manifestation of God. We are to God as rays of sunlight are to the sun. Sunlight is simply the sun manifest in time and space. It is not other than the sun nor is it all of the sun. You and I are rays of God. We are not all of God, nor are we other than God. This is what the Bible means when it says we are created in the image and likeness of God.

When you know who you are as the image and likeness of God you live from love with love. You embrace each moment with gratitude, and each being with justice and compassion. Living this way is heaven. Living any other way is hell.

So now let me turn to your questions:

1. Is there a heaven or hell?

Heaven and hell are states of mind. The first I call mochin d’gadlut, spacious mind, and the second mochin d’katnut, narrow mind.

When we are in spacious mind we are awake to God in, with, and as all reality; we identify with all life, and find ourselves embraced by and living from ahava rabba, infinite love. In spacious mind there is no Jew or Gentile, male or female, slave or free, saved or damned. There is only God manifest in infinite variety. In spacious mind we live freely, lovingly, fearlessly, with compassion and hospitality toward all we meet. This is heaven.

When we are in narrow mind we are locked in the prison of ego, and imagine ourselves to be separate from God and creation. We live in perpetual fear, and engage life without trust, love, and compassion. In narrow mind we divide and judge, calling some chosen or saved and others infidels or damned. In narrow mind differences, God’s infinite creativity, scare us, and we worship the idol of conformity. In narrow mind we imagine ourselves to be alone, afraid, and adrift. This is hell.

We move into and out of heaven and hell depending on our state of mind. The purpose of authentic spiritual practice is to open us to heaven and spacious mind. Too often, however, we worship at the altar of ego and end up in the hell of narrow mind. It has nothing to do with God rewarding or punishing us. It has everything to do with our willingness to see what is true.

2. Where do people go after they die?

The question assumes something about people that I do not assume: namely that we are entities separate from God and can therefore “go” somewhere. I do not believe this.

I am to God as a wave to the ocean. Each wave is unique and distinct, yet all waves are nothing other than the ocean in which they arise. Each being is unique and distinct, and yet not other than God who is all that is.

When a wave “dies” it simply returns to its truest nature; it becomes what it always was—the ocean. When I die, I simply return to my true nature, God. Do I “go” anywhere? No. There is nowhere to go. There is only God here, now, as me, as you, as all things rising and falling.

For people who believe that death is the doorway to heaven or hell, eternal reward or punishment, death matters. To me death does not matter. Life and how I live it matters. Death takes care of itself.

3. Why do you believe this?

I believe what I believe because of my experiences in meditation and prayer. I am not moved by doctrine or creed. I am not moved by another’s opinion, or by a teaching in a book, no matter how old or revered. There are many holy books and they say different and often contradictory things. How am I to choose which is true? I prefer to test matters for myself: to look and see what is so. In this I follow the advice of the Bible: be still and know. When I am still, when my narrow mind stops racing from distraction to distraction, I slip into spacious mind and know that God is all.

4. Describe your understanding of what is in heaven and hell.

Given that for me heaven and hell are states of mind here and now, what is in heaven is not different from what is in hell. The difference between heaven and hell is not content, but my relationship to that content.

In both heaven and hell, reality presents itself: there is you, and me, and everything else. When I am in the heavenly state of spacious mind I engage reality with absolute trust, love, compassion, justice, and equanimity. When I am in the hellish state of narrow mind I engage the same reality with absolute terror, anger, defensiveness, and violence. The reality doesn’t change. I change.

You can always tell when you and others are in heaven: you are fearless, loving, welcoming, and kind. You can always tell when you and others are in hell: you are afraid, cruel, divisive, and abusive.

5. Describe your understanding of who will be in heaven and who in hell.

We are all in heaven sometimes and we are in hell sometimes. To the extent that you know you are a manifestation of God, you are in heaven. To the extent that you imagine you are separate from God, you are in hell.

6. How do people get into heaven or hell?

We fall into the mind state of hell through ignorance of what is. We fall into the mind state of heaven by awakening to the awareness of what is.

When we are in hell we are like a man who wakes in the middle of the night to find a poisonous snake coiled next to his leg at the foot of his bed. All night long he lies awake, frozen in terror, praying with all his might that the snake not bite him. As dawn breaks he suddenly sees that the “snake” was no snake at all, but a belt that he forgot to put away when he went to bed. Once he knows the truth, the snake is gone, the fear is gone, and he is filled with joy and relief. This is heaven. The “snake” is the notion that you are other than God. Wake up and you are in heaven. Stay asleep and you are in hell. It is your choice.

Dalit Delete

Despite the fact that India’s constitution abolished the Dalit or Untouchable “caste “ (technically Dalit is not one of the four castes— Priests, Warriors, Merchants, and Laborers) in 1950, millions of Hindus still suffer the harsh indignities of Dalit membership. Within the Hinduism that supports the caste and out-caste system, the best a good Dalit can hope for is to merit rebirth as a member of a higher caste by submitting quietly to the horrors of Dalit life. This is a flawless system of social control.

While rebirth may provide hope for many Dalit, millions of other Untouchables have found a way of raising their status in this life: they are converting to Buddhism. Buddhism has no caste system, and by becoming a Buddhist a Dalit ceases to be a Dalit. Last October alone almost 200,000 Dalit Hindus became Buddhists thus saving themselves potentially countless lifetimes working their way up the Hindu ladder of success.

This got me thinking. If Hindus can by-pass the negative side of their religion by changing teams, why can’t the rest of us? If you are a Doubting Thomas Christian, for example, and just cannot be certain that your faith is strong enough to secure you a place in Heaven, why not become a Jew? As a Jew you can measure your success by tallying how many good deeds and religious obligations you do versus what a schmuck you are. A single good deed can tip an otherwise balanced scale and get you into heaven. Deeds, unlike faith, are something under your control; so make the switch.

Or if you a Jew who can’t shake the notion that Moses invented the whole commandment thing, why not become a Taoist and seek to live in harmony with nature? Or you may be a Muslim with a thirst for alcohol. No problem, become a Catholic and drink away. Or you could just skip the whole mess and become an atheist. If there is no God there is no need to placate him or follow his social mores.

All of this jumping ship suggests, however, that no religion or lack there of really matters. If we can change religions to avoid what we don’t like in one or prefer in another, we have to admit that it is we, and not God, who is deciding what is and is not true. Who would convert from the Truth and a seat in Heaven to swear allegiance to falsehood and get yourself damned to Hell? Yet people change religions all the time without ever really knowing which if any of them is true.

We choose to believe what we choose to believe because it makes sense to us to believe it, and not because we know for certain that it is in fact true. If this is so, and it is, you should take a close look at the religion you say you believe in and see if in fact you do believe in it. If you don’t, why not switch? But even if you do believe in the teachings of your religion, don’t take it too seriously: after all what do you know for certain anyway?

T-Shirts for the Apocalypse

Saturday’s Jesus t-shirts (see my previous blog) got me thinking: Why not market a series of religious t’s that would unabashedly promote specific religions as these two Jesus t-shirts promote Christianity?

The more I thought about, the more I realized that while I have seen t-shirts with symbols of other faiths emblazoned on them, I have never seen a shirt that actually promoted another faith. I went on line to double-check this, and while my survey was anything but scientific, I could not find a single shirt shouting, “Be a Sikh” the way so many Jesus shirts shout, “Be a Christian.”

So the only thing left to do is design my own. I have no real interest in getting into the t-shirt business, but I want to offer a little pump priming for those of you who might be so inclined as to create and market a line of in-your-face religious t-shirts. So here are some shirt ideas I came up with. Please feel free to add your own in the comments section of the Blogger version of Toto.

Shak-T (Pro-Hindu)

1. (Under an image of the blue God, Krishna:) “You don’t have to be bluish to
love Krishna”
2. (Under the same image:) “Go Blue!”
3. “Born again? Big deal! Why Not Be Born Over and Over Again?”

T-of-Life (Pro-Judaism)

1. “God’s Chosen. Can’t Beat That!”
2. “Jesus may be your Christ, but he’s my cousin.”

T-had (Pro-Islam)

1. “Submit! It’s What We Do.”
2. “Everyone comes to Allah Sunni or later.”
3. (Front:) “99 Names of God” (Back:) “and not one of them is Jesus”
4. (Under a picture of the Kaaba:) “Dare to be Square.”

T-Cup (Pro-Catholic)

1. (Beneath an image of the Holy Grail:) “Obey Your Thirst!”

Anyway, I hope you get the idea. If you come up with an award winning design and make millions selling it, just don’t forget to send me one.