Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Because You Asked

I am often asked for my opinion on matters about which I know nothing. Because I write a blog people assume I know stuff. Well I am happy to oblige. Here are some of my opinions on the pressing issues of the day.

Single Payer Healthcare. I am totally in favor of single payer healthcare as long as the single person doing the paying isn’t me. I suggest we choose a person with lots of money, because I think health care is very expensive, and if he or she is going to pay for all of our healthcare, having lots of money is crucial.

A Two-State Solution. I am totally opposed to a two-state solution. There is no point, for example, to having a North and South Dakota. And why is there a West Virginia next to Virginia when there is no East Virginia? As for applying the two-state solution to Israel, I think this is a good idea. There should be a 13th Century Israel for the Orthodox Jews and a 21st Century Israel for the secular Jews. Let the religious defend themselves and their settlements. Tefillin make great bolos.

Abortion on Demand. I am totally opposed to abortion on demand. Can you imagine some misanthrope passing a pregnant woman on the street and demanding she have an abortion? This is taking individual rights too far.

Nuclear Disarmament. I am totally opposed to nuclear disarmament. If every country, ethnic group, and religious faction had these weapons no one would use them. Or if someone did use them the others would annihilate them in seconds. Peace through strength!

Guns in Public Places. I am totally in favor of guns in public places. I would make gun toting mandatory for everyone over the age of 12. The more guns we have the safer we will be. Just imagine some coked-up 12-year-old shooting up a Chucky Cheese. He’d get off two or three rounds at most before parents and kids around the restaurant would kill him and the other kids at his birthday party. But if he were the only one with a gun and we had to wait for the police to arrive lots more kids would be killed and our dinners ruined.

Nude Bathing. I am totally in favor of nude bathing. Who wants to take a bath with their clothes on?

Gay Marriage. I am totally in favor of gay marriage, why get married if you’re not happy?

Anti-Semitism. I am totally in favor of Anti-Semitism. It is the only thing that keeps nonreligious Jews in the fold. I am petitioning Dan Brown to write a book about how the Elders of Zion control the IMF, banks, media, the USA, and the Vatican. Tom Hanks would star.

So now that you have read my opinions on these pressing matters, I hope you will trust other bloggers to reveal the truth. After all, it is what we do.


Maggid said...

You Totally Make My Day -

Di said...

I must respond individually to some of your comments:

Two State Solution - thank you for not mentioning North and South Carolina. I live in the former and we all know that South Carolina is the much dumber state.

Abortion on Demand - this would be particularly upsetting for me as I donated my uterus to science 4 years ago.

Guns in Public Places - the little known secret is that at least half of the parents gunned down would consider it a blessing...being put out of the misery of being at Chuckie Cheese in the first place!

Nude Bathing - sorry, I'm a shower person.

I wonder if you might take a minute to read my post today on our newspaper's website. I would appreciate your insight on my ponderings about death...now if that's not an enticement, then I'll tell you it is really about how men should be required to sleep with women no older than half their age:


Patti said...

Hi Di,
I read your posting and enjoyed it! Very funny and well written. It also caught my eye because I now live in a little town outside of Utica, NY.

If you are as serious about your spiritual walk as you are funny, I suggest you read Rami's book "The Way of Solomon." It is in two parts, don't miss the second, it changed the way I looked at all my "worries".

The ideas put forth in that book got me through both of my sons being deployed in the Army at once. It took me a long time to read it because it is shockingly different from any other interpretation of Ecclesiastes I had ever heard. I had to keep stopping to readjust and assimilate the ideas into my life. Amazing stuff!

I look forward to reading your posting on the Mom2Mom page.

Rabbi Rami said...

Hi Patti and Di,

I too read your essay, Di, and found it very well done and thoughtful. And thanks to you, Patti, for the plug for Way of Solomon.

AaronHerschel said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
AaronHerschel said...

I tend to agree that every nation ought to have access to nukes. Actually, I would go further. Using the second amendment as a prompt, I suggest we arm every individual with nukes. After all, the right to bear arms is tied to the idea that "the people" should overthrow their gov't if said gov't ceases to serve their interests. Since there is no way to do this without armed conflict, we should make sure that the weapons capabalities of the people remain on par with those of the State. Extending this right to the people of the world just seems like fair play to me. It would be MAD on a truly maddening scale.