Is it me, or does Pope Benedict have it in for Jews? I’ll let you decide. Here are the facts as I choose to understand them:
1. When he was a kid the Pope belonged to Hitler Youth. According to my research he even won a merit badge for selling more yellow stars to Jews then any other Nazi kid. True he threatened to have them shot if they didn’t buy his stars, but, hey, the kid’s got moxie.
2. The Pope defends the sainthood of Pope Pius XII who Jews believe could have done more to stop the Nazi genocide against Jews. To his credit Pope Pius did consider withholding communion from Adolph Hitler until he found out Hitler was pro-life. He settled instead for writing his opposition to the mass murder of six million Jews in his diary which the Vatican refuses to release to the public—a girl deserves her privacy.
3. The Pope brought back the old Latin mass in which Catholics pray for the conversion of Jews. Jews by the way never pray for the conversion of Catholics. The last thing we need is more overweight men wearing satin beanies. I'm told by Vatican sources that in the underside of their skull caps is printed "Barry Horowitz' Bar Mitzvah."
4. The Pope has welcomed a noted Holocaust denier back into the fold of Catholic Bishops. This anti-Semitic Bishop, Richard Williamson, believes that the Nazis never ran gas chambers and at the most murdered 300,000 Jews and not the 6,000,000,000 as most nonNazi Catholics believe. Further he believes these Jews died in a bratwurst-eating contest held by Hitler in honor of the Jewish holy day of Purim. Gas killed them but it was internal and gastronomic, and not piped in to gas chambers. And, speaking of chambers, Bishop Williamson denial of same has nothing to do with the fact that he hates Jews (after all we killed his God, who wouldn’t hate us?), and everything to do with his being British.
When Brits speak of chambers they are referring to the chambers of Parliament. When he says the Nazis had no gas chambers he is referring to the fact that the Nazis did not have a British style of government where gaseous politicians fill chambers with idle yelling and odd gutter sounds.
As regards the Bishop’s insistence that the number of Jews murdered by the Nazis is 1/2000th of the number recognized by all scholars who are neither Nazis nor Iranians, the fact is Bishop Williamson suffers from a rare numerological disorder that causes him to see everything as 1/2000th the size of what it really is. This is something he was born with and he probably has no idea he suffers from this disorder.
A recent diagnostic test performed on the Bishop proves this. Vatican scientists had Bishop Williamson count 2000 wafers used in the Catholic Mass. He counted all two thousand but when asked how many there were he reported the total as just one. He counted them several times and each time insisted that there was only one wafer. You can actually check this out for yourself: There are 600,000 members of the Bishop Williamson’s Society of Saint Pius X (no relation to Malcolm). Write Bishop Williamson a letter, and ask him how many members he has, and he will insist it is 300. He can’t help himself; there is something wrong with his brain.
So, is Pope Benedict anti-Jew? No, I don’t think so. He is just pro-Catholic. Asking the Pope to care about Jews and the feelings of Jews and the future of anti-Semitism is like asking the CEO of Coke to care about the success of Pepsi. Its all about market share and competition. Of course people get hurt, but you can’t make an omelet without breaking a few eggs, and if by “few” you mean six million and if by “eggs” you mean Jews, well it’s still an omelet and that’s what matters.
Friday, January 30, 2009
Sunday, January 25, 2009
Praise the Lord and Pass the Satire
I watched Barack Hussein Obama take the oath of office on a giant image projected on a wall. It was the third day of a weeklong interspiritual retreat sponsored by the Spiritual Paths Institute, and the room was filled with seekers from every major religious tradition.
We sat in silence as the camera managed to capture the full visage of the soon-to-be 44th President of the United States. He was tall, slender, draped in a wool coat reaching well below his knees. It was an awe-inspiring picture. Then from the back of the room in a voice so clear, shocked, and surprised as to call us out of our hushed reverie someone called out, “My God! He’s black!”
That someone of course was me. For some reason I cannot abide seriousness for long. It isn’t that I see everything as a joke, but that I see a joke in everything. For some reason I put my faith in humor rather than history. I am not an atheist, but I find religion more silly than serious: Praise the Lord, and pass the satire.
To the credit of our students and the Spiritual Paths faculty, the room erupted in laughter at my comment. I don’t think it broke the mood, and I’d like to think it allowed the mood to deepen. I wish I could say that is why I said what I did, but it wasn’t. I said what I said because I thought it was funny. When the words entered my mind I laughed inwardly and just had to know if it worked as well when spoken aloud. It did. I was lucky. This time.
Sometimes the jokes are just so esoteric that only God laughs. Sometimes they are so stupid that only I laugh. I always laugh; sometimes at the joke, sometimes at the fact that joke fell flat.
It was hard to laugh these last eight years. Sneer yes; scoff of course, and satire you betcha. But authentic laughter, laughter that comes from a place of trust and hope rather than fear and anger has been in short supply. Authentic laughter is liberating, it breaks up fear the way Liquid Plumber unclogs a drain. It is impossible to control a people who insist upon the freedom to laugh, which is why dictators and politically empowered clerics are quick to ban humor especially when aimed at themselves.
If it were up to me we would add a cabinet post to the government called The Secretary of Spiritual Health and Humor Services whose job would be to promote comedians, cartoonists, and clowns to continually skewer the sacred cows of piety and politics, and to see that the nation never forgets how to laugh itself free of the madness that passes for truth no matter who in the Oval Office.
We sat in silence as the camera managed to capture the full visage of the soon-to-be 44th President of the United States. He was tall, slender, draped in a wool coat reaching well below his knees. It was an awe-inspiring picture. Then from the back of the room in a voice so clear, shocked, and surprised as to call us out of our hushed reverie someone called out, “My God! He’s black!”
That someone of course was me. For some reason I cannot abide seriousness for long. It isn’t that I see everything as a joke, but that I see a joke in everything. For some reason I put my faith in humor rather than history. I am not an atheist, but I find religion more silly than serious: Praise the Lord, and pass the satire.
To the credit of our students and the Spiritual Paths faculty, the room erupted in laughter at my comment. I don’t think it broke the mood, and I’d like to think it allowed the mood to deepen. I wish I could say that is why I said what I did, but it wasn’t. I said what I said because I thought it was funny. When the words entered my mind I laughed inwardly and just had to know if it worked as well when spoken aloud. It did. I was lucky. This time.
Sometimes the jokes are just so esoteric that only God laughs. Sometimes they are so stupid that only I laugh. I always laugh; sometimes at the joke, sometimes at the fact that joke fell flat.
It was hard to laugh these last eight years. Sneer yes; scoff of course, and satire you betcha. But authentic laughter, laughter that comes from a place of trust and hope rather than fear and anger has been in short supply. Authentic laughter is liberating, it breaks up fear the way Liquid Plumber unclogs a drain. It is impossible to control a people who insist upon the freedom to laugh, which is why dictators and politically empowered clerics are quick to ban humor especially when aimed at themselves.
If it were up to me we would add a cabinet post to the government called The Secretary of Spiritual Health and Humor Services whose job would be to promote comedians, cartoonists, and clowns to continually skewer the sacred cows of piety and politics, and to see that the nation never forgets how to laugh itself free of the madness that passes for truth no matter who in the Oval Office.
Thursday, January 22, 2009
Knocking on Heaven's Door
Albert Mohler, president of the Southern Baptist Theological Seminary in Louisville, says American Evangelical Christians are in the midst of a “theological crisis.” At best, the crisis represents a major failure in Evangelical education; at worst, Rev. Mohler said, it represents a “repudiation of the Gospel.”
Strong talk. So what is this monumental crisis that so threatens Christendom? It is the fact that 52% of American Christians believe that non-Christians can get into heaven when they die.
The numbers come from a Pew follow-up survey run to double check an earlier survey they ran a few months ago. Critics of the first survey said that the original finding that 70% of Americans believed people of different faiths could get into heaven argued that this couldn’t be true among Christians. The new survey proved them wrong.
74% of non-Hispanic Catholics believe Heaven is open to nonChristians, as do 70% of white mainline Protestants.
Still holding the line, or better barring the door, are African Americans and white evangelical Protestants. 60% of Black Christians believe that Heaven lacks an Affirmative Action program and promotes a zero-tolerance policy when it comes to people of faiths other than their own, and 66% of white evangelicals hold to the hope that Heaven is a restricted country club.
But that still leaves over a third of both groups who do have an open-door vision of Heaven, and that should be enough to worry any old school believer in Jesus as the only way to Heaven.
I sympathize with the old-schoolers. Letting nonbelievers into Heaven is like letting nonJews into the Chosen People’s Party. Well that isn’t going to happen. We didn’t put up with exile, expulsions, Inquisitions, pogroms, and genocide for nothing. We suffer because God loves us best! In fact that’s how we know He loves us best: He lets people beat the crap out of us! And if they don’t do it, then He does it Himself. What a God.
I’m not ready to accept this survey without asking a few questions first: Like where are all the Hispanics? Why survey only non-Hispanic Catholics and Protestants? Did they do this survey on Cinco de Mayo or something? And why are black people so eager to keep other people out of heaven? You’d think they’d feel awkward sitting in Heaven’s Diner under a sign that said No Jews or Hindus Allowed.
Anyway, I’m sorry more and more Christians are becoming more open-minded. If they start teaching that anyone who lives a righteous life has a place in Heaven there won’t be much to separate them from us Jews, and then they might put pressure on us to let them into our members only Chosen People’s club. It’s easy for Jews to discriminate against Christians when Christians discriminate against us, but if they change we might have to change as well, and then everyone will be Chosen and then there won’t be anything cool about it. When everyone can wear Dolce & Gabbana it just isn’t Dolce & Gabbana anymore.
So please, Christians, get some backbone and bar those pearly gates to the nonbeliever. And if Peter won’t keep the riffraff on the other side of the velvet rope maybe it’s time to promote Torquemada.
Strong talk. So what is this monumental crisis that so threatens Christendom? It is the fact that 52% of American Christians believe that non-Christians can get into heaven when they die.
The numbers come from a Pew follow-up survey run to double check an earlier survey they ran a few months ago. Critics of the first survey said that the original finding that 70% of Americans believed people of different faiths could get into heaven argued that this couldn’t be true among Christians. The new survey proved them wrong.
74% of non-Hispanic Catholics believe Heaven is open to nonChristians, as do 70% of white mainline Protestants.
Still holding the line, or better barring the door, are African Americans and white evangelical Protestants. 60% of Black Christians believe that Heaven lacks an Affirmative Action program and promotes a zero-tolerance policy when it comes to people of faiths other than their own, and 66% of white evangelicals hold to the hope that Heaven is a restricted country club.
But that still leaves over a third of both groups who do have an open-door vision of Heaven, and that should be enough to worry any old school believer in Jesus as the only way to Heaven.
I sympathize with the old-schoolers. Letting nonbelievers into Heaven is like letting nonJews into the Chosen People’s Party. Well that isn’t going to happen. We didn’t put up with exile, expulsions, Inquisitions, pogroms, and genocide for nothing. We suffer because God loves us best! In fact that’s how we know He loves us best: He lets people beat the crap out of us! And if they don’t do it, then He does it Himself. What a God.
I’m not ready to accept this survey without asking a few questions first: Like where are all the Hispanics? Why survey only non-Hispanic Catholics and Protestants? Did they do this survey on Cinco de Mayo or something? And why are black people so eager to keep other people out of heaven? You’d think they’d feel awkward sitting in Heaven’s Diner under a sign that said No Jews or Hindus Allowed.
Anyway, I’m sorry more and more Christians are becoming more open-minded. If they start teaching that anyone who lives a righteous life has a place in Heaven there won’t be much to separate them from us Jews, and then they might put pressure on us to let them into our members only Chosen People’s club. It’s easy for Jews to discriminate against Christians when Christians discriminate against us, but if they change we might have to change as well, and then everyone will be Chosen and then there won’t be anything cool about it. When everyone can wear Dolce & Gabbana it just isn’t Dolce & Gabbana anymore.
So please, Christians, get some backbone and bar those pearly gates to the nonbeliever. And if Peter won’t keep the riffraff on the other side of the velvet rope maybe it’s time to promote Torquemada.
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
Unfettered Hope
I pride myself in being rational. I pride myself in being realistic. And sometimes I hide from hope behind a veil of fearful sarcasm and jaded wisdom. But not today.
Today I watched President Obama take the oath of office. Today I watched a church filled with little black kids watch as two other little black kids prepare to move into the White House. Today I heard the call of my president to be what Americans are supposed to be: just, bold, compassionate, strong, and forever laboring in the fields of freedom. Today I cried as the oath was taken and again as Aretha sang, and again as the National Anthem was sung.
Today is not a day for fear or sarcasm. Today is a day for unfettered hope. God will bless America and all the world.
Today I watched President Obama take the oath of office. Today I watched a church filled with little black kids watch as two other little black kids prepare to move into the White House. Today I heard the call of my president to be what Americans are supposed to be: just, bold, compassionate, strong, and forever laboring in the fields of freedom. Today I cried as the oath was taken and again as Aretha sang, and again as the National Anthem was sung.
Today is not a day for fear or sarcasm. Today is a day for unfettered hope. God will bless America and all the world.
Friday, January 16, 2009
Giddy Over Gideon
This is the 110th anniversary of the Gideons, “an interdenominational association of Christian business and professional men who are members of Protestant/evangelical churches. Our members are dedicated to saving the lost through personal witnessing and the distribution of God's Word in more than 180 countries around the world.” These are the people who put Bibles in millions of hotel rooms around the world. I am a huge fan.
First I love the Bible, or at least those few lines that I consider compelling. Second, I can’t recount the number of times when I needed to look up a biblical passage during one of my weekend Bible seminars only to find I had forgotten to pack my own Bible. No worries, mate. Just open a drawer in a hotel room and voila! A Gideon Bible! True it is a Protestant Bible and therefore lacks some of the cooler books found only in Catholic and Orthodox Bibles, but it is better than nothing.
The idea for donating Bibles to hotels came to John H. Nicholson and Samuel E. Hill (who, I think, was already famous for coining the phrase “What in Sam Hill is going on around here?”) in the last years of the 19th century. The two men met in the autumn of 1898 at the Central Hotel in Boscobel, Wisconsin where they were forced to share a room due to overcrowding. I have no idea why there was not enough room at the inn, but it could have been because the town was about to launch its two most success franchises: Bosco chocolate syrup and Boscobel Mexican restaurants. The latter eventually changed its name to Tacobel and its slogan from “North of the Border” to “South of the Border.”
Exactly how it happened I don’t know, but I suspect the two men sharing a hotel room feared what most men forced to share a hotel room with other men fear: uncontrollable homoerotic urges, and needed to find a Bible to save them from their fantasies. Not finding one and wishing to save other men who might someday find themselves in this situation, the two men decided that no hotel room should ever be without a Bible. I agree. I would just put a pack of condoms alongside the Holy Book as well. I’m pro-life.
In any case, they created the Gideon organization in 1899, and it wasn’t long before hotels around the world started stocking their rooms with Gideon Bibles. The rest, as they say, is pre-apocalyptic history. But the world has changed since 1899. Two men sharing a hotel room is no longer a frightening ordeal, and the Bible is no longer the only world scripture worthy of hotel rooms.
Two years ago I was hired by Scarritt-Bennett, a fabulous 130 bed Nashville retreat center, to write a world scripture with commentary that would be published in small quarterly pamphlets and placed in their rooms alongside the Bible. With the collapse of the economy, the project came to an end, but the need for a World Bible is more pressing then ever. What we need is an Ethical Scripture drawn from the World’s Religions, an anthology of 365 daily readings that could be produced cheaply and donated to hotels around the world. At first the Book would be written in English, but I envision translating the book into Gaelic as well. Unfortunately I can’t afford to hire myself for this project. If you know people who can, please put them in touch with me. If you don’t, start sending pairs of men to stay in hotel rooms together and see what comes up.
First I love the Bible, or at least those few lines that I consider compelling. Second, I can’t recount the number of times when I needed to look up a biblical passage during one of my weekend Bible seminars only to find I had forgotten to pack my own Bible. No worries, mate. Just open a drawer in a hotel room and voila! A Gideon Bible! True it is a Protestant Bible and therefore lacks some of the cooler books found only in Catholic and Orthodox Bibles, but it is better than nothing.
The idea for donating Bibles to hotels came to John H. Nicholson and Samuel E. Hill (who, I think, was already famous for coining the phrase “What in Sam Hill is going on around here?”) in the last years of the 19th century. The two men met in the autumn of 1898 at the Central Hotel in Boscobel, Wisconsin where they were forced to share a room due to overcrowding. I have no idea why there was not enough room at the inn, but it could have been because the town was about to launch its two most success franchises: Bosco chocolate syrup and Boscobel Mexican restaurants. The latter eventually changed its name to Tacobel and its slogan from “North of the Border” to “South of the Border.”
Exactly how it happened I don’t know, but I suspect the two men sharing a hotel room feared what most men forced to share a hotel room with other men fear: uncontrollable homoerotic urges, and needed to find a Bible to save them from their fantasies. Not finding one and wishing to save other men who might someday find themselves in this situation, the two men decided that no hotel room should ever be without a Bible. I agree. I would just put a pack of condoms alongside the Holy Book as well. I’m pro-life.
In any case, they created the Gideon organization in 1899, and it wasn’t long before hotels around the world started stocking their rooms with Gideon Bibles. The rest, as they say, is pre-apocalyptic history. But the world has changed since 1899. Two men sharing a hotel room is no longer a frightening ordeal, and the Bible is no longer the only world scripture worthy of hotel rooms.
Two years ago I was hired by Scarritt-Bennett, a fabulous 130 bed Nashville retreat center, to write a world scripture with commentary that would be published in small quarterly pamphlets and placed in their rooms alongside the Bible. With the collapse of the economy, the project came to an end, but the need for a World Bible is more pressing then ever. What we need is an Ethical Scripture drawn from the World’s Religions, an anthology of 365 daily readings that could be produced cheaply and donated to hotels around the world. At first the Book would be written in English, but I envision translating the book into Gaelic as well. Unfortunately I can’t afford to hire myself for this project. If you know people who can, please put them in touch with me. If you don’t, start sending pairs of men to stay in hotel rooms together and see what comes up.
Monday, January 12, 2009
An Open Letter to My Muslim Neighbors
I had hoped to publish a version of this letter in our local newspaper, but that never happened. I tried contacting my local Islamic Center several times, but they have not returned either phone calls or emails. Still I would like someone to read this, so you are it.
An Open Letter to My Muslim Neighbors
My heart is broken over the tragedy of Gaza. With you I am sickened by the mounting death toll and the rising number of wounded. And as a Jew who loves Israel I am sourly troubled by the fate of both our peoples.
I have friends in Israel living under daily threat of Hamas bombings, and yet I do not pretend to know the fear and anger that may be tearing at your hearts as well. I have been to Israel many times, and I take great pride in her creativity and democracy. I have also visited Palestine and feel deep sorrow over the harsh conditions imposed by Israeli occupation. I love my people and celebrate her accomplishments, but that cannot blind me to the pain and suffering her policies cause.
There is anger, frustration, and hatred running so deep in the fabric of so many lives in the Middle East that it is easy to excuse one side and demonize the other. But to do so only perpetuates the madness into which so much of the Middle East is spiraling.
The horror of violence, the injustice of occupation, the wickedness of terror, and even the faintest promise of peace and reconciliation should motivate Jews and Muslims to reach out to one another, to come together to share our fears, our grief, our anger, and our hope, and to discover in this sharing a common humanity that can provide us with a foundation for cooperation.
As children of Abraham, Hagar, and Sarah Arabs and Jews are blood cousins, sharing a common call to justice. As Jews and Muslims we are spiritual cousins, sharing a common vision of Allah/Yah as The Merciful, and The Compassionate. Compassion is at the root of both our traditions because compassion is at the heart of God. Justice and compassion together are what Judaism and Islam are all about. It must be what we Jews and Muslims are about as well.
I am sending you this letter as a gesture of friendship. I extend open hands and not clenched fists. I ask that whatever insanity takes hold in the Middle East you and I maintain sanity; that whatever evil is perpetrated in the name of God you and I see such acts as blasphemy; that no matter what words are used to excuse injustice, violence, terror, and exploitation you and I will not be taken in by them and will continue to stand for justice; that no matter how hard hearts become, you and I will forever soften them with compassion.
The Prophet Moses (PBUH) taught, “Justice, justice you shall pursue” (Deuteronomy 16:20). Let us pursue it together.
An Open Letter to My Muslim Neighbors
My heart is broken over the tragedy of Gaza. With you I am sickened by the mounting death toll and the rising number of wounded. And as a Jew who loves Israel I am sourly troubled by the fate of both our peoples.
I have friends in Israel living under daily threat of Hamas bombings, and yet I do not pretend to know the fear and anger that may be tearing at your hearts as well. I have been to Israel many times, and I take great pride in her creativity and democracy. I have also visited Palestine and feel deep sorrow over the harsh conditions imposed by Israeli occupation. I love my people and celebrate her accomplishments, but that cannot blind me to the pain and suffering her policies cause.
There is anger, frustration, and hatred running so deep in the fabric of so many lives in the Middle East that it is easy to excuse one side and demonize the other. But to do so only perpetuates the madness into which so much of the Middle East is spiraling.
The horror of violence, the injustice of occupation, the wickedness of terror, and even the faintest promise of peace and reconciliation should motivate Jews and Muslims to reach out to one another, to come together to share our fears, our grief, our anger, and our hope, and to discover in this sharing a common humanity that can provide us with a foundation for cooperation.
As children of Abraham, Hagar, and Sarah Arabs and Jews are blood cousins, sharing a common call to justice. As Jews and Muslims we are spiritual cousins, sharing a common vision of Allah/Yah as The Merciful, and The Compassionate. Compassion is at the root of both our traditions because compassion is at the heart of God. Justice and compassion together are what Judaism and Islam are all about. It must be what we Jews and Muslims are about as well.
I am sending you this letter as a gesture of friendship. I extend open hands and not clenched fists. I ask that whatever insanity takes hold in the Middle East you and I maintain sanity; that whatever evil is perpetrated in the name of God you and I see such acts as blasphemy; that no matter what words are used to excuse injustice, violence, terror, and exploitation you and I will not be taken in by them and will continue to stand for justice; that no matter how hard hearts become, you and I will forever soften them with compassion.
The Prophet Moses (PBUH) taught, “Justice, justice you shall pursue” (Deuteronomy 16:20). Let us pursue it together.
Friday, January 09, 2009
So Help Me God
With all the challenges facing the nation as Barack Obama prepares to take the oath of office I almost forgot the most important one of all—the oath of office itself! On January 20th Mr. Obama will take the oath and conclude it with these fateful words: “So help me God,” and with that the democracy in these somewhat United States crumbles.
Or at least that seems to be the concern of one group of atheists that is trying to have the phrase banned from the proceedings.
It is thought that George Washington added these four words to the oath in a moment of impromptu piety. Contemporary scholars argue that there is no eyewitness account of Washington saying this, and that the earliest eyewitness account of any president using this phrase is from the New York Time’s report on the 1881 inauguration of Chester Arthur. My own research into the matter suggests that Washington actually concluded his remarks with “Allah be praised”, but I think I found that on Al Jazeera, so you might want to corroborate it.
Anyway, I am all for the separation of church and state, and if saying “So help me God” is a problem let’s strike it from the proceedings. Besides, given the evils we have perpetrated on ourselves and others over the past eight years, it may be a bit presumptuous to ask God to do anything until we have proven ourselves to be on a new track.
But removing “So help me God” from the oath may not be enough to save the nation. The religious are a creative sort, and can often find hidden meanings and messages in texts. Even without “So help me God” they may still find God in the oath. To be safe, I suggest we strike the letters G, O, and D from the oath altogether, and in that way preclude anyone from finding God in it. Let the oath be amended to read as follows:
I slemnly swear that I will faithfully execute the ffice f President f the United States an will, t the best f my ability, preserve, prtect, and efen the Cnstitutin f the United States s help me.
This makes me feel safer, but it still might not be enough. After all “God” is generic and believers have their own favorite Gods such as El, YHVH, ALLAH, KRISHNA, BRAHMA, VISHNU, SHIVA, and KALI to name a few of the major Gods. So to be perfectly safe we should eliminate these letters as well. I say let’s amend the oath to read:
w tt w ftf xct t ffc f Pt f t t tt w, t t t f t, p, ptct, f t Ctt f t t tt p
While this would be more difficult for Mr. Obama to pronounce, it would shorten the ceremony some and allow more time for partying. And who would object to that?
Or at least that seems to be the concern of one group of atheists that is trying to have the phrase banned from the proceedings.
It is thought that George Washington added these four words to the oath in a moment of impromptu piety. Contemporary scholars argue that there is no eyewitness account of Washington saying this, and that the earliest eyewitness account of any president using this phrase is from the New York Time’s report on the 1881 inauguration of Chester Arthur. My own research into the matter suggests that Washington actually concluded his remarks with “Allah be praised”, but I think I found that on Al Jazeera, so you might want to corroborate it.
Anyway, I am all for the separation of church and state, and if saying “So help me God” is a problem let’s strike it from the proceedings. Besides, given the evils we have perpetrated on ourselves and others over the past eight years, it may be a bit presumptuous to ask God to do anything until we have proven ourselves to be on a new track.
But removing “So help me God” from the oath may not be enough to save the nation. The religious are a creative sort, and can often find hidden meanings and messages in texts. Even without “So help me God” they may still find God in the oath. To be safe, I suggest we strike the letters G, O, and D from the oath altogether, and in that way preclude anyone from finding God in it. Let the oath be amended to read as follows:
I slemnly swear that I will faithfully execute the ffice f President f the United States an will, t the best f my ability, preserve, prtect, and efen the Cnstitutin f the United States s help me.
This makes me feel safer, but it still might not be enough. After all “God” is generic and believers have their own favorite Gods such as El, YHVH, ALLAH, KRISHNA, BRAHMA, VISHNU, SHIVA, and KALI to name a few of the major Gods. So to be perfectly safe we should eliminate these letters as well. I say let’s amend the oath to read:
w tt w ftf xct t ffc f Pt f t t tt w, t t t f t, p, ptct, f t Ctt f t t tt p
While this would be more difficult for Mr. Obama to pronounce, it would shorten the ceremony some and allow more time for partying. And who would object to that?
Thursday, January 08, 2009
Watch Out
If you are reading this—which of course you are because you are reading this—try not to look like you're reading it. Play it cool. Be nonchalant about it. Read on, but don’t let on that you’re reading on. Even if you are alone, be cool. You are never alone. And that is what I need to tell you.
God is watching. No, seriously. God is watching. He is watching you all the time, no matter what you’re doing. The Guy never blinks, and never looks away. Creepy isn’t it? But don’t let on. You might piss Him off.
You see He demands that you love Him and your neighbor, but He wants this love to be genuine. Don’t love Him because He tells you to love Him. That’s not real love, that’s just following orders. So you have to love Him, but you have to love Him freely. The fact that you can’t link “have to” with “freely” is the really hard part of this. And that is why He is watching you.
Two psychologists at the University of British Columbia have proven that people behave nicer when they are being watched. This is true even if the eyes watching them aren’t real. They tacked a poster of a person over a charity jar and found that people donated three times as much money when the poster was up than when it wasn’t. Which proves that unless someone is watching or at least we feel like someone is watching we would be a lot worse than we are. And we are pretty bad as it is.
Maybe this is why people hang posters of their gods in their homes, or put god dolls around their rooms. Maybe this is why religions teach that God is watching us all the time. Do they know that unless we feel watched we would behave like wild murderous beasts? Do they know that we would be less apt to donate money to religious causes and institutions if we didn’t believe God was watching? I think they do.
But here’s my problem: I know God is looking, but I don’t know which God is looking. I know I’ve got to behave and to love God, but I can’t tell which God to love and obey.
I’m afraid that if I think it’s YHVH and it turns out to Allah, I’m screwed. Or if I think it’s the Catholic Jesus and it turns out to be the Southern Baptist Jesus, I’m doomed. I’m hoping it is the elephant headed God Ganesha because he seems so much more pleasant than the others, but who knows? I keep a stuffed Babar by my bed just in case.
Even if I did know which God was God, and then loved God because God told me to, then my love wouldn’t really be love at all, and I would still be doomed.
That’s why I don’t want God to see you reading this. Pretend you don’t know that God is watching, and pretend that your love is spontaneous and genuine and not just a ploy to avoid burning in Hell for all eternity. Oh, and pray that God is really really stupid so He won’t catch on. Oh, and pray that He doesn’t really hear your prayers so He won’t know you’re praying that He is really really stupid. OK. You can stop reading this, and hopefully no one noticed you ever did.
God is watching. No, seriously. God is watching. He is watching you all the time, no matter what you’re doing. The Guy never blinks, and never looks away. Creepy isn’t it? But don’t let on. You might piss Him off.
You see He demands that you love Him and your neighbor, but He wants this love to be genuine. Don’t love Him because He tells you to love Him. That’s not real love, that’s just following orders. So you have to love Him, but you have to love Him freely. The fact that you can’t link “have to” with “freely” is the really hard part of this. And that is why He is watching you.
Two psychologists at the University of British Columbia have proven that people behave nicer when they are being watched. This is true even if the eyes watching them aren’t real. They tacked a poster of a person over a charity jar and found that people donated three times as much money when the poster was up than when it wasn’t. Which proves that unless someone is watching or at least we feel like someone is watching we would be a lot worse than we are. And we are pretty bad as it is.
Maybe this is why people hang posters of their gods in their homes, or put god dolls around their rooms. Maybe this is why religions teach that God is watching us all the time. Do they know that unless we feel watched we would behave like wild murderous beasts? Do they know that we would be less apt to donate money to religious causes and institutions if we didn’t believe God was watching? I think they do.
But here’s my problem: I know God is looking, but I don’t know which God is looking. I know I’ve got to behave and to love God, but I can’t tell which God to love and obey.
I’m afraid that if I think it’s YHVH and it turns out to Allah, I’m screwed. Or if I think it’s the Catholic Jesus and it turns out to be the Southern Baptist Jesus, I’m doomed. I’m hoping it is the elephant headed God Ganesha because he seems so much more pleasant than the others, but who knows? I keep a stuffed Babar by my bed just in case.
Even if I did know which God was God, and then loved God because God told me to, then my love wouldn’t really be love at all, and I would still be doomed.
That’s why I don’t want God to see you reading this. Pretend you don’t know that God is watching, and pretend that your love is spontaneous and genuine and not just a ploy to avoid burning in Hell for all eternity. Oh, and pray that God is really really stupid so He won’t catch on. Oh, and pray that He doesn’t really hear your prayers so He won’t know you’re praying that He is really really stupid. OK. You can stop reading this, and hopefully no one noticed you ever did.
Monday, January 05, 2009
Where Would Darwin Davven?
Where Would Darwin Daven? This is the headline of an essay by Joshua Avedon in the Jewish Forward newspaper. I found the title intriguing; unfortunately it had nothing to do with the essay.
Avedon’s essay focused on a revival of the 1970’s Chavurah (Fellowship) movement, the Jewish equivalent to the house church movement among Christians. The demographics of both Jewish and Christian groups are similar: 20 and 30 somethings who find institutionalized religion boring and irrelevant. Avedon speaks of formal synagogues as suffering from “the kind of complacency and inbreeding typical of geographically isolated species,” and likens them to the blue-footed booby, a species of bird found on the Galapagos Islands; hence the headline’s reference to Darwin. His concern is with the survivability of the modern synagogue, and the future of Judaism, but he never tells us where Darwin would daven.
Of course Darwin wouldn’t daven anywhere, since davvenen (prayer) is a Jewish form of worship and Darwin was a Christian. But let’s not be so narrow. The real question is: Where can a scientifically sophisticated thinking Jew go to experience a liturgy that does not insult her intelligence?
With the exception of Humanistic Judaism, the liturgies of all other Jewish movements are variations on or direct extensions of ancient and medieval Jewish texts written by men whose understanding of the universe probably lags behind that of a modern well-educated eight year old. And even Humanistic Judaism, both the established movement and its refreshing reinvention by Rabbi Robert Barr and Congregation Beth Adam in Cincinnati, OH (see www.ourjewishcommunity.org) focuses more on poetically couched psychological themes than hard science.
So where would Darwin daven? Probably nowhere. He, like me, would probably prefer a walk in the woods to responsive reading in an air-conditioned brick box. He, like me, would probably prefer the authentic sounds and sights of nature to secondhand references to them in books. He, like me, would probably prefer the mad ecstasy of nature to the orderly “joy” of choreographed religious services. He, like me, would probably prefer to sit under a tree by a babbling brook, and read short passages from Emerson, Thoreau, Whitman, or Dickenson than plod through blank verse composed by a committee.
I don’t believe synagogues are the soon to be extinct boobies of Jewish life. What would life be without boobies? But I doubt that either conventional synagogues or the new chavurot will attract the Darwins among the Jews.
While synagogues experiment with form,trying to be more hip and entertaining, I wish we would also experiment with philosophy. I wish we would invent new understandings of God, Torah, and Israel rather than merely repeat or tweak the old ones. Where are the Bubers, Rosenzweigs, Heschels, Fromms, and Frankls of the 21st century? Why is it that all the great Jews who understood Darwin and the challenge of Darwinism had and have nothing to do with formal Judaism? It says something sad about us that we do not speak to these Yidden (Jews). It says something sad about us that we do not offer them a place in which to reinvent Judaism in tune with what is true rather than merely traditional.
I don’t care where Darwin would daven, but I would love to find the shul (synagogue) where Einstein would.
Avedon’s essay focused on a revival of the 1970’s Chavurah (Fellowship) movement, the Jewish equivalent to the house church movement among Christians. The demographics of both Jewish and Christian groups are similar: 20 and 30 somethings who find institutionalized religion boring and irrelevant. Avedon speaks of formal synagogues as suffering from “the kind of complacency and inbreeding typical of geographically isolated species,” and likens them to the blue-footed booby, a species of bird found on the Galapagos Islands; hence the headline’s reference to Darwin. His concern is with the survivability of the modern synagogue, and the future of Judaism, but he never tells us where Darwin would daven.
Of course Darwin wouldn’t daven anywhere, since davvenen (prayer) is a Jewish form of worship and Darwin was a Christian. But let’s not be so narrow. The real question is: Where can a scientifically sophisticated thinking Jew go to experience a liturgy that does not insult her intelligence?
With the exception of Humanistic Judaism, the liturgies of all other Jewish movements are variations on or direct extensions of ancient and medieval Jewish texts written by men whose understanding of the universe probably lags behind that of a modern well-educated eight year old. And even Humanistic Judaism, both the established movement and its refreshing reinvention by Rabbi Robert Barr and Congregation Beth Adam in Cincinnati, OH (see www.ourjewishcommunity.org) focuses more on poetically couched psychological themes than hard science.
So where would Darwin daven? Probably nowhere. He, like me, would probably prefer a walk in the woods to responsive reading in an air-conditioned brick box. He, like me, would probably prefer the authentic sounds and sights of nature to secondhand references to them in books. He, like me, would probably prefer the mad ecstasy of nature to the orderly “joy” of choreographed religious services. He, like me, would probably prefer to sit under a tree by a babbling brook, and read short passages from Emerson, Thoreau, Whitman, or Dickenson than plod through blank verse composed by a committee.
I don’t believe synagogues are the soon to be extinct boobies of Jewish life. What would life be without boobies? But I doubt that either conventional synagogues or the new chavurot will attract the Darwins among the Jews.
While synagogues experiment with form,trying to be more hip and entertaining, I wish we would also experiment with philosophy. I wish we would invent new understandings of God, Torah, and Israel rather than merely repeat or tweak the old ones. Where are the Bubers, Rosenzweigs, Heschels, Fromms, and Frankls of the 21st century? Why is it that all the great Jews who understood Darwin and the challenge of Darwinism had and have nothing to do with formal Judaism? It says something sad about us that we do not speak to these Yidden (Jews). It says something sad about us that we do not offer them a place in which to reinvent Judaism in tune with what is true rather than merely traditional.
I don’t care where Darwin would daven, but I would love to find the shul (synagogue) where Einstein would.
Sunday, January 04, 2009
Top Ten Religion Stories 2008
The Religion Newswriters Association has posted its top ten religion stories for 2008: 1) Jeremiah Wright; 2) Obama woos evangelical vote; 3) Sarah Palin’s nomination for VP; 4) Gay marriage; 5) Pope Benedict XVI visits US; 6) Episcopal Church’s unity threatened by ordination of gay clergy; 7) religiously motivated terrorism; 8) China’s crackdown on Tibet; 9) financial crisis hits religious nonprofits; 10) religiously motivated violence continues in Iraq.
The list is solid, but as with any top ten list there are those stories left off. Here is my list of top ten religion stories of 2008 in their original headline form:
1) Man eats image of Jesus in grilled cheese sandwich; claims he is Christ.
2) Man stopped from burning witch sues under First Amendment.
3) Man receives Talking Hat from angel; hat refuses to speak.
4) Man claims Noah’s Ark is held in Area 51.
5) Crippled man cured at Lourdes hit by car while jaywalking.
6) Man draws mustachios on Shroud of Turin.
7) Man returns from dead, says he’s grateful.
8) Man channels John Keynes; seeks employment as economic advisor.
9) Man condemned by clergy for teaching God has a sense of humor.
10) Man in all these stories turns out to be same man.
The list is solid, but as with any top ten list there are those stories left off. Here is my list of top ten religion stories of 2008 in their original headline form:
1) Man eats image of Jesus in grilled cheese sandwich; claims he is Christ.
2) Man stopped from burning witch sues under First Amendment.
3) Man receives Talking Hat from angel; hat refuses to speak.
4) Man claims Noah’s Ark is held in Area 51.
5) Crippled man cured at Lourdes hit by car while jaywalking.
6) Man draws mustachios on Shroud of Turin.
7) Man returns from dead, says he’s grateful.
8) Man channels John Keynes; seeks employment as economic advisor.
9) Man condemned by clergy for teaching God has a sense of humor.
10) Man in all these stories turns out to be same man.
Thursday, January 01, 2009
New Year, New Project
Dear Toto Readers,
I tend to use special days such as this to review where I have been and rethink where I wish to go. I then use the day after special days like this to ignore that rethinking and return to my highly prized habits of yesteryear. Not that change is impossible. Change is inevitable. Control is impossible, at least for me. So last night I made my New Year Resolutions and this morning I broke them, or at least all but one of them.
The one I have not as yet shattered is my commitment to trying new on-line networking projects. So I have opened a Linked-in account, and started a Twitter series of, dare I say it, daily tweets. I am too old for this.
I have no idea what these tools are supposed to do for me, or how I can use them to feed my messiah complex, but I am inviting you to link with me on Linked-In and follow me on Twitter. The second is the more interesting: At least once each day I send out short (140 characters or less) proverbs of my own making called "Jaded Wisdom". If you want to see just how brilliant and brief I can be, log onto www.twitter.com and sign up to get these faux pearls of genius.
In addition to my bald effort at self-promotion, I want to thank you all for reading and commenting on this blog. It is, as most blogs are, a labor of love and ego. Chances are I would write and publish it even if no one read it, but the fun of it is in knowing that you are reading it and hearing from those who choose to comment on it.
I hope 2009 is a constructive year for each of you.
Shalom,
Rami
I tend to use special days such as this to review where I have been and rethink where I wish to go. I then use the day after special days like this to ignore that rethinking and return to my highly prized habits of yesteryear. Not that change is impossible. Change is inevitable. Control is impossible, at least for me. So last night I made my New Year Resolutions and this morning I broke them, or at least all but one of them.
The one I have not as yet shattered is my commitment to trying new on-line networking projects. So I have opened a Linked-in account, and started a Twitter series of, dare I say it, daily tweets. I am too old for this.
I have no idea what these tools are supposed to do for me, or how I can use them to feed my messiah complex, but I am inviting you to link with me on Linked-In and follow me on Twitter. The second is the more interesting: At least once each day I send out short (140 characters or less) proverbs of my own making called "Jaded Wisdom". If you want to see just how brilliant and brief I can be, log onto www.twitter.com and sign up to get these faux pearls of genius.
In addition to my bald effort at self-promotion, I want to thank you all for reading and commenting on this blog. It is, as most blogs are, a labor of love and ego. Chances are I would write and publish it even if no one read it, but the fun of it is in knowing that you are reading it and hearing from those who choose to comment on it.
I hope 2009 is a constructive year for each of you.
Shalom,
Rami
Wednesday, December 31, 2008
Believing is Seeing
Dutch scientists compared Dutch Calvinists and atheists to see if belief influences the way one literally sees the world. The hypothesis is that since Calvinists tend to divide society into separate spheres of authority and responsibility, Calvinists would tend to see things as discrete bits and have difficulty seeing the big picture. According to January’s Scientific American, Calvinists did score slightly but significantly lower than atheists in this regard. Scientists are now planning to test the theory on peoples of other faiths. To help with their preparations I have devised the following set of tests:
1. Since Jews tend to notice subtle and not so subtle Jewish subtexts in news articles, we could test to see if they recognize the letters J-E-W more readily than people of other faith groups. The test would present Jews and Gentiles with “Word-Jumbles” with the word “Jew” hidden in various configurations throughout the puzzle. The expectation is that Jews would find those configurations faster than nonJews.
2. Since Christians are more prone than other people to seeing images of Jesus and Mary in foodstuffs, we could test to see if their ability to read the patterns of pepperoni in cheese pizzas exceeds that of nonChristians. The test would consist of presenting the same number of pepperoni pizzas to Christians and nonChristians and ask them to read what they can in the pattern. The expectation is that Christians would see Jesus and Mary where others would not.
3. Since Muslims are forbidden to make images of Muhammad (and Allah refuses to imprint the Prophet’s face on any food items), we could test to see if Muslims capacity for facial recognition is less than that of Christians, especially when looking for faces in pizza, grilled cheese sandwiches, and other cheese items. The test would consist of presenting a variety of cheese-based foods to Muslims and Christians to see what happens. The expectation is that Muslims would eat the food while some of the Christians would turn them into shrines or sell them on e-bay.
4. Since Buddhists do not believe in any separate self, and see all things are aspects of the one thing, we could test to see if their preference for the forest makes it more difficult for them to see the trees. The test would place an equal number of Buddhists and nonBuddhists in a forest and ask them to count the trees. The expectation is that most Buddhists would not count past the number one.
5. Since Hindus believe that “Truth is one, but different people call it by different names” (Rig Veda), we could test to see if they have difficulty seeing the difference between religions. The test would consist of presenting Hindus with the sacred symbols of the world’s religions and see if they are moved by them all. The expectation is that, with the exception of Hindu extremists who would react negatively to the symbol for Islam, Hindus would respond equally to all religious symbols.
I am sure I could come up with many more ways to study the impact of belief on seeing, but a dozen fresh pizzas were just delivered to my house and I have to go check for images of God.
Happy New Year.
1. Since Jews tend to notice subtle and not so subtle Jewish subtexts in news articles, we could test to see if they recognize the letters J-E-W more readily than people of other faith groups. The test would present Jews and Gentiles with “Word-Jumbles” with the word “Jew” hidden in various configurations throughout the puzzle. The expectation is that Jews would find those configurations faster than nonJews.
2. Since Christians are more prone than other people to seeing images of Jesus and Mary in foodstuffs, we could test to see if their ability to read the patterns of pepperoni in cheese pizzas exceeds that of nonChristians. The test would consist of presenting the same number of pepperoni pizzas to Christians and nonChristians and ask them to read what they can in the pattern. The expectation is that Christians would see Jesus and Mary where others would not.
3. Since Muslims are forbidden to make images of Muhammad (and Allah refuses to imprint the Prophet’s face on any food items), we could test to see if Muslims capacity for facial recognition is less than that of Christians, especially when looking for faces in pizza, grilled cheese sandwiches, and other cheese items. The test would consist of presenting a variety of cheese-based foods to Muslims and Christians to see what happens. The expectation is that Muslims would eat the food while some of the Christians would turn them into shrines or sell them on e-bay.
4. Since Buddhists do not believe in any separate self, and see all things are aspects of the one thing, we could test to see if their preference for the forest makes it more difficult for them to see the trees. The test would place an equal number of Buddhists and nonBuddhists in a forest and ask them to count the trees. The expectation is that most Buddhists would not count past the number one.
5. Since Hindus believe that “Truth is one, but different people call it by different names” (Rig Veda), we could test to see if they have difficulty seeing the difference between religions. The test would consist of presenting Hindus with the sacred symbols of the world’s religions and see if they are moved by them all. The expectation is that, with the exception of Hindu extremists who would react negatively to the symbol for Islam, Hindus would respond equally to all religious symbols.
I am sure I could come up with many more ways to study the impact of belief on seeing, but a dozen fresh pizzas were just delivered to my house and I have to go check for images of God.
Happy New Year.
Tuesday, December 30, 2008
No Peace, Revisited
Last Sunday I wrote, “There will be no peace between Israel and Palestine, at least not until one side annihilates the other.” Now watch the news: somebody reads my blog.
I have no love for Hamas, and wouldn’t mind seeing all terrorists of every stripe suddenly raptured to wherever terrorists get raptured to, but I doubt Israel believes in the rapture, and if they think this new military venture in Gaza is going to promote either security or peace or the coming of the Messiah, they are insane.
Forget who's right and who's wrong. Forget that Israel is trying to get away with whatever it can while Bush/Cheney are still in power. Forget that now everyone running for Prime Minister in Israel looks tough or terror, and can plead her/his case to the Israeli right-wing. Forget that no other nation in the world would sit still while a neighbor lobs rockets and mortars into its cities on a daily basis. Forget that Hamas has sworn to annihilate Israel. Forget moral equivalency, in fact forget morality altogether. Nobody on either side of this conflict really gives a damn about any of this. The people who fire rockets into Israel or order bombs dropped on Gaza don’t care about morality, they just want to win. But there is no winning.
Hamas cannot destroy Israel. Israel cannot destroy Hamas. Even the US would turn on Israel if she attempted the genocide the Palestinians fear, and though I am not sure who would come to the aid of Israel if genocide was once again perpetrated against the Jews, Israel would choose the Masada Option and blow the whole region to nuclear hell with her last breath. Everyone knows this, so nobody is going to take things that far. Instead they will continue this cycle of kill and over-kill until everyone who can has moved out of the region, and those who are left are too weak to throw whatever they have left to throw at one another anymore.
I feel so angry, frustrated, and powerless. Sure I can yell and scream and send money to promote peace, but that seems so abstract, so removed from the human pain and suffering that is the Palestinian-Israeli Tragedy (stop calling it a conflict; conflicts end, this never does). I need to do something more.
Our local newspaper published an article about a Palestinian family here in the ‘Boro. The husband’s mother and sisters live in Gaza, and he worries for their lives. So do I. So I called him. His phone was disconnected. I called our local mosque, but they weren’t answering. I emailed the sheikh of the mosque asking to meet with him, to pass on my prayers to the family, and to join with me to hold a prayer vigil for peace on New Year’s Eve. I haven’t yet heard back.
2009 is going to open with bloodshed. Death and violence continues to define us as a species. The Creationists are right: we humans don't evolve; we haven’t changed since Cain murdered Abel. War is our passion. Death is our obsession. We learn nothing from the past.
Do something different this year. Reach out to the Other with an open hand rather than a clenched fist. Offer dialogue rather than diatribe, bonding rather than bombing. Try something, anything to bridge the gaps between us. It may not save our species but at least you can say to the apes that will inherit the earth that you tried.
I have no love for Hamas, and wouldn’t mind seeing all terrorists of every stripe suddenly raptured to wherever terrorists get raptured to, but I doubt Israel believes in the rapture, and if they think this new military venture in Gaza is going to promote either security or peace or the coming of the Messiah, they are insane.
Forget who's right and who's wrong. Forget that Israel is trying to get away with whatever it can while Bush/Cheney are still in power. Forget that now everyone running for Prime Minister in Israel looks tough or terror, and can plead her/his case to the Israeli right-wing. Forget that no other nation in the world would sit still while a neighbor lobs rockets and mortars into its cities on a daily basis. Forget that Hamas has sworn to annihilate Israel. Forget moral equivalency, in fact forget morality altogether. Nobody on either side of this conflict really gives a damn about any of this. The people who fire rockets into Israel or order bombs dropped on Gaza don’t care about morality, they just want to win. But there is no winning.
Hamas cannot destroy Israel. Israel cannot destroy Hamas. Even the US would turn on Israel if she attempted the genocide the Palestinians fear, and though I am not sure who would come to the aid of Israel if genocide was once again perpetrated against the Jews, Israel would choose the Masada Option and blow the whole region to nuclear hell with her last breath. Everyone knows this, so nobody is going to take things that far. Instead they will continue this cycle of kill and over-kill until everyone who can has moved out of the region, and those who are left are too weak to throw whatever they have left to throw at one another anymore.
I feel so angry, frustrated, and powerless. Sure I can yell and scream and send money to promote peace, but that seems so abstract, so removed from the human pain and suffering that is the Palestinian-Israeli Tragedy (stop calling it a conflict; conflicts end, this never does). I need to do something more.
Our local newspaper published an article about a Palestinian family here in the ‘Boro. The husband’s mother and sisters live in Gaza, and he worries for their lives. So do I. So I called him. His phone was disconnected. I called our local mosque, but they weren’t answering. I emailed the sheikh of the mosque asking to meet with him, to pass on my prayers to the family, and to join with me to hold a prayer vigil for peace on New Year’s Eve. I haven’t yet heard back.
2009 is going to open with bloodshed. Death and violence continues to define us as a species. The Creationists are right: we humans don't evolve; we haven’t changed since Cain murdered Abel. War is our passion. Death is our obsession. We learn nothing from the past.
Do something different this year. Reach out to the Other with an open hand rather than a clenched fist. Offer dialogue rather than diatribe, bonding rather than bombing. Try something, anything to bridge the gaps between us. It may not save our species but at least you can say to the apes that will inherit the earth that you tried.
Monday, December 29, 2008
Gort, Klaatu barada nikto
What have they done to my movie? Well, not my movie, but my favorite movie: The Day the Earth Stood Still.
Klaatu, the humanoid emissary sent to Earth to warn us against weaponizing space with nuclear weapons lest the other planets in the universe unleash the power of their giant robot police force (represented by Gort) to destroy us, arrived on Earth the same year I did: 1951. Klaatu arrived in a breast shaped spaceship, which also proved to be his life support system. When I arrived I latched on to another breast shaped life support system. Klaatu came to warn the planet, I came to help warm it. The links between us go on and on, even if I can’t think of any more.
And now Klaatu is coming back in a 2008 remake of this, the greatest movie of all time. But it is not a remake, but a make over. Not only are the actors different—Keanu Reeves rather than Michael Rennie plays me, I mean Klaatu—but the plot has been changed. In the 1950’s Klaatu came to save the planet and the humans. This time he comes to save the planet from the humans. Shades of Al Gore! In fact I think it is Al Gore who plays Gort in the remake of the movie. Who else would substitute fear of global warming for the fear of global nuking in the new version of the film?
But this isn’t all. In the original, Klaatu visits the Lincoln Memorial to gain some insight into the nature of humanity. He sees us at our best, he sees our potential. In the remake Klaatu goes to a McDonald’s and sees us at our fattest. What has happened to us? Have we really replaced Of the people, by the people, and for the people with “Two all beef patties, special sauce, pickles, onions, on a sesame seed bun?” Have we truly fallen from With malice toward none; with charity for all to “Would you like fries with that”?
O the humanity!
And what of you, dear Gort? Once played magnificently by a 7’7” doorman from Grauman’s Chinese Theatre (Lock Martin), you are now reduced to a CGI replica. Who is going to be frightened into doing good by a cartoon?
But my deepest complaint about the new film is its replacing of nuclear horror with global disaster. They are not equivalent. Even if we humans warm the planet and drown our species, life itself will not disappear. Evolution will continue, and in time apes will learn to talk and eventually capture the past president of the NRA after he accidentally lands in earth’s post human future. But if we ignite the planet in a nuclear war all life will die. If we humans choose suicide it is none of Klaatu’s concern. But if we take the entire planet with us, then, maybe, he has a point. But the concern of original Klaatu was not with our planet, or us but with the evil we might spread beyond our world by weaponizing space. Klaatu was prepared to kill all humanity to save the cosmos. To do so just to save the spotted owl seems a bit too extreme.
I could probably go on and on about The Day the Earth Stood Still, but I have to watch my favorite soap—As the World Turns.
Klaatu, the humanoid emissary sent to Earth to warn us against weaponizing space with nuclear weapons lest the other planets in the universe unleash the power of their giant robot police force (represented by Gort) to destroy us, arrived on Earth the same year I did: 1951. Klaatu arrived in a breast shaped spaceship, which also proved to be his life support system. When I arrived I latched on to another breast shaped life support system. Klaatu came to warn the planet, I came to help warm it. The links between us go on and on, even if I can’t think of any more.
And now Klaatu is coming back in a 2008 remake of this, the greatest movie of all time. But it is not a remake, but a make over. Not only are the actors different—Keanu Reeves rather than Michael Rennie plays me, I mean Klaatu—but the plot has been changed. In the 1950’s Klaatu came to save the planet and the humans. This time he comes to save the planet from the humans. Shades of Al Gore! In fact I think it is Al Gore who plays Gort in the remake of the movie. Who else would substitute fear of global warming for the fear of global nuking in the new version of the film?
But this isn’t all. In the original, Klaatu visits the Lincoln Memorial to gain some insight into the nature of humanity. He sees us at our best, he sees our potential. In the remake Klaatu goes to a McDonald’s and sees us at our fattest. What has happened to us? Have we really replaced Of the people, by the people, and for the people with “Two all beef patties, special sauce, pickles, onions, on a sesame seed bun?” Have we truly fallen from With malice toward none; with charity for all to “Would you like fries with that”?
O the humanity!
And what of you, dear Gort? Once played magnificently by a 7’7” doorman from Grauman’s Chinese Theatre (Lock Martin), you are now reduced to a CGI replica. Who is going to be frightened into doing good by a cartoon?
But my deepest complaint about the new film is its replacing of nuclear horror with global disaster. They are not equivalent. Even if we humans warm the planet and drown our species, life itself will not disappear. Evolution will continue, and in time apes will learn to talk and eventually capture the past president of the NRA after he accidentally lands in earth’s post human future. But if we ignite the planet in a nuclear war all life will die. If we humans choose suicide it is none of Klaatu’s concern. But if we take the entire planet with us, then, maybe, he has a point. But the concern of original Klaatu was not with our planet, or us but with the evil we might spread beyond our world by weaponizing space. Klaatu was prepared to kill all humanity to save the cosmos. To do so just to save the spotted owl seems a bit too extreme.
I could probably go on and on about The Day the Earth Stood Still, but I have to watch my favorite soap—As the World Turns.
Sunday, December 28, 2008
No Peace
There will be no peace between Israel and Palestine, at least not until one side annihilates the other. War is the answer because war is what people want. If the majority of Israelis and Palestinians wanted peace they would have it by now. They don’t have it because they don’t want it. What they want is to win, and to win they need war.
A few days ago I clicked on thedailybeast.com and watched a series of educational videos for Palestinian elementary schools produced by the Palestinian Authority. The purpose of these videos is clear: to train young Palestinian Muslims to hate and kill Jews.
In one Holocaust focused video Palestinian children are taught that the Nazis were really Jews, and their victims were really Palestinians. Such lies turn Palestinians into martyrs and murderers. The educational system run by the Palestinian Authority is designed to turn their children into killers and, along with many Muslim clerics around the globe, turn Islam into a cult of death.
Shahada, dying for Allah, seems to be the goal of Palestinian education. As one young Palestinian boy recites, “I have let my land drink my blood, and I have loved the way of Shahada.” The linking of land with Allah, and both with death is the Muslim equivalent of the Israeli Settler idolatry that replaces worship of God with worship of the land. But there is a difference, and the difference is crucial: the Israeli government is not producing the hate-filled speech of the Jewish terrorist, while Palestinian hate is produced and promoted by the Palestinian Authority.
Anyone who imagines soon-to-be President Obama is going to make peace between Israel and Palestine is fooling herself. The United States has spent untold millions on both sides of the conflict and nothing of substance has come of it. The illegal and immoral Israeli settlements remain and expand, and Palestinians bomb Israel from Gaza on a daily basis, raining death and destruction deeper and deeper into the country’s heartland. But there is a difference, and the difference is crucial: the Israeli government supports the settlements, while the Palestinian Authority does not officially sanction the bombing.
Funding the madness that is the Middle East doesn’t work. We have tried bringing the adults together, and that has failed. Maybe we should bring the children together instead. There are many such programs in Israel, all of them small and poorly funded. Maybe we should spend our money on these programs.
Maybe our best bet is to establish an American Academy for Truth and Reconciliation in Jerusalem— a free, educationally state-of-the-art middle and high school where, in addition to Arabic, Hebrew, English, science, math, and the humanities (including comparative religion and Jewish and Islamic Studies), Israeli and Palestinians can learn their history together, and where they can begin to forge the bonds of friendship and understanding that might let them create a new future that doesn’t replicate the fear, hate, and war that defines their parents. Pollyannaish, I know. Liberals like me always put our hope in education. That is why I admitted from the top: there will be no peace in the Middle East.
A few days ago I clicked on thedailybeast.com and watched a series of educational videos for Palestinian elementary schools produced by the Palestinian Authority. The purpose of these videos is clear: to train young Palestinian Muslims to hate and kill Jews.
In one Holocaust focused video Palestinian children are taught that the Nazis were really Jews, and their victims were really Palestinians. Such lies turn Palestinians into martyrs and murderers. The educational system run by the Palestinian Authority is designed to turn their children into killers and, along with many Muslim clerics around the globe, turn Islam into a cult of death.
Shahada, dying for Allah, seems to be the goal of Palestinian education. As one young Palestinian boy recites, “I have let my land drink my blood, and I have loved the way of Shahada.” The linking of land with Allah, and both with death is the Muslim equivalent of the Israeli Settler idolatry that replaces worship of God with worship of the land. But there is a difference, and the difference is crucial: the Israeli government is not producing the hate-filled speech of the Jewish terrorist, while Palestinian hate is produced and promoted by the Palestinian Authority.
Anyone who imagines soon-to-be President Obama is going to make peace between Israel and Palestine is fooling herself. The United States has spent untold millions on both sides of the conflict and nothing of substance has come of it. The illegal and immoral Israeli settlements remain and expand, and Palestinians bomb Israel from Gaza on a daily basis, raining death and destruction deeper and deeper into the country’s heartland. But there is a difference, and the difference is crucial: the Israeli government supports the settlements, while the Palestinian Authority does not officially sanction the bombing.
Funding the madness that is the Middle East doesn’t work. We have tried bringing the adults together, and that has failed. Maybe we should bring the children together instead. There are many such programs in Israel, all of them small and poorly funded. Maybe we should spend our money on these programs.
Maybe our best bet is to establish an American Academy for Truth and Reconciliation in Jerusalem— a free, educationally state-of-the-art middle and high school where, in addition to Arabic, Hebrew, English, science, math, and the humanities (including comparative religion and Jewish and Islamic Studies), Israeli and Palestinians can learn their history together, and where they can begin to forge the bonds of friendship and understanding that might let them create a new future that doesn’t replicate the fear, hate, and war that defines their parents. Pollyannaish, I know. Liberals like me always put our hope in education. That is why I admitted from the top: there will be no peace in the Middle East.
Friday, December 26, 2008
Memo to Obama
The January/February issue of Tikkun magazine, one of the most important journals of the spiritual left, features a series of "Memos to Obama" from a host of innovators, philosophers, and holy rascals including yours truly. I urge you to subscribe to Tikkun (and to Spirituality & Health magazine for which I write a spiritual advice column each issue). Subscriptions are what keep magazines afloat, and we need these two magazines to help us navigate the tough times ahead. To help motivate you to get Tikkun I am publishing my "Memo to Obama" here.
Dear President-elect Obama,
We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness.
Of the many sacred texts that define us as a people and a nation these words by Thomas Jefferson are among the most precious. I wish to speak with you for a moment about happiness and its pursuit.
Aristotle understood happiness, what he called eudemonia, as a flourishing of life, a sense of accomplishment and fulfillment. The key to eudemonia as I understand it is cultivating love, purpose, and meaning.
Happiness is a national concern calling us to establish laws, institutions, and communities honoring life’s diversity, individual liberty, and the pursuit of love, purpose and meaning.
Happiness is a moral concern and its pursuit fosters creativity, justice, compassion, generosity, fearlessness, and a desire to uplift both self and others.
Happiness is an economic concern liberating us from both poverty and enslavement to endless consumption. Happiness calls us to seek just enough wealth to be happy, and frees us from the lie that to be more we must have more.
Happiness is an international concern challenging us to lead the world not in how much stuff we consume or garbage we produce, but in our capacity to free our citizens to pursue love, purpose and meaning.
Happiness is a civic concern for people pursuing love, purpose, and meaning are unmoved by propaganda—commercial, political, and religious—designed to poison them and their communities with fear, self-loathing, lack, conformity, bigotry, and intolerance.
Happiness is a spiritual concern for people steeped in love, purpose, and meaning reject exclusivism, fear, exploitation, and hate, and resist religiously sanctioned violence, religiously sponsored ignorance, and the rants of clergy and pundits whose sense of compassion and justice is restricted to those who believe as they do.
Mr. President-elect, I believe we are entering a time of global apocalypse, literally an “unveiling” of the ignorance and hubris behind which we have hidden so long from our interdependence with and responsibility toward all life.
This unveiling will take many forms: economic collapse, environmental chaos, greater religious and ethnic violence, rising crime, and increased suicide and substance abuse. We will be knocked back on our heels, and then knocked down to our knees. The question is not if this will happen or even when— it is already happening. Our challenge is not how to avoid the apocalypse but how to navigate it with our humanity intact.
When last confronted with apocalyptic violence your predecessor urged us to go shopping; to stuff ourselves with goods that we might not notice that our goodness was being stolen from us by the very people we elected to protect it. This time you can offer us something else. Not a time to consume but a time to consider. Not a rush to get more, but a chance to reimagine what is enough. Not a fearful scramble to settle matters, but a thoughtful rethinking of what really matters. And in navigating this horror happiness can be your compass.
We are happiest when we are free from fear. We are happiest when we are free from usury and deceptive business practices. We are happiest when we are free from church and state meddling in our private lives. We are happiest when our scientists, scholars, and educators can pursue truth unfettered by theology. We are happiest when our concern for the unborn challenges us to think not only of the next nine months but the next nine generations. We are happiest when we have clean air to breathe, and clean water to drink. We are happiest when we have a solid roof over our heads, and safe food on your table. We are happiest when we have the opportunity for life-long learning. We are happiest when we take care of the least among us. We are happiest when our relationship with other species and the planet is based on respect, mutuality, and interdependence. We are happiest when we measure success by the quality of our lives, rather than the quantity of stuff that clutters them. We are happiest when we, as individuals and as a nation, make a positive difference in the world.
While no government can or should provide us with happiness, our government can and should free us to pursue it.
What I suggest, sir, is this: When weighing policy decisions ask yourself, “Will this enhance our capacity to cultivate love, purpose, and meaning? Is it in service to Life, Liberty, and the pursuit of Happiness?” If the answer is “yes,” then promote it. But if the answer is “no,” please, sir, resist it at all costs. This is the change we need.
Sincerely,
Rabbi Rami
Dear President-elect Obama,
We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness.
Of the many sacred texts that define us as a people and a nation these words by Thomas Jefferson are among the most precious. I wish to speak with you for a moment about happiness and its pursuit.
Aristotle understood happiness, what he called eudemonia, as a flourishing of life, a sense of accomplishment and fulfillment. The key to eudemonia as I understand it is cultivating love, purpose, and meaning.
Happiness is a national concern calling us to establish laws, institutions, and communities honoring life’s diversity, individual liberty, and the pursuit of love, purpose and meaning.
Happiness is a moral concern and its pursuit fosters creativity, justice, compassion, generosity, fearlessness, and a desire to uplift both self and others.
Happiness is an economic concern liberating us from both poverty and enslavement to endless consumption. Happiness calls us to seek just enough wealth to be happy, and frees us from the lie that to be more we must have more.
Happiness is an international concern challenging us to lead the world not in how much stuff we consume or garbage we produce, but in our capacity to free our citizens to pursue love, purpose and meaning.
Happiness is a civic concern for people pursuing love, purpose, and meaning are unmoved by propaganda—commercial, political, and religious—designed to poison them and their communities with fear, self-loathing, lack, conformity, bigotry, and intolerance.
Happiness is a spiritual concern for people steeped in love, purpose, and meaning reject exclusivism, fear, exploitation, and hate, and resist religiously sanctioned violence, religiously sponsored ignorance, and the rants of clergy and pundits whose sense of compassion and justice is restricted to those who believe as they do.
Mr. President-elect, I believe we are entering a time of global apocalypse, literally an “unveiling” of the ignorance and hubris behind which we have hidden so long from our interdependence with and responsibility toward all life.
This unveiling will take many forms: economic collapse, environmental chaos, greater religious and ethnic violence, rising crime, and increased suicide and substance abuse. We will be knocked back on our heels, and then knocked down to our knees. The question is not if this will happen or even when— it is already happening. Our challenge is not how to avoid the apocalypse but how to navigate it with our humanity intact.
When last confronted with apocalyptic violence your predecessor urged us to go shopping; to stuff ourselves with goods that we might not notice that our goodness was being stolen from us by the very people we elected to protect it. This time you can offer us something else. Not a time to consume but a time to consider. Not a rush to get more, but a chance to reimagine what is enough. Not a fearful scramble to settle matters, but a thoughtful rethinking of what really matters. And in navigating this horror happiness can be your compass.
We are happiest when we are free from fear. We are happiest when we are free from usury and deceptive business practices. We are happiest when we are free from church and state meddling in our private lives. We are happiest when our scientists, scholars, and educators can pursue truth unfettered by theology. We are happiest when our concern for the unborn challenges us to think not only of the next nine months but the next nine generations. We are happiest when we have clean air to breathe, and clean water to drink. We are happiest when we have a solid roof over our heads, and safe food on your table. We are happiest when we have the opportunity for life-long learning. We are happiest when we take care of the least among us. We are happiest when our relationship with other species and the planet is based on respect, mutuality, and interdependence. We are happiest when we measure success by the quality of our lives, rather than the quantity of stuff that clutters them. We are happiest when we, as individuals and as a nation, make a positive difference in the world.
While no government can or should provide us with happiness, our government can and should free us to pursue it.
What I suggest, sir, is this: When weighing policy decisions ask yourself, “Will this enhance our capacity to cultivate love, purpose, and meaning? Is it in service to Life, Liberty, and the pursuit of Happiness?” If the answer is “yes,” then promote it. But if the answer is “no,” please, sir, resist it at all costs. This is the change we need.
Sincerely,
Rabbi Rami
Thursday, December 25, 2008
Failed Revolution: Christmas 2008
There is no end to the horror and evil we humans can imagine for one another. Especially when motivated by religion.
I was listening to a Christian radio station yesterday and heard the pastor talk about the importance of Christmas. We celebrate Jesus’ birth, he said, because it made possible his death without which people are doomed to an eternity of torment beyond imagining.
His logic was as follows: God is infinite. If you sin against an infinite God your sin is infinite, and therefore your punishment is eternal. Since all of us are born sinful against God, we are born to eternal punishment. Jesus’ death is the ransom God demands in exchange for pardoning us and sparing us from eternal torment. Since Jesus is also infinite Jesus is the only being in the universe capable of infinite suffering, the suffering His Father demands. All we have to do is believe.
I believe we create God in our own image, after our own likeness. That doesn’t mean there is no God; it only means that theology tells us more about the theologian than about God. What does this theology tell us about this pastor and those who believe as he does? Let’s see:
His God is infinite. I have no problem with this. My own God, as Source and Substance of all reality, is also infinite. For me the infinitude of God means the universe is infinitely creative and capable of mutation, evolution, and surprise. For him the infinitude of God means that God’s anger is infinite, and His desire for revenge against those who sin against Him is without end. There is no compassion in God, nothing to temper His wrath. Who would worship such a God except a person equally filled with anger and lacking compassion?
His God is obsessed with sins He imagines are against Him. And any sin against God, given God’s infinitude, must itself be infinite, and hence deserving of eternal punishment. Who would worship a God obsessed with sin, except a person obsessed with sin? Who would worship a God whose self-esteem is so low that He imagines He can be sinned against except a person of low self-esteem who is himself obsessed with self?
His God is only pacified by death and suffering. Who would worship such a God except a person filled with homicidal rage?
His God desires and demands eternal suffering from those who offend Him, but allows His Son to be ransomed on their behalf, but only if the suffering of the Son is eternal as well. Jesus’ suffering doesn’t end on the cross, this pastor explained, but continues for all eternity. It is only because Jesus himself is infinite that Jesus can withstand the suffering. Who would worship a God so lustful for pain except a psychopath addicted to inflicting it?
And then, as his sermon came to a close, this pastor, seemingly oblivious to the horror he just preached, wished us all a Merry Christmas. How horribly, horribly sad.
Today I honor the birth of one of the greatest Jews who ever lived. Today I will remind myself of a failed revolution in Jewish thought and living that sought to expand beyond the Jews the message of love and justice the Hebrew Prophets preached to the Jews. Today I will mourn the failure of that revolution, and yet even as I do, I will remind myself that as long as his memory and teaching can be recalled, his revolution can be rekindled.
God is not dead. Believers have just buried Him alive.
Merry Christmas.
I was listening to a Christian radio station yesterday and heard the pastor talk about the importance of Christmas. We celebrate Jesus’ birth, he said, because it made possible his death without which people are doomed to an eternity of torment beyond imagining.
His logic was as follows: God is infinite. If you sin against an infinite God your sin is infinite, and therefore your punishment is eternal. Since all of us are born sinful against God, we are born to eternal punishment. Jesus’ death is the ransom God demands in exchange for pardoning us and sparing us from eternal torment. Since Jesus is also infinite Jesus is the only being in the universe capable of infinite suffering, the suffering His Father demands. All we have to do is believe.
I believe we create God in our own image, after our own likeness. That doesn’t mean there is no God; it only means that theology tells us more about the theologian than about God. What does this theology tell us about this pastor and those who believe as he does? Let’s see:
His God is infinite. I have no problem with this. My own God, as Source and Substance of all reality, is also infinite. For me the infinitude of God means the universe is infinitely creative and capable of mutation, evolution, and surprise. For him the infinitude of God means that God’s anger is infinite, and His desire for revenge against those who sin against Him is without end. There is no compassion in God, nothing to temper His wrath. Who would worship such a God except a person equally filled with anger and lacking compassion?
His God is obsessed with sins He imagines are against Him. And any sin against God, given God’s infinitude, must itself be infinite, and hence deserving of eternal punishment. Who would worship a God obsessed with sin, except a person obsessed with sin? Who would worship a God whose self-esteem is so low that He imagines He can be sinned against except a person of low self-esteem who is himself obsessed with self?
His God is only pacified by death and suffering. Who would worship such a God except a person filled with homicidal rage?
His God desires and demands eternal suffering from those who offend Him, but allows His Son to be ransomed on their behalf, but only if the suffering of the Son is eternal as well. Jesus’ suffering doesn’t end on the cross, this pastor explained, but continues for all eternity. It is only because Jesus himself is infinite that Jesus can withstand the suffering. Who would worship a God so lustful for pain except a psychopath addicted to inflicting it?
And then, as his sermon came to a close, this pastor, seemingly oblivious to the horror he just preached, wished us all a Merry Christmas. How horribly, horribly sad.
Today I honor the birth of one of the greatest Jews who ever lived. Today I will remind myself of a failed revolution in Jewish thought and living that sought to expand beyond the Jews the message of love and justice the Hebrew Prophets preached to the Jews. Today I will mourn the failure of that revolution, and yet even as I do, I will remind myself that as long as his memory and teaching can be recalled, his revolution can be rekindled.
God is not dead. Believers have just buried Him alive.
Merry Christmas.
Wednesday, December 24, 2008
'Twas the Night Before Christmas
‘Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house
The Jews were discussing, even Rabbi Kraus.
Their ideas were hung on the Torah with care,
with Mishnah, and Talmud, and Zohar to spare.
The children were nestled all snug in their beds,
But the adults kept arguing their faces churned red.
Was he real or historic, imagined or fake?
Was he God or a prophet or Mithra awake?
I tried to suggest we were on the wrong path,
That the message and myth transcended our wrath,
When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
We sprang from our texts to see what’s the matter.
Away to the window we flew with a crash,
Spilling candles and dreidels and even some trash.
The moon was bright like the eyes of a doll
Or a dollop of horseradish on a gefilte fish ball.
When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a huge chariot and its flaming commander.
Riding that chariot was One still Unnamed
Who called to His angels engulfed all in flame:
“Now Rafael, now Gabriel, now Michael and Satan!
On Metatron, on Uriel, on Flanken and Leiben!”
I knew in a moment that He was the One
Who called out to Hagar and Sarah and sons.
He looked at us all and shook His great head,
“What? I can’t have a son? Nu? A daughter instead?”
Sure, sure, we said, You do what You do,
But not with a virgin, not even a Jew.
From Zeus we expect it, and may from Wotan,
But with You we are certain such things are verboten.
“What? Are you saying there’s something too great
For the One who created love, fear, and hate?
I do what I want and I want what I do
Even if it's to have kids with a virginal Jew.
“I’ll tell you a secret, and you can let them all in,
I’m not Jewish or Muslim or even Christian.
Though I lean toward the Buddha and Chaung Tzu his cousin,
I’m still just the One for whom names there’s a dozen.
“And when you're too certain you know who I am,
I do something wild and burst through you dam.
"Some oil shall burn not one day but eight,
And a baby in a manger shall preach against hate,
And an Arab in a cave shall receive My Word
Just as others have and will no matter the herd.
“That’s what this season is for after all:
A time to grow big while starting so small.
If these things don’t make your narrow minds spin,
There’s no hope for tomorrow you’ve lost out to sin.
“So kindle your candles and light up your trees,
Anything that brings you down to your knees.
For the hope of the season rests not in the story
But in your potential to manifest My glory.”
Then laying His finger to the side of His nose,
He gave us a nod and to heaven He rose!
And as He drove higher up into the sky
He turned in His seat to wave a good-bye.
And I heard Him exclaim ‘ere He flew out of sight,
“Happy Boxing Day to all, and to all a good-night!”
The Jews were discussing, even Rabbi Kraus.
Their ideas were hung on the Torah with care,
with Mishnah, and Talmud, and Zohar to spare.
The children were nestled all snug in their beds,
But the adults kept arguing their faces churned red.
Was he real or historic, imagined or fake?
Was he God or a prophet or Mithra awake?
I tried to suggest we were on the wrong path,
That the message and myth transcended our wrath,
When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
We sprang from our texts to see what’s the matter.
Away to the window we flew with a crash,
Spilling candles and dreidels and even some trash.
The moon was bright like the eyes of a doll
Or a dollop of horseradish on a gefilte fish ball.
When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a huge chariot and its flaming commander.
Riding that chariot was One still Unnamed
Who called to His angels engulfed all in flame:
“Now Rafael, now Gabriel, now Michael and Satan!
On Metatron, on Uriel, on Flanken and Leiben!”
I knew in a moment that He was the One
Who called out to Hagar and Sarah and sons.
He looked at us all and shook His great head,
“What? I can’t have a son? Nu? A daughter instead?”
Sure, sure, we said, You do what You do,
But not with a virgin, not even a Jew.
From Zeus we expect it, and may from Wotan,
But with You we are certain such things are verboten.
“What? Are you saying there’s something too great
For the One who created love, fear, and hate?
I do what I want and I want what I do
Even if it's to have kids with a virginal Jew.
“I’ll tell you a secret, and you can let them all in,
I’m not Jewish or Muslim or even Christian.
Though I lean toward the Buddha and Chaung Tzu his cousin,
I’m still just the One for whom names there’s a dozen.
“And when you're too certain you know who I am,
I do something wild and burst through you dam.
"Some oil shall burn not one day but eight,
And a baby in a manger shall preach against hate,
And an Arab in a cave shall receive My Word
Just as others have and will no matter the herd.
“That’s what this season is for after all:
A time to grow big while starting so small.
If these things don’t make your narrow minds spin,
There’s no hope for tomorrow you’ve lost out to sin.
“So kindle your candles and light up your trees,
Anything that brings you down to your knees.
For the hope of the season rests not in the story
But in your potential to manifest My glory.”
Then laying His finger to the side of His nose,
He gave us a nod and to heaven He rose!
And as He drove higher up into the sky
He turned in His seat to wave a good-bye.
And I heard Him exclaim ‘ere He flew out of sight,
“Happy Boxing Day to all, and to all a good-night!”
Tuesday, December 23, 2008
What Are You Hoping For This Christmas?
“What are you hoping for this Christmas,” the young woman ringing up my book purchase asked me happily.
“A real Christian,” I said without pausing, thinking, or even looking up from the credit card slip I was signing.
“Excuse me?” she said.
“A real Christian,” I repeated. “You know someone who truly loves Jesus. Someone who teaches us that God is love and to be with God is to be loving; someone who isn’t afraid of other people’s sexuality; someone who isn’t afraid of other people’s religions; someone who knows that God’s house has many mansions, and that a day is coming when we won’t worship God in church, synagogue, mosque, or temple, but in the spirit, in pure contentless awareness; someone who refuses to bow to injustice whether perpetrated by governments, religions, corporations, or ordinary individuals; someone who helps us see the beam in our own eye rather than the splinter in the eye of our neighbor.”
“Isn’t that Jesus,” she asked. “Aren’t you describing Jesus Christ? Are you saying you want Jesus for Christmas?”
“We don’t need Jesus. We had Jesus. We need Christians, true followers of Jesus of who think what he thought and do what he did.”
“You mean die for our sins?”
“No, I mean, live for our promise. Jesus showed us what we can be. We just never took him seriously. As soon as we could we turned his teaching inside out making believing in Christ rather than living like Jesus our central theme. Jesus came and taught us to love one another. Then we killed him. Then we killed his message in his name.”
“The Jews killed Jesus,” she said.
“Even if they did, and in fact they didn’t, they only killed him once, but we kill him every Sunday; every Sunday when we walk into church and pretend that Jesus died for our sins rather than lived for our promise. We are killing him, killing others, killing all hope that we can ever be the children God we were created to be. The first Christmas was the last Christmas. That first Christmas God sent us the gift of radical hope and a new way of living, and every year since we refuse to accept the gift, and instead worship the wrapping.”
The woman just stared at me for a moment, then noticing the line of shoppers behind me, she said hesitantly, “Next.”
“A real Christian,” I said without pausing, thinking, or even looking up from the credit card slip I was signing.
“Excuse me?” she said.
“A real Christian,” I repeated. “You know someone who truly loves Jesus. Someone who teaches us that God is love and to be with God is to be loving; someone who isn’t afraid of other people’s sexuality; someone who isn’t afraid of other people’s religions; someone who knows that God’s house has many mansions, and that a day is coming when we won’t worship God in church, synagogue, mosque, or temple, but in the spirit, in pure contentless awareness; someone who refuses to bow to injustice whether perpetrated by governments, religions, corporations, or ordinary individuals; someone who helps us see the beam in our own eye rather than the splinter in the eye of our neighbor.”
“Isn’t that Jesus,” she asked. “Aren’t you describing Jesus Christ? Are you saying you want Jesus for Christmas?”
“We don’t need Jesus. We had Jesus. We need Christians, true followers of Jesus of who think what he thought and do what he did.”
“You mean die for our sins?”
“No, I mean, live for our promise. Jesus showed us what we can be. We just never took him seriously. As soon as we could we turned his teaching inside out making believing in Christ rather than living like Jesus our central theme. Jesus came and taught us to love one another. Then we killed him. Then we killed his message in his name.”
“The Jews killed Jesus,” she said.
“Even if they did, and in fact they didn’t, they only killed him once, but we kill him every Sunday; every Sunday when we walk into church and pretend that Jesus died for our sins rather than lived for our promise. We are killing him, killing others, killing all hope that we can ever be the children God we were created to be. The first Christmas was the last Christmas. That first Christmas God sent us the gift of radical hope and a new way of living, and every year since we refuse to accept the gift, and instead worship the wrapping.”
The woman just stared at me for a moment, then noticing the line of shoppers behind me, she said hesitantly, “Next.”
Monday, December 22, 2008
Jewish Idolatry Breeds Jewish Terrorism
For decades the State of Israel has promoted illegal settlements on the land captured during the Six Day Way. For decades Jews around the world turned a blind eye to the idolatry of settler Judaism promoting worship of the Land rather than God. The worship of Israel is corrupting the very soul of our people, but we refuse to see it. Yet every once in a while some evil is perpetrated by Israeli Jews that just cannot go unnoticed.
This December’s pogroms perpetrated by Israeli terrorists against innocent Palestinians—burning farms, homes, cars, attacking Palestinians with stones and even bullets, defacing mosques with anti-Muslim graffiti, and desecrating Muslim graves with Stars of David—is proof that both Zionism and Judaism have failed in Israel. Judaism has fallen victim to the danger that threatens every religion: when the religious get guns, religions get violent.
Judaism, like Islam, is a warrior religion. Abraham, Moses, and Joshua, like Mohammed and the Caliphs that followed him were warlords whose God sanctioned their military efforts and promised ultimate victory. Nothing has changed. Of course the majority of Jews and Muslims eschew violence, but the violence done in their name continues unabated.
It is true that the Prime Minister of Israel was the one to call these Jewish acts of terror “pogroms,” and it is also true that the heads of many Jewish organizations decried them as well. I am proud of these leaders and applaud their willingness to come out and oppose the evil some Jews do in the name of Judaism. But this is not enough.
Israel must immediately cease to fund all religious and secular groups that promote violence in theory or practice. We have our Jewish version of jihadist madrasas in both Israel and the United States, and these should be publicly identified and defunded. We have the Jewish equivalent of the Taliban, and the State of Israel and every Jew who donates money to Israel subsidizes many of these Taliban-like movements, synagogues, and rabbis. This funding must cease.
There may never be peace in the Middle East, but we need not be implicated in funding violence. Federation money donated to Israel should be limited to specific humanitarian efforts and not be allowed to be used to free up other money to go to fund ultra-right-wing religious groups that preach hatred and/or participate in and sanction evil.
Jews around the world should demand that worship of the land be labeled for what it is: idolatry. We should insist that those who worship the land be called what they are: idolaters. We should immediately label those who perpetrate pogroms against Palestinians what they are: terrorists. We should demand that Israel free herself from the theocratic stranglehold of the Orthodox, end the occupation of the West Bank, and become a true secular democratic state with synagogue-state separation written into law.
What better time than Hanukkah to advance true freedom in Israel? What better time to decry the idolatry of land worship and rededicate ourselves to the highest ideas of justice, peace, and love? If not now, when?
This December’s pogroms perpetrated by Israeli terrorists against innocent Palestinians—burning farms, homes, cars, attacking Palestinians with stones and even bullets, defacing mosques with anti-Muslim graffiti, and desecrating Muslim graves with Stars of David—is proof that both Zionism and Judaism have failed in Israel. Judaism has fallen victim to the danger that threatens every religion: when the religious get guns, religions get violent.
Judaism, like Islam, is a warrior religion. Abraham, Moses, and Joshua, like Mohammed and the Caliphs that followed him were warlords whose God sanctioned their military efforts and promised ultimate victory. Nothing has changed. Of course the majority of Jews and Muslims eschew violence, but the violence done in their name continues unabated.
It is true that the Prime Minister of Israel was the one to call these Jewish acts of terror “pogroms,” and it is also true that the heads of many Jewish organizations decried them as well. I am proud of these leaders and applaud their willingness to come out and oppose the evil some Jews do in the name of Judaism. But this is not enough.
Israel must immediately cease to fund all religious and secular groups that promote violence in theory or practice. We have our Jewish version of jihadist madrasas in both Israel and the United States, and these should be publicly identified and defunded. We have the Jewish equivalent of the Taliban, and the State of Israel and every Jew who donates money to Israel subsidizes many of these Taliban-like movements, synagogues, and rabbis. This funding must cease.
There may never be peace in the Middle East, but we need not be implicated in funding violence. Federation money donated to Israel should be limited to specific humanitarian efforts and not be allowed to be used to free up other money to go to fund ultra-right-wing religious groups that preach hatred and/or participate in and sanction evil.
Jews around the world should demand that worship of the land be labeled for what it is: idolatry. We should insist that those who worship the land be called what they are: idolaters. We should immediately label those who perpetrate pogroms against Palestinians what they are: terrorists. We should demand that Israel free herself from the theocratic stranglehold of the Orthodox, end the occupation of the West Bank, and become a true secular democratic state with synagogue-state separation written into law.
What better time than Hanukkah to advance true freedom in Israel? What better time to decry the idolatry of land worship and rededicate ourselves to the highest ideas of justice, peace, and love? If not now, when?
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