Friday, November 02, 2007

Panties for Peace

Whenever I walk by a Victoria’s Secret store I feel sapped of male energy. Women’s underwear to me is what Kryptonite is to Superman. (The green kind, not the red.) I often suspect that this is the “secret” Victoria is keeping from us: women’s underwear is hazardous to men’s health.

For years I thought I was alone in this; in fact it was fear of having panties and bras thrown at me while on stage that prevented me from pursuing a career as a rock star. That and the fact that I suck at playing music, but mostly the panties.

Recently, however, I have discovered that I am not insane, only Burmese. It seems that the men of Myanmar (formerly Burma) believe that coming into contact with women’s underwear saps their strength. Damn straight! Of course I should make it clear that they are talking about women’s underwear sans women. I have no idea what the men of Myanmar experience when they see women wearing underwear. Personally I find women’s underwear with women in them far less frightening than women’s underwear without women in them. I suspect this is true of Myanmar men as well.

Anyway, now that the truth is out regarding the lethal power of panties and bras, a global network is forming to exploit it. People all over the world are shipping packages of panties and bras to Myanmar’s embassies hoping to topple the junta by sapping the strength of the men as then open the packages. This is like sending anthrax to congress people and newscasters, but trust me, women’s underwear is far easier to get.

Ordinarily I shy away from such violence, and given the fact that panties are dangerous to men I hesitate to suggest that men and women join in this effort for fear that men will suffer from handling the underwear, but the junta in Myanmar is evil and the Buddhist priests can’t defeat them alone. Especially since they, too, have no immunity against women’s underwear.

So, tossing caution to the wind, I am forming the Thongalese Liberation Front for the Liberation of Myanmar (TLFFTLOM), urging all my readers to join the “Panties for Peace” campaign and send women’s underwear to the Myanmar embassy nearest you.

Here are some slogans you might incorporate into your mailing: “Lift and Separate: Free the People of Myanmar!” “Thongs for the Memories: Don’t Forget Myanmar!” “Be BRAve!” “BRAvo Buddhists!” “Throw the Panty-loons Out!”

As the CEO of TLFFTLOM I am trying to contact the president of Victoria’s Secret to enlist the support of the company in making public service announcements showing Victoria Secret models taking off their underwear and throwing it at Myanmar embassy officials. But don’t wait for me. Approach your local Victoria’s Secret and speak to the manager about working with you to free the people of Myanmar.

[Warning to men. Do not handle women’s underwear without protection. I am pretty certain the power sapping capacity of the underwear cannot penetrate lead, so you might want to wear colored plastic gloves and aprons made in China.]

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